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This Movie Scared the Tar Out of Me When I Was Little

War of the Gargantuas. You can now get it on DVD.

 

It's a lot less scary to me now.

RIP Brittany Murphy

Brittany Murphy, one of Hollywood's most interesting young actresses, is dead at the age of 32, from a cardiac arrest. Chaos followed her everywhere, which just made her more interesting, in my opinion. The transformation of her character, Tai, was the main reason I liked the film Clueless. She usually played troubled characters. A relative of mine who works in the industry has often told me that great film performances are 10% acting and 90% casting, and when you see someone playing the same sort of character over and over, it is usually because that kind of character reflects his or her nature. She got booted from her last project in Puerto Rico last month, and she was found by her mother this morning, dead in the shower at her husband's home. I'm going to speculate wildly here and guess that the toxicology report will tell us everything about how she died.

 

Ten Movies I Recently Watched on DVD (No. 24)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue, with my one-to-five plus rating, and the IMDB users' score.

1. Gran Torino (8.4) +++++ Great performances, interesting story, compelling ending. 
2. The Wrestler (8.3) ++++ Great performances and interesting characters, no ending.
3. Milk (7.9) +++ Sean Penn is a truly remarkable actor, even if he's a jerk
4. Marley & Me (7.1) +++ The dog gets it in the end
5. Lost in Austen (7.9) +++ More of a chick thing, so I was lukewarm on it, even with the time travel
6. Knowing (6.5) +++ The solution to the mystery was creepy, the big discovery was contrived
7. Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience (1.3) + It was a concert, but I was there, so ...
8. The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice (6.5) + Bad, even for a made-for-TV adventure movie.
9. The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (6.0) + Worse, even for a made-for-TV adventure movie. 
10. The Librarian: Return to Mines (5.8) + Even worse, even for a made-for-TV adventure movie. 

The Librarians were the kids' idea. Each one was worse than the one before. Jonas Brothers was in the queue because the girls wanted to see it; I watched to see if we were in the crowd footage, since we were in the third row on the floor.

Ten Movies I Recently Watched on DVD (No. 23)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue, with my one-to-five plus rating, and the IMDB users' score.

1. Doubt (7.8) ++++ A very interesting and thought provoking movie.
2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (8.1) ++++ I enjoyed this movie, but slightly less than I expected to enjoy it.
3. Bottle Shock (6.9) ++++ Loved the plot. Loved the characters.
4. Underworld: Evolution (6.6) ++++ Another solid piece of work in a solid series.
5. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (6.6) ++++ I'm a fan of movies about lycans.
6. Yes Man (7.0) +++ Amusing.
7. Confessions of a Shopaholic (5.6) +++ Funny at times, but as a lawyer, I couldn't look past all those violations of the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act.
8. My Best Friend's Girl (5.7) ++ The jerkish behavior was over the top. The love connection was implausible.
9. Bedtime Stories (6.2) ++ To be punny, this movie put me to sleep.
10. Australia (6.9) ++ I found the characters annoying, which made this long movie way too long.

Ten Movies I Recently Watched on DVD (No. 22)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue, with my one-to-five plus rating, and the IMDB users' score.

1. Slumdog Millionaire (8.5) +++++ Finally, a Best Picture that lived up to the hype.
2. 24: Season 1 (8.9) +++++ I finally got around to watching it this 2001 season
3. If It's Tuesday, It Must Be Belgium (6.0) ++++ Still funny after 40 years.
4. Religulous (7.8) ++++ Smart and thought-provoking at times, but a bit smug, and soft on Islam
5. Tuesdays with Morrie (7.3) ++++ The book was more interesting, but if you don't have time to read, this captured a lot of the book's measage
6. Twilight (6.1) +++ Watching this, I wasn't sure I understood all the hype. The actress who played Bella was awful.
7. Zack and Miri Make a Porno (7.2) +++ It was funny at times. Dumb at times.
8. Open Season 2 (5.6) +++ Not sure this animated concept was worth a sequel.
9. Drillbit Taylor (6.0) + Seriously stupid and unfunny.
10. Bangkok Dangerous (5.4) + Seriously serious and ridiculous.

Ten Movies I Recently Watched on DVD (No. 21)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue, with my one-to-five plus rating, and the IMDB users' score.

1. City of Ember (6.5) ++++ A solid film from a good book.
2. The Rocker (6.3) ++++ Way funnier than I was expecting. LOL-worthy.
3. Burn After Reading (7.3) ++++ Funny at times, shocking at times. Well done.
4. Leatherheads (6.1) +++ Amusing enough.
5. Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (7.0) +++ Good entertainment. Not as good as the book.
6. What Happens in Vegas (5.9) ++ The premises are so lame, it affects the funniness.
7. Mitch Albom's For One More Day (5.5) ++ Slow-moving and short of the book.
8. Pineapple Express (7.3) ++ Like a modern Cheech & Chong, except without the funny.
9. Frost/Nixon (8.0) + Boring as hell. I burned a rental on this?
10. Lakeview Terrace (6.3) + Absurd and contrived

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 20)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue, with my one-to-five plus rating, and the IMDB users' score.

1. The Express (7.0) ++++ Awesome movie. Now my second-favorite football flick ever.
2. The Duchess (7.0) ++++ Very good English period piece
3. War of the Gargantuas (6.0) ++++ A classic Japanese monster movie now on DVD
4. Brideshead Revisited (6.8) +++ A very good story, but not my cup of tea
5. Horton Hears a Who! (7.3) +++ Animated for the little ones
6. College (4.2) ++ Stupid, but at least I laughed a few times
7. Anger Management (6.1) ++ I waited 5 years to see it. Coulda waited 5 more.
8. The House Bunny (5.6) ++ Stupid, and I didn't laugh
9. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (6.8) + Stupid. This cost me brain cells.
10. High School Musical 2 (4.5) + Beyond stupid. Even my teenager hated it.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 19)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue, with my one-to-five plus rating, and the IMDB users' score.

1. Speed Racer (6.5) +++++ I loved this movie. I know a lot of people think it sucks, but I loved it.
2. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (7.7) ++++ Great title. Great story.
3. Ghost Town (7.2) ++++ Loved it. Funny. Interesting characters. Too many bus scenes.
4. Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (6.7) +++ The 3rd or 4th best of the series. The fridge scene was realy that bad.
5. Chocolat (7.3) +++ Too slow for me, but it makes me want to visit France again.
6. Rambo (7.4) +++ It was better than I expected, but not great.
7. Sex and the City (5.4) ++ I expected quality. Mostly, it was contrived bull. The ending was awful.
8. Happy Feet (6.7) ++ Cute; the kids liked it, but not that much.
9. You, Me and Dupree (5.6) ++ Only slightly funny. Implausiable. Didn't hold my attention.
10. Meet the Spartans (2.4) + This movie sucked, even if you like this kind of crap. I couldn't stand to watch the whole thing.

The next list will have some crap, because Netflix is reaching deep into our queue right now.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 18)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue, with my one-to-five plus rating, and the IMDB users' score.

1. Run Fatboy Run (6.9) +++++ I loved it. My favorite English movie since the Full Monty.
2. The X-Files: I Want to Believe (6.1) ++++ Not at all what I expected, but I loved it.
3. The Dark Knight (9.0) ++++ It had too many endings. Aside from that, awesome.
4. Disturbia (7.0) ++++ A few plot holes, but tense and awesome.
5. Tropic Thunder (7.4) +++ Funny, but stupid.
6. Step Brothers (6.8) +++ Stupid, but funny.
7. Star Wars: The Clone Wars (5.2) +++ Less lame than I thought it might be. Almost ... good
8. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. (5.2) ++ The cliches wore thin.
9. You Don't Mess with the Zohan (5.7) + It was far more stupid than funny.
10. Mamma Mia! (6.9) + I hated it. 2 hours too long. Pointless ending. Sucked, sucked, sucked.

Did I mention that Mamma Mia! sucked? Aside from the clever gimmick of working every ABBA song into the plot, it was worthless, and since the songs were all ABBA songs, even the gimmick sucked. A waste of great acting talent and almost two hours of my life.

Favorite Films

My all-time favorites from the movies:

Film - The Godfather
Science Fiction Film - Altered States
Comedy - Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Sequel - The Godfather Part II
Trilogy - The Lord of the Rings
Fictional Character - Indiana Jones
Actor - Al Pacino
Actress - Scarlett Johansson

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 17)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. My one-to-five rating, plus a 1-10 rating from IMDB. Catching up and mixing in some documentaries this time.

1. Wall-E (8.7) ++++ Thoroughly entertaining
2. August Rush (7.5) ++++ This was a really fun, uplifting movie, even with the contrived bits.
3. Black Adder: Series 1 (8.5) ++++ Brilliantly funny at times.
4. Charlie Wilson's War (7.4) +++ Pretty good for a true story about a Congressman.
5. Get Smart (7.0) +++ Not as funny as I was hoping, but better than a Will Ferrell flick.
6. Fields of Glory: USC  (NR) +++ USC fans will dig it.
7. Where the Wild Things Are  (NR) +++ The baby dug it.
8. No Reservations (6.3) +++ Formulaic and predictable romance.
9. Picture This (5.3) + Incredibly stupid.
10. Another Cinderella Story (5.9) + Even more stupid.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 16)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. My one-to-five rating, plus a 1-10 rating from IMDB. Catching up and mixing in some documentaries this time.

1. 21 (6.8) ++++ I loved the characters and liked the plot, with good twists.
2. Bridge to Terabithia (7.4) ++++ Good, but not at all what I was expecting.
3. Friday Night Lights (8.5) ++++ A good football story
4. Champions of Troy: USC Trojan Football (NR) ++++ A good history of USC football through 2004
5. When the Levees Broke (8.6) +++ Very good documentary about Katrina and New Orleans.
6. Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (7.2) +++ Amusing, but too many annoying characters and odd plot twists.
7. Elizabeth: The Golden Age (6.8) +++ Another good period piece. What more might you expect?
8. Deliver Us From Evil (8.1) +++ Very disturbing insight into the Catholic clergy sex abuse problem
9. Baby Mama (6.1) ++ Not Tina Fey's best work.
10. Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids (7.8) ++ Objectively: good. Subjectively: all it did was bum me out.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 15)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. My one-to-five rating, plus a 1-10 rating from IMDB. Catching up and mixing in some more recent releases and a couple less recent. Da Vinci Code is the only one I'd seen on the big screen.

1. The Da Vinci Code (6.4) +++++ Fairly true to the book. Managed to freak a lot pf people out.
2. Mr. Bean's Holiday (6.1) ++++ I just laughed my ass off the whole time.
3. Smokin' Aces (6.6) +++ Pretty good hitman movie, even though Ben Affleck was in it
4. 1408 (7.0) +++ Creepy. Scary.
5. The Other Boleyn Girl (6.8) +++ I like historical dramas, and this one had my favorite actress in it
6. Arctic Tale (6.8) +++ A decent animated kid's movie about polar bears and stuff
7. Hairspray (7.4) +++ The girls loved it. I was able to tolerate it.
8. Click (6.8) ++ An interesting subject, but I didn't like what they did with it.
9. The Covenant (4.8) + Just hated this melodramatic silliness. Hated it.
10. Semi-Pro (5.4) + Will Ferrell is always hit or miss. This was a miss. Sorry, dude, it sucked.

Lines for Twilight

I can't remember the last time I saw lines that wrapped around the movie theatre like this, but Twilight has brought out the young filmgoers in droves. If you are a teenage boy, and you aren't hanging out at the multiplex in a Twilight t-shirt, you are missing out on a golden opportunity to meet girls.

.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 14)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. The pluses are scored 1-5. The scores in parens are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match with IMDB's. Mixed some old with new, some first time watches with a couple I saw in the theater.

1. Snatch (8.2) +++++ Perfect mob/heist thriller, great cast. Even Brad Pitt was brilliant.
2. Remember the Titans (7.5) +++++ One of the best sports movies of all time. Yes, I just saw it.
3. Enchanted (7.6) +++++ Truly unique children's movie. I've watched it several times.
4. The 40-Year-Old Virgin (7.5) ++++ Great comedy. Corny at times, brilliant at times.
5. Elizabeth (1998) (7.6) ++++ A very good period piece
6. Definitely, Maybe (7.4) +++ Definitely amusing, even for a chick flick and an Abigail movie.
7. The Spiderwick Chronicles (6.9) +++ Like a poor man's Narnia.
8. 10,000 BC (4.9) +++ Loved the CGI, somewhat dug the plot and performance
9. Catch and Release (5.8) ++ I found the premise sad, and the characters implausible.
10. The Aristocrats (6.4) + It was funny for about 10 minutes. Then it just got old.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 13)

Catching up and mixing in some more recent releases and a classic old one. Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. The scores in parens are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match perfectly with IMDB's.

1. The Shawshank Redemption (9.2) +++++ 1994 Classic. Should have won Oscars.
2. The Darjeeling Limited (7.4) ++++ Three crazy brothers + Bill Murray cameo. What's not to love?
3. Unfaithful (6.5) +++ I'm getting old, because Diane Lane is looking hot.
4. Billy Elliot (7.6) +++ Cute. Touching. And he's not a poof.
5. Sydney White (6.3) +++ I liked Snow White better, but my girls watched this more times.
6. War of the Worlds (6.6) +++ Lots of action. Not a lot of great actin'. No great endin'.
7. The Family Stone (6.3) ++ Not what I expected, but at least it was watchable.
8. A History of Violence (7.6) ++ It was not my cup of tea.
9. An American in Paris (7.3) ++ This is a classic that just doesn't speak to me after all the years.
10. Pan's Labyrinth (8.5) ++ Too violent, convoluted. Critics loved it. I didn't.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 12)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. These are more recent than some others I've watched lately. Top score is +++++. The scores in parens are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match perfectly with IMDB's.

1. Iron Man (8.1) +++++ Awesome action movie. Loved it.
2. Gone Baby Gone (7.9) +++++ This was a really good suspense thriller. Far better than I expected.
3. Fight On: The 2005 USC Trojans (NR) ++++ Great subject matter. A bit of a downer ending....
4. Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (7.0) ++++ These guys are funny. Suspend a little disbelief and enjoy the humor.
5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (7.5) +++ Some good jokes, but too many johnson shots and too many muppets.
6. The Incredible Hulk (7.4) +++ Entertaining, but a bit of a letdown. The CGI Hulk was not as fun to watch as the old TV Hulk.
7. The Dark Crystal (7.0) +++ An oldie, but kind of a goodie. We mixed it in with some more recent stuff.
8. Made of Honor  (5.4) ++ This was a terrible chick flick with a silly overplayed premise, and not particularly well acted.
9. 27 Dresses (6.2) ++ This also was a terrible chick flick with a silly overplayed premise, and not particularly well acted.
10. Nim's Island (6.1) ++ Seeing Abigail Breslin is becoming a sure sign that I'm not gonna like the flick.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 11)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. The scores in parens are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match perfectly with IMDB's. These are more recent than some others I've watched lately, and it's a better group than the last ones:

1. Invincible (7.1) +++++ This is maybe the second-best football movie I've seen.
2. Seabiscuit (7.4) ++++ My favorite horseracing movie ever.
3. Waiting (6.9) ++++ This is closer to a documentary than y'all think. Loved it.
4. Knocked Up (7.6) ++++ I choked on laughter several times. Loved it.
5. Music and Lyrics (6.7) +++ Pretty good for a chick flick. Plus, it spoofs Wham! I think.
6. Fool's Gold (5.4) +++ Way better than I expected. I expected it to suck. It was actually okay.
7. The Good Girl (6.7) +++ Also okay. Nothing spectacular.
8. Because I Said So (5.2) ++ This was bumped down the queue a few times. No regrets for that.
9. Ghost Rider (5.3) ++ This was freaking stupid.
10. Rumor Has It (5.6) ++ Couldn't get into it. I should stay away from IMDB ranks below 6.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 10)

Another collection from the Netflix vaults. I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. The scores in parens are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match perfectly with IMDB's. These are more older ones than some others I've watched lately:

1. Sense and Sensibility (7.7) ++++ Very good. I'm starting to get the hang of Miss Austen.
2. The Simpsons Movie (7.7) ++++ Ah, Now I get the spiderpig jokes.
3. Blood Diamond (8.0) ++++ Really good. Stressful. Exciting. Informative. And the stones. Dang.
4. Spider-Man 3 (6.5) ++++ Lots of fun action. A bit more over-the-top than two prior Spideys.
5. Secretary (7.2) +++ More creepy than sexy, to my bitter disappointment.
6. A River Runs Through It (7.2) ++ I liked the period scenes, but the plot and the ending I did not like.
7. Surf's Up (7.1) ++ An amusing animated movie, starring a penguin as "The Dude" basically.
8. Little Miss Sunshine (8.1) ++ Nominated for Best Pic? A story about pathetic people. Meh.
9. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (6.5) ++ Actually, pretty stupid.
10. Reign Over Me (7.8) ++ It's a good movie. It just bummed me out is all. I don't need the buzzkill.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 9)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. The scores in parens are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match perfectly with IMDB's. I thought this was a bad run of ten, especially with the comedies.

1. Ratatouille (8.2) +++++ Disney's amazing rat chef. Brillliant
2. Mr. Brooks (7.6) +++++ This was a creepy look inside the successful serial killer.
3. Apocalypto (7.9) ++++ Scary, brutal, funny. Good twisty ending.
4. 300 (7.9) +++ Great fight scenes. Great lines. Worth seeing.
5. Riding in Cars with Boys (6.1) +++ A true to life drama that's kind of a downer.
6. The Devil Wears Prada (6.8) +++ Middle stars rating because the girls did like it.
7. Evan Almighty (5.6) ++ Got a little corny. Not as funny as Bruce Almighty.
8. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (6.2) ++ Stupid plot got in the way of mediocre jokes.
9. Unaccompanied Minors (3.4) + The worst Christmas movies in recent memory
10. An Inconvenient Truth (8.1) + More like an inconvenient mix of truth and lies. But the guy did a nice job on making the Internet, so I'll give him at least one "+".

The Kevin Costner movie was my second-favorite in the bunch. That tells you everything...

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 8)

Here are another ten recent pulls (mostly) from the Netflix queue. As always, I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. The number scores are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match perfectly with IMDB's:

1. The Bucket List (7.6) ++++ One of the best movies of 2008.
2. I Am Legend (7.1) ++++ Loved it.Good character. Good plot. Great performance.
3. The Golden Compass (6.4) ++++ Fantastic action fantasy story. Too bad it seemed over so soon.
4. National Treasure: Book of Secrets (6.6) +++ Entertaining, but close to nuking the fridge a few times.
5. Dan in Real Life (7.1) +++ I was entertained. Not brilliant, but good.
6. Waitress (7.4) +++ This was more of a downer than I thought, but entertaining.
7. RV (5.5) ++ Some over the top plot moves spoiled an amusing ride.
8. License to Wed (5.1) ++ A sad waste of a great cast.
9. Bee Movie (6.4) ++ This was so stupid, little kids walked out, saying "this is stupid."
10. Sweeney Todd (7.9) + Gory. And it is a musical. Hated it.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 7)

Here are another ten recent pulls from the Netflix queue. I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. The scores in parens are from IMDB, with 10.0 being perfect. My rankings, obviously, do not match perfectly with IMDB's. These are more recent than some others I've watched lately, and it's a better group than the last ones:

1. There Will Be Blood (8.4) +++++ I actually think this should have beaten No Country for Old Men.
2. No Country for Old Men (8.4) +++++ really good, but I'm not sure it was worthy of Best Picture, because There will be Blood was so good.
3. Juno (8.0) ++++ amusing, but not quite as good as I expected.
4. The Transformers (7.5) +++ I had low expectations, and to my surprise, it was chock full of awesome.
5. Atonement (7.9) +++ Like Juno, but not amusing.
6. The Game Plan (6.2) ++ Cute enough. The girls liked it. I thought it was corny.
7. The Water Horse (7.6) ++ The girls liked it. I thought it was just ok.
8. Becoming Jane (7.0) ++ not as interesting as the fiction she wrote.
9. Alvin and the Chipmunks (5.7) ++ it was a pretty dumb.

10. Superbad (7.9) + super dumb. I normally dig this kind of movie, but these jokes and situations were old and tired. The ending was cliche. All I really like was the McLovin' scenes.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 6)

I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. Another collection from the Netflix vaults:

1. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan +++++ I laugh so hard when I watch this movie that my stomach hurts. Fortunately, the rental came before my surgery.
2. The Departed +++++ Mob movies are my favorite genre, and when you throw in the Irish, it's even better.
3. The Last King of Scotland ++++ a well done, if not entirely accurate portrayal of Idi Amin, featuring a fine Titan, Forest Whitaker.
4. The Pursuit of Happyness ++++ a bit more of a downer than I was expecting
5. The Holiday +++ an okay chick flick
6. Open Season +++ an okay animated kid's flick
7. The Nativity Story +++ since I already knew how it turned out, it was not that intriguing
8. Jesus Camp +++ a frightening look at the cult of the saved
9. Fahrenheit 9/11 ++ I finally watched this bullshit
10. Rocky Balboa + this movie is one of the 20 worst movies I've ever seen. Stallone's second worst ever, trailing only Stop, or my Mom will shoot.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 5)

I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. Another collection from the Netflix vaults:

1. Stranger than Fiction ++++ This was a surprisingly good movie.
2. Pride and Prejudice: Vol. 1 & 2 (2-Disc 1995 Series) ++++ I'm starting to get Jane Austin
3. The Island ++++ Also a surprisingly good movie
4. The Horse Whisperer ++++ Excellent plot and characters. Plus young SJ.
5. Finding Neverland +++ Pleasant but nothing special
6. The Weather Man +++ Good entertainment.
7. The Milagro Beanfield War +++ This was pretty entertaining.
8. Flightplan + If you like to roll your eyes and say "oh, puleeze," this one's for you.
9. Batman Begins + The worst Batman movie ever.
10. The Passion of the Christ + I'm Christian, but this did nothing for me. Gory. Shocking. Turns the New Testament into a snuff film about a man. Wish I hadn't seen it. It damaged my faith somewhat.

Ah, F*ck, Man

Entertainment lost a unique talent tonight. RIP George Carlin, you stayed funny for decades longer than any of your peers.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 4)

I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. Another collection from the Netflix vaults:

1. Casablanca +++++ I always wanted to rent this. It was great.
2. The Notebook +++ This was really good for a chick flick.
3. Madagascar +++ A good film for the family to watch together
4. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World +++ Entertaining.
5. King Kong +++ I'd rather have watched the old black and white one again.
6. Good Night, and Good Luck +++ Objectively speaking, I guess it was good.
7. Firewall ++ Contrived. Predictable. But action-packed.
8. V for Vendetta ++ Weird is not necessarily good.
9. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou ++ Just wasn't my cup of tea.
10. Jarhead ++ Apocalypse Now for the new generation? Not as good.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 3)

I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. This was also a much better collection of DVDs than the first ten:

1. Glory Road - ++++ A great basketball movie. Easily one of the five best hoops movies ever. Still not as good a Hoosiers, though.
2. The Office: Series 1 - ++++ The British series. This is hilarious stuff. If you like the American show, you need to add the British show's seasons to your Netflix queue.
3. The Office: Series 2 - ++++ See above.
4. The Office Special - +++ The special wasn't quite as good as the regular seasons, but still very funny.
5. Just Like Heaven - +++ I expected to hate this chick flick and found it surprisingly enjoyable.
6. Failure to Launch - +++ This was pretty funny, easily worth four pluses, but seeing Terry Bradshaw bare ass drops it a plus.
7. The Importance of Being Earnest - ++ Oscar Wilde wrote the original. What else do you need to know?
8. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - + this was lame even for a kid's movie.
9. Practical Magic - + Hated it ten years ago. Hate it still.
   
10. The Benchwarmers - I enjoy stupid comedies, as long as they make me laugh. I did not enjoy this one.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 2)

I'll rate them with pluses, one to five. This was a much better collection of DVDs than the last ten:

1. Cinderella Man +++++- this should have won Best Picture in 2005.
2. The Big Lebowski ++++ every dude should watch this movie at least once.
3. Walk the Line ++++ a very good movie, much like Ray.
4. Pride and Prejudice ++++ had to watch it twice, but the second time, I dug it.
5. Crash +++ a decent movie, but way overrated.
6. Hoot +++ cute, but melodramatic like a kid's movie tends to be.
7. Munich +++ well done, but depressing.
8. The Talented Mr. Ripley +++ it only took me nine years to watch it.
9. March of the Penguins +++ not bad for a documentary about birds.
10. Collateral ++ a bit implausible, especially the love angle.

Ranking ten movies I recently watched on DVD (No. 1)

I'm going to start keeping track of my DVD rentals and the ones I liked and the ones I hated, in groups of ten, starting with some movies that are three and four years old:

1. Garden State ++++ a thoroughly amusing comedy. I should have seen it when it was in theaters.
2. Hotel Rwanda ++++ riveting, horrifying and uplifting all at the same time. Ok, at different times, but in the same film.
3. The Aviator +++ a pretty good biography of Howard Hughes.
4. The Bourne Identity +++ Solid action movie that I have intended to watch for a long time.
5. Because of Winn-Dixie +++ cute. I wouldn't have watched it if I didn't have a wife.
6. Robots +++ a pretty good animated kid's movie.
7. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events ++ Mildly amusing, but I liked the books better.
8. Monster-in-Law + boring. Enough said.
9. Million Dollar Baby + objectively, a good film, but so depressing. Why watch something that depresses me?
10. Mr. and Mrs. Smith + stupid and convoluted. Even worse than the depressing movie.

I'll rate them with pluses, one to five.

Good, Old, Indiana Jones

When I was a single man, I used to see a movie, at the theater, almost every week. Lately, I've become much more of a Netflix watcher than a ducat-buying moviegoer. This weekend, however, I paid full boat to watch the new Indiana Jones movie this weekend. It won't win Best Picture, but I was entertained, and it was well worth watching on the big screen, rather than waiting for Netflix to carry it.

What I liked:

• How well Indy's character aged. Far better than, say, Rocky or Rambo.
• The return of the original love interest.
• The humor.
• The special effects.
• The constant stress of watching as all the characters we care about are thiiiiisssss close to almost getting bumped off.

What I didn't like:

• It was sappier than the first three.
• The plot was farther out there than the first three (which is saying a lot).
• Some of the solutions were a little too easy ("Get me a map!"), even more so than in the National Treasure films.
• The Russians were too comic-booky. And utterly incompetent marksmen. It is unfathomable that they managed to get as far as they did while remaining the KGB gang that couldn't shoot straight.
• The refrigerator scene was ridiculous.
• So were the waterfall scenes.
• And every scene with a gopher (or whatever the heck those were) in it.

It was not as good as the original. It was infinitely better than the Temple of Doom. Shia LaBeouf was okay, but I can't picture him taking over the Indiana Jones franchise. There's room for an Indiana Jones V, but only if Harrison Ford sticks with it.

Speed Racer Kicks Ass!

I was a huge Speed Racer fan as a kid. The series began when I was two weeks old, and ended production just weeks after my first birthday, but in that short span, they made 52 episodes that would captivate me as a young boy. As an adult, I realized how lame the plot twists were in the original 1967 cartoon series, but I enjoyed and appreciated it just the same. Because of that, I eagerly anticipated the live action (sort of) Speed Racer feature film that opened this weekend, but deep down, I expected disappointment, especially after my disappointment with the 1993 redo animated series The New Adventures of Speed Racer.

I was not disappointed. This movie kicks Royalton ass. Once again, Speed Racer and Racer X are my heroes.

It's getting mixed reviews from the critics, but they don't entirely get it. The casting was brilliant. I think I'm glad that the original picks for Speed (Johnny Depp) and Racer X (Henry Rollins) backed out. Emile Hirsch and Matthew Fox were awesome. Roger Allam played a great villian with a Tim Curry-like deviousness. The race scenes were captivating. The plot twists were less implausible than the cartoon series twists. The cartoonish fight scenes were hilarious (intentionally so). I almost spit my drink out when Chim-Chim fulfilled his destiny and became a poo-flinging monkey. The special effects were more modern and thoroughly enjoyable. The language was, too. Later in the film, Speed uttered my favorite film line of 2008: "Get that weak shit off my track!" (they say "ass" a few times, too). Cartoon Pops never said "ass," but he, this is a movie, not a Saturday morning cartoon.

In short, this movie is everything a 40 year old boy could ever ask for in an action movie, and more.

If you ever liked Speed Racer, you are going to love Speed Racer the Movie.

Another Self-Evident Truth

When the academy nominates five movies that did not appeal to the masses, the Oscar telecast ratings will be crap. It's not just self-evident, it is evidenced. What had the best ratings? My guess would be whatever year Titanic won for Best Picture.

The Oscars

It seems like everyone is excited about tonight's Oscar show at the Kodak Theater. I doubt that I'll watch it. The speeches are usually quite dreadful and the award selections are usually crap. Where and when else but on Oscar night can you hear such silly determinations as Ordinary People being a better film than Raging Bull? Or Driving Miss Daisy being better than Field of Dreams and Dead Poet’s Society? Or A Beautiful Mind over Fellowship of the Ring? Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan and Life is Beautiful? Ridiculous. Many years, the winner is not only a less-deserving film than the runners up, but it's actually a movie that I didn't like and wouldn't watch again, e.g., Crash (2005), Million Dollar Baby (2004), Chicago (2002), The English Patient (1996) and Out of Africa (1985).

This year, I couldn't care less who wins. From what I've read, No Country for Old Men would be a deserving winner, and I'll probably end up seeing No Country for Old Men and Juno soon. But Atonement, Michael Clayton and There Will Be Blood aren't in the top 100 of movies I'd like to see for the first time before 2009. I'd rather spend my Sunday evening watch whatever Jane Austen classic my wife wants to watch on Masterpiece Theater.

Pulp Fiction

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20, says a bunch of trivia websites I've read. I was watching the movie the other day, and I checked the clocks. That interesting bit of trivia is bullshit, e.g., the Jimmy situation, which occurred around 8:17, according to the clock behind Jimmy's head.

Also, for the heck of it, I looked up the Bible passage quoted by Samuel L. Jackson's character Jules. The film is not Biblically accurate. Ezekiel 25:17 says only this: "And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them." The parts about the righteous man and the shepherd are made up, and the context of the real passage deals with the Philistines.

Finally, we've always wondered what was in Marcellus Wallace's briefcase. The truth is never revealed. The fact that it glows, that the lock combination is 666 and that Marcellus Wallace has a bandaid at the base of his head (from where the devil supposedly removes souls) is said to support the theory that it contains the soul of Marcellus Wallace, the result of some transaction with the devil. Quentin Tarantino won't say.

Final Jeopardy

The category for Final Jeopardy is "Common Threads."

A: Liberace, Greg Louganis and Albus Dumbledore.
Q: _._._._

Pretend to be Famous for $1,500

You know how, when you go to a movie premiere, there are always lots of people, in suit or tuxedo or fancy dress, you do not recognize? And you look at them and think "Who the hell are you? Get off the red carpet and make room for Keira Knightley." Well, here's your chance to be one of those putzes, for the meager price of jut $1,500 (limited to the first 1,200 people with the cash). Here's the full deal for your $1,500:

• Admission to Disneyland Park, beginning at 6 p.m. on May 19, 2007
• Access to the following attractions
  • Jungle Cruise
  • Indiana Jones Adventure
  • Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
  • Splash Mountain
  • The Haunted Mansion, and of course,
  • Pirates of the Caribbean.
• Complimentary parking.
• Buffet supper at the pre-screening private Pirates party in Frontierland, Adventureland, New Orleans Square, and Critter Country.
• Reserved seats (assigned on first-come, first-served basis) to view film presented in state-of-the-art digital projection and surround sound in outdoor ampitheater along the Rivers of America.
• Popcorn and soft drink.

Regular cameras (no video of any kind) will be allowed on the red carpet and the pre-party, but not at the film screening. You also cannot ask the celebrities for autographs. If it sounds interesting, check it out here:

http://home.disney.go.com/movies/pirates/premiere/

The Oscars

Is it just me, or were the Oscars as boring as amoeba porn?

Vacation Kids Update

Have you ever wondered what happened to the Griswold kids from the National Lampoon's Vacation movies? Neither have I, but since Stuff Magazine went ahead and figured it out for us, I guess it's worth a look: Here's an update on the actresses who played Audrey. And here's one on the actors who played Rusty. The quick skinny: most are still acting. A couple dropped out of the business. One is dead (Dana Lynne Goetz aka Dana Hill from European Vacation).

They Shoulda Been Siblings

This isn't exactly a separated at birth thing, but does anyone else think Mackenzie Crook (Gareth from The Office) and Emma Chambers (Honey from Notting Hill) look like they are brother and sister?

Mel Gibson - As Crazy As He Looks

Here are my five thoughts about crazy azz Mel Gibson:

1. In vino, veritas: tequila does not make normal people say crazy stuff they don't believe. I have been really, really drunk several times in my life. A few of those times, I said some things I regret. However, just because I regretted saying them didn't make them untrue, nor did it mean that I hadn't meant what I said. Besides, the dude only blew a 0.12% BAC. That's nothing. Sure, you shouldn't drive at 0.12, but that level of drunkenness does not cause you to leave your true self at the curb.

2. Justification: Maybe Mel Gibson said mean stuff about Jews because so many Jews do actually hate him for that Passion movie he made. Maybe he's sick of Jewish people hassling him, and he guessed -- correctly -- that the arresting cop was Jewish. Thus, maybe he's not an anti-Semite, but a rational guy responding to a hostile opposition. Then again, maybe not. He was, after all, raised by a guy who claims that the Holocaust story is a bunch of bullshit.

3. Why so angry? Does anybody out there understand why this guy has so much rage and anger? He has had the world by the nuts. He has more money than anyone can ever spend. He's an actor who gets to direct, produce and all that artsy-fartsy stuff that actors want to do. He's a good looking fella who has women drooling all over him on a daily basis. Even his mug shot looked pretty good (albeit a bit like Pat Riley). WTF entitles this guy to be angry?

4. His true character: Since he wasn't drunk enough to be saying things he didn't mean, the conclusion I draw is that this guy is an asshat. And a hateful asshat, at that. It confirms my ever-growing suspicion that there exists a profound correlation between the boldness with which a person proclaims his religious faith, and the true wickedness in his heart. In my 15 years as a lawyer, I have seen no surer sign that I or my clients are going to get screwed in a deal than the appearance of a fish -- that certain fish -- on our counterpart's letterhead or checkbook. You show me ten guys who need to profess their religion to an uninterested world, and I'll show you at least 9 guys who are overcompensating for their own depraved lack of character.

5. It all means nothing: What impact should this have on his career? None. He's just an actor. It's not like entertainers have to be moral or without prejudice. After all, the world would be a sadder place if the anti-Semite hunters had prevented Walt Disney from making more movies, just because he was thought to dislike Jews.

Another Untimely Film Review

Recently saw:

1. The Talented Mr. Ripley: Hated it. Though the technical aspects of this movie were well done, the plot didn't hold my attention and Jude Law's character annoyed me to no end. Moreover, I tend to dislike movies with homoerotic themes, especially if I don't know about it in advance. Which brings me to...

2. My Own Private Idaho: Hated it. I don't know what made me think I would like this movie. It was like Brokeback Mountain, Monster, Johns, and Born on the Fourth of July, all wrapped up in one depressing rip off of Shakespeare's Henry IV. The character Bob (Falstaff) was ridiculous, especially in the robbery scene. Don't get me wrong, it was, objectively speaking, well done, much in the same way a great painter could create a stunningly lifelike portrait of Courtney Love. I just didn't like it. Plus Flea was in the movie. No movie with Flea in it can ever be considered great.

3. The Aviator: Don't need to see that again. I don't hate everything Leonardo DiCaprio does. But he sure does take a lot of roles that do not seem to suit him. As young Howard Hughes, flying daredevil, he was great. As older Howard Hughes, industrialist and germ freak, he didn't fit the character. Cate Blanchett was spectacular, however, as Kate Hepburn. Overall, I'm a fan of Scorcese's work, but this was not his best. As a 45 minute short, this film would have been fun. As you approach the one-hour mark, it starts to get old. And it's damn near three hours long.

4. Collateral: The plot was full of holes and absurdities, but I enjoyed the film nonetheless. What kind of holes? Some marksmanship improbabilities near the end. A hot lady lawyer considering, for even a moment, hooking up with a cabbie she rode with. The cops finding that taxi when they just happen to watch the right security camera feed. Then, them letting that taxi get away. In spite of those flaws, the film moved fast, bored me for non a moment, and provided the best action thriller I'd seen in a long time. I should have rented this one a year ago.

5. Mr. & Mrs. Smith: Stupid. Plot hole and absurdity after pot hole and absurdity. The lead characters seemed like video game characters (what made me think that?) and the acting was inferior. I know Brad Pitt can act, because I saw 12 Monkeys, Se7en and Snatch. But you can't tell from watching this piece of crap. If I was this film on a 1-5 star basis, I would gripe that they owe me two stars for wasting two hours of my life. Wouldn't watch it again if you paid me.

Bruno Coon, Talk Back and Rudy

If anyone knows how to get in touch with Bruno Coon, formerly of the band Talk Back, let me know, especially if you are, in fact, Bruno Coon doing a little egosurfing on google. I'm dying to get my hands on a copy of the When Drums Talk record, although I'd settle for an mp3 of  "Rudy."

Hollywood, I Barely Know Ye

I live about 45 miles from Hollywood, but I might as well be a million miles away. I don't know what Hollywood is doing. Looking over the 63rd Golden Globe Award Winners, I have no idea what any of the winners did to deserve their awards, because just about every film and television show worthy of a nomination spent all of 2005 below my radar. My analysis:

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
FELICITY HUFFMAN Transamerica (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN – Capote (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST MOTION PICTURE – MUSICAL OR COMEDY
WALK THE LINE (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
REESE WITHERSPOON – Walk the Line (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE -MUSICAL OR COMEDY
JOAQUIN PHOENIX – Walk the Line (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
PARADISE NOW - PALESTINE (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
RACHEL WEISZ – The Constant Gardener (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
GEORGE CLOONEY – Syriana (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE
ANG LEE – Brokeback Mountain (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE
LARRY McMURTRY & DIANA OSSANA – Brokeback Mountain (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE
JOHN WILLIAMS – Memoirs of a Geisha (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE
“A LOVE THAT WILL NEVER GROW OLD” – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
LOST (Wouldn't know. Never saw it since the series premiere a year or two ago.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
GEENA DAVIS – Commander In Chief (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
HUGH LAURIE – House (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
MARY-LOUISE PARKER – Weeds (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
STEVE CARELL – The Office (Excellent choice.)

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
EMPIRE FALLS (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
S. EPATHA MERKERSON – Lackawanna Blues (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS – Elvis (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
SANDRA OH – Grey’s Anatomy (Wouldn't know. Haven't seen it this season.)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
PAUL NEWMAN – Empire Falls (Wouldn't know. Never saw it.)

So that's about it. Steve Carell? Great choice. The rest? Maybe, but I wouldn't know.

Droopy Faced Actors Dropping Like Flies

The ghost from Ghost dies. The Dunkin' Donuts actor dies. Is this one of those things that always come in threes?

If I was a droopy-faced actor, I'd be putting my affairs in order right away.

Lex's Untimely Film Review 2

Nothing is certain until it happens, but it's starting to look like tomorrow, my wife and I will have a chance to go see a movie in the theaters. Normally, I don't see squat until months after a movie's release date. Lucky me. For now, here's another untimely film review:

1.  Kill Bill, Vol. I, Kill Bill, Vol. 2: Tarantino, what the hell happened to you? This two part saga sucked. Violence, in and of itself, is not entertaining. If I want violence without a good story, I'll just play Grand Theft Auto. This was a waste of lifespan. I am glad I at least got to see it for free on cable, because spending money on this would have been adding insult to injury.

2.  Kingdom of Heaven: I watched it twice, because I feel asleep during the first viewing. Even after giving it a second chance, I just wasn't that entertained. It reminded me of Braveheart, especially with the resemblance between the actor who played Robert the Bruce in Braveheart and the actor who played Guy de Lusignan in this one. But it did not impress me in the same way. The plot does not really explain well how the bastard blacksmith gained such favor so quickly among the men in Jerusalem. And the ending was some bullshihit. I hope to God that DaVinci Code does not disappoint me so. Worth a matinee ticket, but only if you can sneak your friend in for free. At least there was one great line: "God will understand, my lord. And if He doesn't, then He is not God, and we need not worry." That's my new life slogan.

3.  Bewitched: This one amused me. Will Ferrell did not suck in this film. The conceited actor portraying Darren was a perfect vehicle for him. However, like Keanu Reeves in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, I'm not sure he was actually acting. Nicole Kidman was adorable in this movie; almost adorable enough to make me forget that she's the spitting image of my brother's bitchy ex-girlfriend. The ending was really weak, but getting there was fun enough. Worth a matinee ticket.

4. The Fantastic Four: This was a pleasant escape into fantasy. Suspend your disbelief and remember that this is comic book come to life, and you can enjoy this movie. Easily worth a matinee ticket. Maybe even a full price ticket.

5. Batman Begins: Snork. Mrrrf. What? I'm sorry. I must have dozed off. It was a Batman movie, I guess, and Batman movies are generally pretty cool, but this was my least favorite in the series.

Lex's Untimely Film Review 1

I would make a really bad film critic, in part because I'm not good at recognizing film excellence (I still can't tolerate Out of Africa or The English Patient long enough to sit through the whole movie), but also because I often don't see movies until they are anywhere from 6 weeks to 3 years old. The last thing I saw in the theaters was Revenge of the Sith. This week, I review five films I just saw for the first time within the last month:

1.  Napoleon Dynamite: This movie was not funny, but three times, it was so stupid that I couldn't help but laugh. Napoleon is annoying, not funny. He's a dork, but unlike most movie dorks, he is unlovable. The bit characters are lame. On a five star rating, I would give this film one star. It is worth watching, but only in the way that a car wreck is worth watching. You want to be able to talk to your friends about how bad it was.

2.  Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy: I like Will Ferrell personally. He's a fine Trojan, and a long running SNL member who is a great comedic character actor. But the scripts of his films are unfunny, with maybe an exception for Night at the Roxy. And Ron Burgundy was the culmination of all his unfunniness over the course of his entire career. As with Napoleon Dynamite, I laughed three times during this movie, but once out of pure embarrassment that I hadn't turned it off yet.

3.  Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle: A weak premise. The plot sucked. But the jokes rocked. I laughed dozens of times. It's all good. I watched it twice in one day.

4. I (Heart) Huckabee's: An absurd existential freakshow. The movie thought itself smart, but I found it dull and stupid. Whenever I read in a review that the movie is "too smart" for most people, I know it's going to suck, even though I am brainy enough to understand some pretty complicated physics theories. Unfortunately, I didn't read the reviews for this one until after I wasted two hours watching this junk.

5. Big Fish: This was a sweet and touching movie. If you liked Secondhand Lions, you'll like Big Fish, too. I haven't yet, but I would watch this one again.

Rob Schneider Is Not Funny

I never have understood how Rob Schneider ever made it into a second season on Saturday Night Live, and I understand even less how he ever got a part in a film, much less a starring role.

Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo was one of the lamest movies I ever saw part of. I didn't see the whole thing, of course, because I am not a masochist.

Last time Schneider made a bad gigolo film, Patrick Goldstein ripped it in his review, and Schneider made an ass of himself by taking out an ad in the paper and calling out Goldstein for never having made a film himself and never having won a Pulitzer Prize.

Since I, too, am without a Pulitzer Prize or hit film under my belt, (and because I have no intention of wasting an hour and fifteen minutes of valuable lifespan watching it), I will not review Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo. Instead, I will simply quote for you the last paragraph of Roger Ebert's scathing review:

Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in "Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.

Star Wars III Is Coming

I just saw the new Star Wars trailer on AOL. I can't wait. I know the critics are going to hate it, but I think it looks awesome, and I feel like a teenager again when I watch that junk.

The hard core geeks are probably starting to get their camping gear down from the attic.

Ten Movies I Really Hated

There are so many bad movies out there, I could never begin to make a credible list of worst movies ever made. But here are ten that I absolutely hated:

1. The Crying Game: a "this could happen to you" scene 300 times as effective as "Fatal Attraction" at keeping it tucked inside the pants at all times.

2. Born on the Fourth of July: if I want to get bummed out, I can just drive through skid row and do it for free. I don't need to buy a ticket and overpay for a hot dog and a diet coke.

3. Trainspotting: See Born on the Fourth of July, above.

4. Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot: worst line ever uttered by Sylvester Stallone (and the competition for that honor was fierce) "Mom, I can't believe you just shot that guy." Yeah, well, the audience couldn't f*cking believe it, either.

5. Starship Troopers: everyone gets naked except Denise Richards. How is that right?

6. Family Business: how can a film that featured Sean Connery, Dustin Hoffman and Matthew Broderick still suck that bad?

7. Cop and a Half: so bad that I intentionally forgot everything about it.

8. Gods and Monsters: Straight-gay December-May sexual tension is not what I am looking for in a movie.

9. The Blair Witch Project: oh, it looked so cool in the pre-release hype. The movie itself was weak.

10. Hedwig and the Angry Inch: that inch was not nearly as angry as the three bucks I spent renting that crap.

My Favorite Movie Lines

My favorite movie lines of all time are probably a pair of lines from Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Holy Grail. "He chose...poorly." and "You have chosen ... wisely." I mimic the old knight in my everyday conversation at least a few times a month.

Some other favorites rounding out a loose, say, top forty:

Greed is good. (Wall Street)
Vegas, baby! (Swingers)
I coulda been a contender. (On the Waterfront)
A pig is a filthy animal. (Pulp Fiction)

I see dead people. (The Sixth Sense)
Geek, can I be honest with you? (Sixteen Candles)
One time, at band camp... (American Pie)
Yes, but we've localized it. (Altered States)
Are my breasts too small for you? Sometimes. (Singles)

How's the pale ale? (American Pie)
These aren't the droids you're looking for. (Star Wars)
These go to eleven. (This is Spinal Tap)
Schwing! (Wayne's World)
You're giving away all our best secrets! (War Games)

Go ahead, make my day. (Sudden Impact)
You'll shoot your eye out, kid. (Christmas Story)
I wouldn't exactly say I've been missing it, Bob. (Office Space)
I'll be back. (Terminator)
That was my skull! (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

Show me the money! (Jerry Maguire)
K-Mart sucks. (Rain Man)
Take her to da zoo. (Rocky)
I don't have to show you any stinking badges. (The Treasure of the Sierra Madre)
I'll make him an offer he can't refuse. (The Godfather)

You are so money! (Swingers)
If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker. (Rounders)
Ahhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh! (The Godfather)
Some mistakes you never stop paying for. (The Natural)
Do you know how easy this is for me? (Good Will Hunting)

Sometimes, you gotta say, what the f*ck? (Risky Business)
One million dollars! (Austin Powers)
That'll do, pig. (Babe)
I reckon I'm gonna have me summa them french fried pertators, mm-hmm. (Slingblade)
Do I amuse you? (Goodfellas)

Are you suggesting that I am not who I say I am? (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)
You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. (Apocalypse Now)
Spam, spam, spam, spam. (Monty Python's Flying Circus)
I'm your Huckleberry. (Tombstone)

I know a lot of people are fond of "You can't handle the truth!" (A Few Good Men)
I was more partial to the follow up: "You're goddamned right I did!"

But that's just me.

What movie lines did I hate?

These three creepiest movie scenes of all time for straight guys:
3. "Can I kiss you? Please? Can I kiss you on the mouth? Please let me." (Boogie Nights)
2. "Bring out the Gimp." (Pulp Fiction)
1. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew." (The Crying Game)

The most poorly delivered line ever: Keanu Reeves in Point Break:
I...am an F-B-I...agent!

But the worst line ever was from Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot: "Mom, I can't believe you just shot that guy!"

And the audience shouts at the screen: yeah, well we couldn't f*cking believe it, either!"

What great lines have I forgotten?