In case you didn't know, eating raw cookie dough is an activity that should be done within the first six hours after you take it out of the refrigerator. Trust me on this one.
While we are on the subject of things that make me regurgitate, check out this picture of one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's accusers, Rhonda Miller, who claims the governator sexually assaulted her and then defamed her. She looks like one of the scientist monkeys from the original Planet of the Apes. I think it about 1% likely that Ahnold would try to hit that. And although I normally love all things monkey, in Rhonda Miller's case, I'll make an exception.
While we are on the subject of men who allegedly want to get busy with beasts, last week, a frustrated Afghan soldier who could not afford to get married was caught having sex with a donkey. The man claimed "he had no other choice but the donkey because he could not afford to pay a dowry to get married." I say that Islamic prohibitions against sex education are partly to blame. Had this gentleman received a proper education, he might have learned how to use his hand, instead of some other man's ass.
Wait, that didn't quite come out right.
What do you want to bet that the donkey-lover would cut off his legs to get a chance to be with this woman? It's been a month, and this chick is still on Yahoo's most popular pictures page.
Orange County accountant Mark Maughan has filed suit against Google to get it to change PageRank so that searching for his firm doesn't return the California Board of Accountancy's report of the time he had his license suspended. This is a dangerous move for Maughan. If enough people take offense to this, he might get google-bombed, so that everyone who types in "world's worst accountant" goes straight to his website.
I felt quite sad for the winner of this distinction: Guinness has confirmed that the owner of the world's smallest hard di... Wait. I read that wrong at first. Never mind.
Luckily, the news isn't all losers and weirdos. There are some uplifting stories, too.
For example, Arizona just voted to raise the speed limit. The State of Arizona gets it. Oh, yes; they get it. 80 mph is all good. Who wants to crawl along at 70 miles an hour on the way to the Grand Canyon? It's not like you need to slow down to check out the local scenery. It's nothing but lizards, snakes and bugs from Bullhead City east. The faster that stuff buzzes past me, the better.
How did people survive and reproduce before seat belt laws and air bags? When I was a kid, I played with fireworks, rode in the bed of a truck, rode my bike without a helmet, played with toy guns and climbed very tall trees. Such dangerous behavior, yet, unbelievably, I lived to tell about it. We should follow Germany's example (on highway laws only) and adopt the Autobahn protocol. Anarchy rules, as long as you don't cause an accident or pass on the right.
But, how about the story about that 12-year-old girl who was catapulted through a window in her family's SUV during a crash and survived a 45-foot fall from a freeway overpass. Doesn't that make you feel good?
How lucky was she? lt was sort of like when...you know how, sometimes, when you are just about to barrel through a red light, the light turns green just in time? It was lucky like that.
No. It was even luckier than that. lt was more like when you are about to run a red light and the light turns green just in time, and there was a cop sitting at the corner.
No. Wait. It was even luckier than that. lt was more like when you are about to run a red light and the light turns green just in time, and there was a cop at the corner, and you were drunk.
No. Wait. It was even luckier than that. lt was like when you are about to run a red light and the light turns green just in time, and there was a cop at the corner, and you were so drunk, you didn't even know you were nearing an intersection.
But you aren't that lucky. You would probably hit a telephone pole three blocks later. So don't try it.
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