Most of us had at least one friend in high school who was way, way down on the IQ charts. You tend to lose track of them over the years, until you run into someone at a baseball game or something and they say, "so, did you hear what so-and-so did?" And then they tell you, and you wonder how you ever were able to tolerate spending time with so-and-so.
This week, there have been more than a few idiots making the news. Coming soon to a baseball game conversation near you, are the following morans:
Bryan S. Condo drives drunk. In fact, he drives at four times the legal BAC limit. His license has been criminally suspended and he has prior arrests for DWI. But Mr. Condo has a conscience. And it got the better of him. So he pulled over a Vermont trooper and instructed the trooper to arrest him for drunk driving. He's an idiot, but at least he's less harmless than those craftier drunk drivers who try to evade the police.
Slipping beneath the surface of a body of water is an effective way to evade the police. However, if you overdo it, and never come up for air, the consequences can be worse than being arrested, arguably.
If you are going to jump to your death, is it too much for us to ask that you avoid landing on innocent people below?
Bobby Fischer is on the verge of becoming like that dude in the Paris airport who inspired the story in Tom Hanks's new movie, The Terminal. Fischer reportedly wants to renounce his American citizenship because the filthy American government wants to prosecute him for violating an American law that pretty much all of the rest of America obeyed. Hey, Bobo, you may be a fantastic chess player, but I have a country, and you don't!
What's grosser than gross? I've an exemplar. Gross is finding out that your waitress has been pooping in your customers' soup. Grosser still is her confession that she's been doing this for months.
If you sniff drugs for a living, you should probably keep an eye out for signs of overdosing. And if you're a dog, maybe your trainer should do that for you. Otherwise, you're not likely to make it to 50 in dog years.
New religions keep popping up every day. Most don't catch on, like this group from Hertzogville, who believed self-proclaimed prophet David Francis, who predicted that Paul Meintjies would rise from the dead on July 29. Oops. He meant August 5. Oops. He'll get back to you.
I'm not saying that it is wrong to believe that abortion is evil. All I'm saying is that the cops in Connecticut don't want you crossing the state line if you're driving a truck with a giant billboard of an aborted fetus on the side.
I'm not saying that it is wrong to hold beliefs that oppose the gay lifestyle. All I'm saying is that taking an anti-gay sign to a "Gay Day" sporting event is like begging to have same-sex couples make out in front of you.
Along the same lines, the hassle of people freaking out over you using the word "lez" in a professional scrabble game just isn't worth the couple of points that little word is worth.
And if you are a teenage lesbian, and you have a 15-year-old girlfriend that your grandparents hate, I'm not saying that it's wrong to be angry about it. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't kill them. And if you do, writing out a "to do list" that includes "Kill" is not a good idea. Writing it on your arm is, arguably, an even worse idea.
American Pie was very funny. I almost threw up from laughing so hard. American Pie 2 was about as fresh as week old undergarments. American Wedding was awful. And they are going to make an American Pie 4. Stiffler's little brother goes to band camp. Frankly, I don't want to know what he does with his flute.
In Vancouver, everyone seems to be upset over a finding that farm-grown salmon have elevated levels of certain fire-retardant chemicals in them. I don't really mind. After all, I like the idea that my salmon is unlikely to burst into flames on my plate.
Toys R Us is thinking about getting out of the toy business. Maybe they should start selling hamburgers, to fill the gap left by McDonald's, which is now heavily into the toy business.
Some dude has lost 321 pounds is the last eight weeks. How heavy does one have to be to lose that much weight? Hint: enough to kill your half-ton pickup.
Rick Fox proves the adage, "No matter how hot that woman is, there's some guy out there, somewhere, who is sick and tired of sleeping with her."
In the Scott Peterson trial, Amber Frey has taken the stand to prove the correlating theorum that "No matter how mediocre that skank looks, there is some guy out there, somewhere, who would be willing to sleep with her at least once." Can anyone tell me why Gloria Allred needs to be at that trial "representing" Frey as she testifies? I mean, other than, because she wants to be on TV.
The death of an obese Massachusetts woman and her 8-month-old fetus has people concerned over the risks associated with stomach stapling procedures. The woman had the procedure performed about 10 months before she got pregnant. When she died, the woman was still 440 pounds. 440 pounds? Forget what I said before about Amber Frey. This pregnant Massachusetts woman was the proof that no matter what you look like, there is a man out there willing to do it with you. I, however, am not that man.
If you are Paris Hilton's boyfriend, and you want to slap her around, as any corrupt Tijuana policeman can tell you, there is a right way to do it, and there is a wrong way. The wrong way is to use fists, which leave behind visible bruises. Far better is to hit her upside the head with a telephone book. It gets your point across, but leaves no visible bruises.
The same could be said, I suppose, if you want to persuade a hotel employee to have consensual sex with you.
You know the old saying, fools rush in where angels fear to tread? The Kobe Bryant prosecutors seem to have lost their nerve. Nerve was all they had.
I wonder if they got their diplomas from California Alternative High School. This school taught its student body that Congress had two houses -- the Senate for Democrats and the House for Republicans; that the U.S. flag had not been updated to reflect the addition of Alaska, Hawaii and Puerto Rico to the "original" 50 states; that the federal "administrative" branch oversees the Treasury Department; and that World War II occurred from 1938 to 1942. They considered that the "non-fiction" curriculum. In the fiction department, their students were sent on wild library searches to locate a copy of the classic "Death of a Traveling Salesman." Deaths of plain old ordinary salesmen weren't interesting enough to read about. Yet, ironically, California Alternative High School is interesting enough to read about.
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