Tomorrow Is My 20-Year Reunion

Twenty years ago, I graduated from high school. I was much thinner and younger, and very smart, even though I now know that I didn't know shit. At my last reunion, I attended without my wife, who was home with our freshly minted baby. This time, people won't think the wedding band represents my imaginary girlfriend from Niagara Falls.

Last time, I should have won a contest to see who had the youngest child, but I lost to a woman who couldn't count. "Younger than 5 weeks" should have been the mark. However, she remained standing, firm in her belief that her 8-week-old was younger than five weeks. And she stole the prize from my almost-five-week-old baby when I sat down, honestly, at "younger than four". Grrr. Revenge is a dish best served cold. I'm working on something. Something subtle. If she's smart, she'll stay home. Whoowahahaha.

I'm looking forward to seeing the first girl I ever "went around" with, but did not kiss on the lips.

I'm looking forward to seeing the first girl I ever kissed on the lips, even though we never went around.

The other interesting "first girl" stuff involved girls from the classes of 85 and 86. So I'm safe.

I'm looking forward for being mistaken for Steve by the chick who had all that "work" done.

I'm going to find out when and how Steve Heemskerk died. He was cool.

The reunion is in Long Beach, but I have a mediation in the morning with [GREAT BIG RESTAURANT CHAIN]. On the plane to San Francisco in the morning, I'm going to be reading my high school yearbook to brush up on my classmates' faces. Then I'm buying a Barry Bonds Hits 700! newspaper and heading upstairs to negotiate the biggest case of my life.

I'm hoping that the case will settle, 'cause how sweet would it be to have someone ask if I have any interesting cases, and be able to say, "well, I had a really interesting one against [GREAT BIG RESTAURANT CHAIN], but it settled today for $6.5 million."

In fact, I hope that question is posed by the biotch who finished ahead of me academically by having her parents come in and bitch about every B+, but who is now leading the very ordinary life she cheated and cajoled her teachers to get her away from. For her, I'm practicing how to say "I used to think being a millionaire was going to be great, but, frankly, I don't even feel like I have money to spend" without sounding overtly pretentious.

I'm hoping to strike up a conversation with someone who is lamenting the fact that we can't see the USC-BYU game.

I'm hoping to strike up a conversation with someone who is lamenting the fact that we aren't at Inland Invasion 4.

I'm working on my quick retort to legal advice seekers (though there will be 3 of us lawyers at the reunion): "I'm not that kind of lawyer."

Man, that phrase comes in handy.

"Did you see that bastard defense attorney talking about how great his rapist client was?"
I'm not that kind of lawyer.
"My wife's attorney totally fucked me out of everything I owned."
I'm not that kind of lawyer.
"How do you get out of DUI's and stuff on technicalities?"
I'm not that kind of lawyer.
"I want to kill lawyers."
I'm not that kind of lawyer.
"My daughter works at that great big chain store, and says they don't pay overtime or give breaks."
Really? I am just that type of lawyer. We need to talk.

Comments

[Cow]

Hope you had fun! I probably shouldn't mention when I graduated high school; suffice it to say, though, that I was at least alive when you graduated . . .

[Retro Girl]

I hope you had a great time!