The July Demiblog

Here were the July quasiblog links:

• In desperate bid to get to three games over .500 to win their division, Dodgers trade for Manny Ramirez
• Angels sweep Red Sox in Fenway
• Wanna doctorate? That'll be $499. For an extra $75, we'll give you a 4.0 GPA, too.
• Hahahahahahahaha. F*ck Sprint.
• Angels beat Red Sox for 7th straight time. But at least Boston avoided the no-hitter in the 9th
• Angels acquire Mark Teixeira for Casey Kotchman
• Favre Faxse Reinstatemten Papesr
• A fool and his $7,000 are parted.
• The Pac-10: The conference of non-cowardice
• Obama Released His Own Jerusalem Prayer Note.
• Bennigan's Restaurants Shut Down Nationwide
• Athletes are caffeineds
• How to handle their breakup: (i) Alanis Morissette - bang every guy she can until she feels good about herself. (ii) Ryan Reynolds - bag Scarlett Johansson and call it even.
• Cuil
• Jeff Garcia says coach Jon Gruden likes to date QBs. Won't marry them.
• That fateful first for Qantas qant be far off now? Qan it?
• The upside: no risk that 18 years after you shag this hooker a 6 foot street urchin knocks on the door and calls you Dad. The downside: trying not to barf during the transaction.
• Chicago earnestly pursues the title of Nanny City.
• Awesome home listing. Ignore the first six pictures. #7 is great. "Does the dog come with the house?"
• Gains for McCain in latest USA TODAY/Gallup Poll (+4)
• Not all who resign amid child porn probes are two-faced Republicans
• An ugly ass baby panda bear doing pushups.
• Old and busted: Spam that offers you a way to lengthen your middle leg three inches. New hotness: Doctors who will lengthen your left and right legs three inches.
• Proof that sharks have better taste than TV and radio executives.
• Boys only hip hop dance class uses breasts to attract enrollees
• Next big idea for Hollywood? H.R. Pufnstuf
• Ten lame tattoos
• No wonder Bush hates Iran: being a nuisance while drunk in public is a capital offense there.
• Another reason to hate Rush Limbaugh or the Rams, or both.
• PSA: If your friends come to your party, dump your family pet in the washing machine and turn it on, they aren't really your friends.
• This is how I want Kyle baptized.
• Drivers here are morons. Watch.
• Stage one: hurricane. Stage two: floodwaters. Stage three: tarantulas.
• UFOs and aliens are really fallen angels
• The family that ropes together drops together.
• Another bad way to go: buried alive in hot asphalt.
• Lakers sign Vujacic.
• Five Foothill High alumni to compete in 2008 Olympics. How many does your alma mater have?
• Prop. 8 backers take fight to kindergarten, asking whether we really want to force teachers to tell five-year-olds that gay marriage rocks.
• California bans trans fats in restaurants.
• Airports May Scan For Illegal Downloads on Mobile Devices
• Boy bites pit bull, wins.
• Will Ferrell says growing up in Irvine made him funny. My kids are already cracking me up.
• Downey Financial reports bad financials; CEO and Chairman step down
• 'Last Lecture' Author Dies of Cancer
• New Fast-Food Restaurants to be Banned in South LA
• Two twins, born to one set of natural parents: one is black, and one is white.
• Is the MSM biased? Follow the money: media donations favor Democrats by ratio of 100-1
• Third title game will be charm for Buckeyes?
• Vultures loiter outside surgery patients’ hospital rooms, and for some reason, they find this discomforting.
• A new, better way to experience becoming food for fishes
• Does Florida Congressman Robert Wexler even live in Florida? Mmmmmmaybe not.
• World's oldest Bible features Gospels that end with the crucifixion.
• Convicted killer's final remarks urge people to vote for Obama
• Nigerians amazed by meat that spells 'Allah'. It looks like "WE" to me, but I don't read Arabic.
• Tim Tebow won't do Playboy All-American list, but he'll pose for pictures like this one....
• World's Oldest Bible Ends the Gospels Without Mentioning Resurrection
• The Audacity of Vanity the article that answers the question: "Just how freaking vain IS Barack Obama?"
• Al Gore compares offshore drilling to invasion of Iraq. Yeah, totally the same, dude.
• Amy Winehouse's husband goes to jail. At least they won't be ODing together any time soon.
• Carson Palmer Hates Ohio State Fans. Then again, who doesn't?
• If you catch a little rainwater in your back yard, you probably think "finders, keepers," but you're wrong.
• Angels Sweep Red Sox
• In an attempt to reduce their approval rating from 9% to zero, Congress considers raising gasoline taxes
• Taking pictures of your own kids playing in public? Pervert.
• Bush Administration Tries to Redefine Contraception as Abortion
• Michelle Wie could miss qualifying for the LPGA tour next year because she forgot to sign her scorecard on time.
• One percent of us have genetic tendencies to violence. So it's not our fault when we pound you.
• Police have determined that the corpse of a woman found at fake baby mama's house with her uterus ripped open "may" provide a link to the mystery baby. That's some nice police work there, Lou
• Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim beat the Boston Red Sox of Boston again
• Gold paint-faced huffer caught huffing in public again. Bonus: three mug shots, all with the same crooked frown on his face.
• Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim pound the crap out of the Boston Red Sox of Boston
• We won't have this pitcher Nomo.
• Porn actress wants to teach priests
• "Dear Abby" never said stuff like "up to your ass in alligators".
• Junior Matt Barkley: Gatorade National Male Athlete of the Year. Seniors, you must have sucked.
• Great opening lines: USC -18 @ Virginia
• Baby-killing mom never reports missing daughter because she was "doing her own investigation."
• Pakistani investors, some of whom lost their life savings of $4,000 or more, riot over government's failure to rally stock prices
• Is Barry Manilow anorexic?
• Bikiniman, Bikiniman, does whatever a Bikiniman does.
• Old and Busted: Trying to make a murder look like a suicide. New Hotness: Trying to make it look like someone else shot you.
• In some places, not paying your mortgage makes you a "hero"
• Rome mayor bans singing in public without a license
• The secrecy of your offshore bank account is only as secure as their least trustworthy employee, and he hates rich people.
• Bishop says abuse victims are 'dwelling on old wounds'. Only wounds older than about 2,000 years should be dwelled upon.
• What not to wear to your hookup with a cop pretending to be a 14-year-old girl.
• Jimmy Carter couldn't finish the job. Can Jordan Farmar finally bring peace to the Middle East?
• Oregon safety dies in swimming accident
• Gators lose two starting DBs for season.
• Elderly women get life in L.A. insurance killings
• It's tough to get an early compassionate release when you told your victim "Look, bitch, I have no mercy for you. You're going to die and you'd better get used to it."
• Obama Releases List of Approved Jokes About Himself
• President Bush to help host golf tournament for McCain. Presumably will stay off the greens in a continued effort to show support for the troops.
• Peyton Manning's infect sac removed.
• Tips for traveling with children
• Care for some plastic surgery?
• Too much crack to ignore: cops shut down 29th annual Amtrak mooning event
• "91 freeway accident victims identified". That's a lot, right?
• Italy takes steps to root out gay drivers.
• All county courthouse weddings suspended to prevent the onslaught of gay marriages in Butte County.
• NEWSWEEK Poll: Obama loses 12 points overnight.
• Ameritrade Hack Settlement: $2 Per Victim, $1.8 Million for Lawyers. And the $2 is a bullshit $2
• Zoombak - How to track your dog, or your cheating spouse
• If you bought IndyMac Bank at 10 earlier this year, you lost 10
• Dancing with the Stars to have more men than women.
• South Africa Courts Declare Chinese to be Blacks
• Iranian news agency releases four-missile test photo, feeling inadequate about actual three-missile test.
• Man sued Bible publisher for all the harm the Bible has caused him.
• Conspiracy theorists take note: it took six months for police to reveal that John F. Kennedy's co-defendant tried to slice off his own penis in jail.
• Commissioner defends positionthat 'black hole' is racist term by comparing "devil's food cake" with expressions like "trying to Jew you down."
• Buh-bye Ronny Turiaf.
• President Bush jokes about being "the world's biggest polluter".
• Man seeks Guinness world record for sitting on his ass at the Rose Bowl [my first fark.com green light]
• Wisconsin law protects the celibacy of corpses
• Man finds frozen animal balls in his freezer, reports finding frozen human hands
• Man finds 150 dog sex tapes featuring his mom.
• Secondhand Clipper tickets are going to be CHEAP next season
• A couple of judges and commissioners in Dallas think "black holes" should be called "white holes" because of racial implications.
• The Baby Name Wizard
• Brother and sister are so ugly, none will have them but each other
• On-duty Los Angeles County deputy arrested on suspicion of DUI. Get a brain, Moran.
• Free outdoor movies in the O.C. all summer
• Apparently, there is no longer any shame in being a whore
• D.C. School Vouchers Are a Huge Success. That's Why We Need to End the Program.
• Only one in eleven Americans don't think Congress is doing a crap job
• Elton Brand headed to the Sixers
• Cleaner skies? That will lead to more global warming.
• The Price Tag for Rich Rodriguez Breaching His Contract to Coach West Virginia: $4 million
• New DNA Tests Clear Family In JonBenet Ramsey Slaying
• Parallels between the lives of Jesus and Egyptian God Horus
• 27-Year-Old Pig Accused of Having Sex with Special-Ed Student
• State worker quit $61K job rather than lower flag for Helms
• Student Who Took Eucharist Gets Death Threats. Peace Be Not With You.
• Man goes to police station to confess to "Tarantino murders" and is told to wait in line
• Tiny dog chews off woman's toe
• Homeowner uses a stick to drive off rock-chuckers outside his house. That's worth six months in jail, sir.
• Slaves for sale in Haiti.
• High gas prices forcing more people into "Extreme Carpooling"
• Dumb rapist gives victim his number. "Call me?"
• Miss Washington: a picture of class.
• "I'll have a sex on the beach." "Great, that'll be six." Dollars? "Years."
• U.S. Removes Saddam's Nuclear Yellowcake. No WMDs, just 550 tons of nuclear material. Nothing to see here.
• If you didn't get punked by Borat, get ready to be punked by Bruno.
• Cruise West ship runs aground in Glacier Bay
• If you're struggling to find something positive to say at Jesse Helms's funeral, try this one: he got Lou Holtz fired once.
• An actual example of irony: "Smoke Detector Sparks New Jersey Fire."
• Teachers instructed to report "racist" toddlers who dislike ethnic foods
• This week's Satanic sex crime couple is not news, because they are Democrats.
• Abnormal hormones turn British man into British girly-man
• The Sonics won't be leaving Seattle, but their players and coaches are heading to Oklahoma City to start a new NBA team there.
• Scary headlines: If illegal stopped picking produce, your food bill would go, up, up, up. The truth: By nine bucks a year.
• Most Obnoxious Tourists? The French.
• Mr. Mojo Risin alive in the Seychelles?
• We don't care how much you paid for your first class seat. You still can't use the emergency chute to get off the plane before the coach passengers.