No matter how stupid you are, there's always someone dumber, e.g.,
Daytona Beach authorities searching for three people were about to leave the home of one suspect's girlfriend empty-handed when the trio realized they were sharing their smelly attic with a rotting corpse. Instead of quietly regurgitating, one of them screamed "Get me out of here, there's a body!" They are in jail now.
Psychic Uri Geller has proof of Michael Jackson's innocence. Three years ago, he put Jackson under hypnosis, whereupon the king of pop denied having sexually abused children. That settles it. It's time to start dancing on the top of SUVs.
Rapper Mystikal lacked such powerful exculpatory evidence and was sentenced to six years in prison for sexual assault. Why did he go down, when so many other accused celebrities walk free? Because his posse was clever enough to record the attack on videotape. He now leads R. Kelly in the race for the most costly porno tape in rap music history.
In Iowa, one Clyde Lamar Pace II (one would hate to confuse him with his proud father) passed through a courthouse metal detector after tossing the contents of his pockets onto a tray. Among his cargo that morning was a small bag of weed. When he realized what he had done, he tried to run away, but was caught. This made him miss a hearing in his pending drug case, but I'm sure the judge will believe his excuse. I mean, who would lie about something like that?
Argentinean thrill seeker Lucas Tomas says he was ordered by voices from God to go into the lions' pit at the Buenos Aires Zoo. Why, why, why, do people who hear voices claiming to be God fail to secure proper verification of said voices' identities before taking advice such as "go in there and start teasing the lions?" Next time, Lucas, ask for a sign before you decide to take on the zoo lions with your bare hands.
Elecia Battle took advantage of a lottery winner's patience by falsely claiming to have "lost" the winning ticket. When confronted with the truth, rather than backing out with a graceful, "Damn, I could have sworn I had played those numbers on my ticket," she sued to recover the jackpot. Her nerve lasted one day, after which she dismissed her suit and admitted to making it all up. When first confronted with the truth, Battle, who has a history of fraud claims, said her prior history was just the past. I guess so. If you consider earlier today to be "the past," you are technically correct. And being technically correct is a big step forward for Ms. Battle.
Otis Nixon (the ugliest baseball player ever) was busted after chasing his bodyguard around an Atlanta hotel while naked and brandishing a kitchen knife. I hold it to be self-evident that Nixon does not know how to select a bodyguard. If one needs to chase one's help around with a knife, one obviously has some problems in the employer-employee relationship. More importantly, though, if one is naked and needs only a little kitchen knife to make one's bodyguard run like a little girl, one hasn't chosen the right man for the job. If I ever pulled a knife on my bodyguard, I would expect him to disarm me and beat the living crap out of me and every last one of my friends.
And my favorite story of the year: that of the Spokane streakers, who decided to run naked, except for hats and shoes, through their local Denny's. They wanted to make a quick getaway, so they recruited a getaway driver. Problem was, the driver wanted to run naked, too. So he went in. Because it was so cold outside -- you wouldn't want to stall -- and because they wanted a quick escape, he left the engine running. When they entered the restaurant, the opportunist of the year, a diner near the front door, decided to jump in their car and take off, leaving our heroes shivering naked in the snow as they watched their clothes and their car disappear into the distance. By the time police arrived, they were hiding in the parking lot, their bravado shrunken by the bitter cold. Next time, guys, streak in warm weather.
And take the keys with you.