Lex Icon Lexargy

NFL Intrigue

I saw this coming. I don't know why every NFL general manager didn't. On draft day, I thought the best pick of the day was Pittburgh's selection of Ben Roethlisberger. At the time, I wrote: It was fun watching the Pittsburgh picking the gracious Ben Roethlisberger. He was a great pick at the 11th spot -- a steal for the Steelers. That was a pretty bold statement if I do say so myself. You expect a great player with the 11th pick overall, but I thought that Roethlisberger should have gone number one overall.

As a rookie, Roethlisberger is the fourth highest rated QB in the NFL. And today, he accomplished what 21 straight QBs could not: beating the Patriots. The Steelers are 5-1 and in first place, and they look like a team good enough to compete for the Super Bowl.

Meanwhile, top pick Eli Manning has thrown nine passes all season, completing just three. He's been sacked once and fumbled once. He may yet develop into a passer like his brother, but for now, Manning is a typical rookie quarterback who is accomplishing nothing.

With the Patriots losing, only Philadelphia remains unbeaten. The 1972 Dolphins must be smiling already, antipating an Eagles loss sooner, quite possibly next week at Pittsburgh.

With all the Raider fans dressed up like Vandals, Goth and Huns, you'd have no trouble guessing it was Halloween, except that Raider fans dress up like that every week. Los Angeles area football fans aren't missing the Raiders, who have lost 16 of their last 20 games. It's about a two-hour drive to San Diego to see the Chargers, but on days like today, it's worth it.

And the political game of the week ended badly for President Bush. As I've noted before, since the Redskins moved to Washington, their fate in their last home game before the presidential election has perfectly matched the fate of the incumbent party in the White House in that year's election. There can't possibly be a causal relationship, but effectively, this statistic is like a coin toss that has been correctly called 16 straight times. Mathematicians would called that a 1 in 65,536 longshot. Actually, it could be argued that the string goes back one more election, since the 1936 Boston Redskins game fit the parameters, too. But I won't count that. The streak is only interesting when it involves a DC team.

Anyhow, the Packers beat the Skins today, and in quite controversial fashion. Clinton Portis celebrated the apparent winning touchdown that gave the Redskins a one-point lead with 2:35 to play, but there was a flag on the play -- an illegal motion penalty that Washington coach Joe Gibbs called "an absolute mystery.'' With the mulligan, Green Bay managed to intercept a pass and march down for a game-sealing touchdown. If form holds, Bush will lose on Tuesday, hopefully in a less controversial way. But in a world where the Red Sox can come back from a 3-0 series deficit to beat the Yankees, and then win the World Series to boot, anything is possible. Let's just hope the way the game was decided is not a metaphor for the way the election is decided.

Mixed Political Rants

The Nation has a list of 100 Facts and 1 Opinion in support of its Case Against the Bush Administration. Each fact is just a sentence or two, with links to sources, divided into 12 categories: Iraq, terror, national security, cronyism/corruption, economics, health care, the environment, civil liberties, flip-flops, biography and secrecy. Most are fairly legitimate criticisms, although many are dependant upon your point of view, and many of the "facts" are mere opinions. In some cases, they may be correct, but they are just opinions.

For example:
1. The Bush Administration has spent more than $140 billion on a war of choice in Iraq.
The dollar amount may be fact, but the "war of choice" is a matter of opinion. I happen to agree with it, but that doesn't make it a fact.
2. The Bush Administration sent troops into battle without adequate body armor or armored Humvees.
Also a matter of opinion.
13. The Bush Administration failed to commit enough troops to capture Osama bin Laden when US forces had him cornered in the Tora Bora region of Afghanistan in November 2001.
That is both an opinion (whether it was "enough") and a controverted fact. We don't really know whether bin Laden was ever cornered.

A great many of the "facts" are like that. They should have just called them "reasons", but then people wouldn't falsely assume that they were all true and correct facts.

Jimmy Carter has criticized Bush for exploiting 9/11 in his campaign. And he's absolutely correct. But until someone with more credibility than the single least effective president in American history speaks out against it, I will lend no credence to the critique. After all, the real message of this campaign, for those paying close attention, is that the truth is not as important as the credibility of the person who is speaking it.

One of the most disgusting elements of this campaign is the frequent Bush camp requirement that no one who disagrees with the president come anywhere near a Bush rally. The worst examples I can think of are the three teachers who were booted from a ticketed event for wearing "Protect our civil liberties" shirt, and the students at Richland Center High School who were threatened with discipline for wearing a pro-Kerry pin, hat or shirt during George W. Bush's official visit to the school. Principal John Cler, (608) 647-6131 x1590, Richland Center High School, 23200 Hornet High Rd., Richland Center, WI 53581 defended the decision, saying that no one was actually threatened with expulsion. As if that is a justification for this government-sponsored political content-based prior restraint upon free speech....

Stuff To Do Online (Part 19)

Thanks to my newly upgraded typepad account, I can write these things up all at once and then post one every day for a week without even touching my computer. So here's another list of stuff to do online that I've seen in the past few weeks.

First, some monkey stuff:

The website says chunky monkey. I missed the monkey.

US scientists have taught a monkey to operate a robotic arm to feed itself using only the power of its thoughts.

Researchers have found a link between mesothelioma and a monkey virus that contaminated polio vaccines. President Bush says that any link must be the result of frivolous lawsuits by greedy trial attorneys.

Still no confirmation on cloned humans, but it looks like one firm has replicated a monkey.

There are always another few interesting blogs to read:

This poker blogger is becoming one of my favorites. e.g.: On October 29, 2003, my wife and I were given the greatest gift a person can ever receive - my son was born. I know, some of you were probably thinking were given a copy of "Super System" or I won a sattelite entry to the WSOP or something like that. Dude is too into poker, but who am I to judge?

Another interesting one is Palm Addict. When I was in 8th grade, a palm addict was someone who spanked his naughty little monkey too often. Today, it means people who are constantly finding new uses for their pda. It has links to news, freeware, user tips and lots of other goodness. It's updated many times a day, too.

Anonymous Lawyer: Stories from the trenches, by a fictional hiring partner at a large law firm in a major city.

And my new blog: Three Bits o Trivia, at http://lexicon.typepad.com/triviums/. And yes, I know that trivium is not the single unit word for trivia (as in the stadium, stadia rule). The trivium consists of the three subjects in the lower division of the seven liberal arts: grammar, rhetoric, and logic. I like the word in that context anyway.

You can take quizzes or tests:

Test your knowledge of all things football and Guinness.

How evil are you?

Which golden girl are you?

Try the world's smallest political quiz.

You can watch amazing or amusing videos:

How to tell that you are way to into your technology.

This week's video of a skateboarder breaking his board with his scrotum can be found here.

This is just incredible. It is not a fake; it's a real wave. The surfer is Mike Parsons. This was the winning wave in the XXL Competition at Jaws.

Them: Ten guys with nothing better to do than a live-action ripoff of that stupid badger animation.
You: The person with nothing better to do than watch ten guys with nothing better to do than a live-action ripoff of that stupid badger animation.

You can play games:

Free online poker, here or here.

Donkey con.

The very brief Target Shooter.

Nucleus. Whatever.

You can do odd things:

The interactive Halloween House camweb.

Torture George W. Bush. Or John F. Kerry.

Find a Connecticut lawsuit online. While you're there, see if there are any frivolous flu vaccine lawsuits.

Make anagrams with the Internet anagram server.

You can see strange or interesting stuff:

This website features some scary Halloween costumes for kids. Not so much because of their political leanings, but because kids shouldn't have politics thrust upon them so hard that they want to be political speech for Halloween.

I love these Hi-Def pictures of the Grand Canyon.

Today's front pages. 334 front pages from 41 countries presented alphabetically.

Watch this radio prank, where a straight guy in the studio gets blindfolded and cops a feel of some other dude's man-breasts.

You can learn something new:

Just in time for Halloween: How to make a toga. How to make some other last second Halloween costumes.

Just in time for the election. How does the Electoral College work?

How to make kitty litter cake. An edible version.

I thought this thing was a bad idea, but it won't come back to haunt us for tens of thousands of years. The Voyager Craft's message to the Universe on a golden CR-rom. All you ever wanted to know about it.

You can buy strange or wonderful things:

It's not as good for Halloween as a real scare crow, but these eyeball things are supposedly pretty effective with the crows.

So your kid wants to be a pimp for Halloween? Or a whoopie cushion?

On eBay, you could have bid on the Holy Grail of Collectable Computers - Apple-1 CPU, but you didn't.

I'm not sure what you can get with these online tokens.

You can sit and wonder what these people were thinking:

A crazy chef in London may have ruined his career by accusing a well-to-do patron (who just spent almost $1,000 on dinner) of stealing a spoon.

There are tattoos that are kind of gay, and then there are tattoos that as as gay and they can get. (NSFW)

At this website, the government brags about and demonstrates all the different brilliant ways people tried to smuggle drugs and stuff, but got caught. Meanwhile, if you are still smuggling contraband the old-fashioned ways, this website can really improve your game.

A species of bamboo that flowers once every 48 years is causing everyone in parts of north-eastern India to fear an increase in rats, famine and unrest. And they are probably giving you technical support on your Service Pack 2 upgrade.

You can puzzle over why these twins were not raised together:

Molly Culver and Geena Davis.

Alleged wife killer Scott Peterson and Jeremy Piven.

Baltimore Ravens coach Brian Billick and Marshall Bell (Kuato from Total Recall)

Young Anthony Daniels (C3PO) and John Cusack.

You can check out a place far, far away via web cam:

The shark tank at Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Mikie's funhouse in Del Mar, California.

Melbourne, Australia.

Melbourne, Florida.

Finally, you can read a good bullshit story.

Why we need strong laws in favor of patients victimized by medical malpractice. The botched nose job/sex change operation.

The idiot's guide to seducing your grade school teacher.

And the ultimate cautionary tale: Man loses penis in bear trap.

Football Results 10-30-04

Fight on! The weather in Pullman, two hours before game time, was not bad. The Pullman webcam was still showing images from last night. But the webcam in Spokane looked good. The radar looked good, and the rain, if any, looked to be slight.

Game time was a different story. Forecast: Windy this evening with a few rain showers mixing with snow showers overnight. Snow levels above 3000 feet. Low 33F. SW winds at 25 to 35 mph, diminishing to 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 30%. When they kicked off, it was only 37°, with some heavy rain and snow flurries expected. Early on, there was a bit of rain, snow and hail.

Fortunately, weather played little role in the game. If anything, the slippery ball aided USC when WSU fumbled the ball seven times. WSU, known for Couging big games, were ready to Coug this one from the start. Lucky USC. The first play of the game was an awful Cougar onside kick that went two yards forward and skipped out of bounds. Within three minutes, it was 14-0, and the score at the half was 35-0.

I have a poster on my wall that says: "Nothing is less important than the score at halftime." Usually, that is true. When you are down 35-0 at halftime, though, that score is pretty darn important. WSU never had a chance. Their total rushing yardage was negative nine yards! Matt Leinart was 23=28 passing, with 2 TDs and no INTs. On the season, he has 19 passing TDs and only 3 picks. With the 42-12 win, the Trojans improved to 20-21-2 all time in games that had some rain, but more importantly, 8-0 on the season.

My bets today are, as always, finding mixed results.

West Virginia did not cover.
Oklahoma State beat the spread, and almost beat the Sooners.
Iowa did not cover.
Northwestern won outright. That was one of my favorite five. Orton's Heisman hype is over.
Tennessee covered easily.
Minnesota neither covered nor won.
Texas covered easily.
Michgan did not cover. I knew I was going to be wrong on that one.
Georgia minus 7 was a push. Florida came back to tie the spread.
Maryland won outright. That was one of my favorite five. I thought FSU was waiting to be exposed.
Miami lost straight up. I was so glad to be wrong.
USC covered. Excellent. The field was dry most of the night.
Texas A&M lost straight up. That was the most shocking upset in my opinion. Baylor sucks.
LSU did not cover.
Auburn covered.
California covered. Also one of my favorite five.
Utah won big, as I expected, but there was no spread.

Overall, the picks went 8-7-1, but, again, the favorite picks went better.
In the five games I would have bet on big, I was 3-1-1, and USC won, even though the field was wet.

Oklahoma did not look so invincible, but a win is a win, especially on the road in conference play. Just ask Miami. Miami, Florida and Florida State all lost. That last happened in 1978.

With Indiana's upset win over Minnesota, Penn State and Illinois are left as the last winless teams in Big Ten conference play. Joe Paterno is no longer a good coach.

So, next week, the unbeatens will be:

USC @ Oregon State [will weather matter?]
Oklahoma @ Texas A&M [that looks dangerous]
Auburn, idle and preparing for Georgia on November 13
Wisconsin hosting Minnesota
Utah hosting Colorado State
Boise State, idle and preparing for San Jose State

I still think USC and Wisconsin will be the only unbeaten BCS schools at season's end.

Football Bets 10-30-04

All of the unbeatens are favored big, but all five playing Saturday are on the road. The toughest challenge faces the Sooners, who are at rival Oklahoma State. USC could have trouble with the weather in Pullman, but Utah, Miami and Auburn should roll.

Virginia Tech and Boise State both beat the spread already. Boise State was awesome. After Hawaii score the first points on a first quarter field goal, the Broncos came back to score 69 straight! And Timmy Chang didn't quite break Ty Detmer's passing record. He'll have to wait a week. I hope the Hokies don't lose another game. I hope Arizona State loses for the final time this year, and California keeps on winning. But most importantly, I hope USC wins and covers.

The Saturday games involving AP-ranked teams, and my picks against the spread, are:

(1) USC at Wash St [+23.5] Pick USC minus.
(2) Oklahoma at (20) Okla St [+12.5] Pick Oklahoma State plus.
(3) Auburn at Mississippi [+15] Pick Auburn minus.
(4) Miami (FL) at UNC [+14.5] Pick Miami minus (please be wrong, please, please, please)
**(5) Florida St at Maryland [+9.5] Pick Maryland plus (maybe straight up.)
**(20) Arizona St at (7) California [-11.5] Pick California minus.
(8) Texas at Colorado [+11.5] Pick Texas minus.
(9) Utah at San Diego St [off] No pick. Utah will win, though.
**Florida at (10) Georgia [-7] Pick Georgia minus.
(11) Tennessee at S Carolina [+3] Pick Tennessee minus. Granny sucks.
Michigan St at (12) Michigan [-12.5] Pick Michigan minus. (changed my mind twice).
(15) W Virginia at Rutgers [+13] Pick West Virginia minus.
**(16) Texas A&M at Baylor [+20] Pick A&M minus. Baylor sucks.
**(17) Purdue at Northwestern [+8.5] Pick Northwestern plus.
Vanderbilt at (19) LSU [-20.5] Pick LSU minus.
(23) Iowa at Illinois [+13.5] Pick Iowa minus.
(24) Minnesota at Indiana [+15] Pick Minnesota minus.

My five favorite wagers are marked with asterisks. Add USC to the list if the field is dry.

Unranked Penn State plays unranked Ohio State. Those words don't seem to read right, do they?
Unranked UCLA hosts unranked Stanford. That sounds normal.
Unranked Notre Dame is idle. No chance at another "perfect day."

Does anyone out there know of a good site to look up the college football odds, sorted by ranking?

Random Thoughts on the Tele

I now know why Jimmy Fallon was on the field making out with Drew Barrymore.

Typepad told me today that I got a couple of referrals from http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/gardenstate/blog/index.html. That's Zach Braff's blog. Zach plays JD on NBC's very funny comedy, Scrubs. No matter how hard I looked, I couldn't figure out where the referral came from. But I noticed that this dude scores about 1,000 comments every time he posts anything. One of the truly underreported benefits of being famous.

Starting Monday, Fahrenheit 9/11 will be available in streaming video online for the bargain price of just $9.95. Personally, I prefer my propaganda to be priced at $1.99 or less, so I won't be shelling out the ducats.

Fear Factor just keeps getting worse and worse. Who comes up with this stuff? Could you imagine being the guy whose job it is to think up disgusting stuff for these contestants to do? I couldn't do it. I'm overqualified. I once dared my buddy to pop and eat what looked like a zit on an elephant's ass. Since I didn't have $50,000 to pay for the dare, he didn't do it.

I watched another one of those asteroid shows on TV the other night. If an asteroid really struck the Earth and made a 1,000 foot wave, how long and far do you think a good surfer could surf that dog?

Roseanne Barr once had a tattoo on her butt that read "Property of Tom Arnold." Arnold joked that it made him the fourth-biggest property owner in California, so she got it zapped off, which, apparently, was easier than slimming down to a comfortable 300 pounds or less.

One of the funniest things I ever heard on TV was this Deep Thoughts quote from Jack Handey:

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I hope God doesn't cry in Pullman tomorrow.

Voting for the Quarterback, or the Commentator?

When you hear John Kerry criticize George Bush's policies in Afghanistan and Iraq, consider this:

Within days of Sept. 11, the clueless airhead president that inhabits Michael Moore's films and Tina Brown's dinner parties had done this: forced Pakistan into alliance with us, isolated the Taliban, secured military cooperation from Afghanistan's northern neighbors, and authorized a radical war plan involving just a handful of Americans on the ground, using high technology and local militias to utterly rout the Taliban.

President Bush put in place a military campaign that did in two months what everyone had said was impossible: defeat an entrenched, fanatical, ruthless regime in a territory that had forced the great British and Soviet empires into ignominious retreat. Bush followed that by creating in less than three years a fledgling pro-American democracy in a land that had no history of democratic culture and was just emerging from 25 years of civil war.

Whom do you want as president? The man who conceived the Afghan campaign, carried it through without flinching when it was being called a "quagmire" during its second week and has seen it through to Afghanistan's transition to democracy? Or the retroactive genius, who always knows what needs to be done after it has already happened — who would have done "everything" differently in Iraq, yet in Afghanistan would have replicated Bush's every correct, courageous, radical and risky decision — except one. Which, of course, he would have done differently. He says. Now.

[Lifted entirely from Charles Krauthammer]

It [Almost] Never Rains in Southern California

I've been watching the weather in Pullman, Washington. At the moment, the forecast for Saturday is "Windy with rain at times. Highs in the upper 40s and lows in the mid 30s." The Trojans have no ranked teams left on their schedule, and the game this Saturday against Washington State, in bad weather, on artificial turf, looks as dangerous as anything remaining.

USC has a 19-21-2 record in games in which it rained during a major portion of the contest. The first USC game I ever attended was a rainy game that USC lost to Notre Dame. But the Trojans have won 27 of their last 28 games since losing in Pullman in 2002.

At least the Trojans have had the chance to practice in rainy weather this week. Southern California is in the middle of a long drought, but October has been very wet. This week, the 48-hour rainfall totals exceeded 10 inches in a few mountain and foothill locations. Santa Ana (where I keep my office and where Matt Leinart and Matt Grootegoed went to high school) got 3.15 inches of rain on October 20, which was more than the prior record (1.89 inches in 1957) for the entire month of October. It followed up with 1.85 inches on Tuesday. The weather was still dark for much of today. Cloudy with a few showers. Thunder possible. Low near 50F. Winds light and variable. Chance of rain 30%.

But this weather is still nowhere near as bad as some of the forecasts I read for Florida last month, like this one during Hurricane Jeanne:

Sunday: A wind driven heavy rain. High around 85F. Winds NNE at 60 to 80 mph. Rainfall over two inches. Winds could occasionally gust over 100 mph.

So, it does rain in Southern California after all. But I won't complain about the weather this week unless it rains in Pullman and USC loses to the Cougars.

Urban Legend

Announcer Vin Scully will always be remembered for the call he made of the infamous ground ball from Mookie Wilson to Bill Buckner in the 1986 World Series.

"So the winning run is at second base with two out. Three-and-two to Mookie Wilson. . . . A little roller up along first . . . behind the bag . . . it gets through Buckner! Here comes Knight! And the Mets win it!"

Most people don't recall the comment Scully made during the ninth inning of game seven, on October 27, 1986.

"There are babies being born today who will be grown men and women before Boston wins another World Series."

Eighteen years later, on October 27, 2004, the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals 3-0 in game four of the 2004 World Series. And as they did, thousands of babies born on October 27, 1986 celebrated their eighteenth birthday. They had all become grown men and women, with just hours to spare before the Red Sox won their first World Series since 1918.

The Curse Is 86'd

Wow. Just...wow.

From cursed to cured, the Boston Red Sox have won the World Series. In a related story, the moon has disappeared.

It seemed surreal, didn't it? For me, it was less strange than watching (from the right field stands) the Angels win the World Series. But it was still surreal.

Various stuff we heard, noticed or thought while watching the game:

Losing is a disease. As contagious as syphilis. It turns out, Nomar Garciaparra might have been the carrier (of the losing, not the syphilis). Now that he's been traded to the Cubs, the Cubs might find that they, too, are cursed.

Chicago fans must be pretty depressed tonight. White Sox, Cubs, take your pick. The Cubs last won in 1908. The White Sox last won in 1917.

It is possible that St. Louis has a stronger curse than Boston. Or just against Boston. The last time St. Louis made it to the Super Bowl (2002), the Rams lost to the Patriots. The last time St. Louis made it to the Stanley Cup Finals (1970) the Blues fell to the Bruins. The last time St. Louis made it to the NBA Finals (1961), the Hawks lost to the Celtics. Now the Cardinals have lost to the Red Sox.

Yankee fans won't look quite so clever next year with their signs that say "2004" every time Boston comes to town. And "19...18" is a much better chant than "two thou...sand four."

Worst sign in the crowd: "We forgive you Bill Buckner." Screw you. Leave him alone. He doesn't want your forgiveness. He wants your forgetness.

Some people have been telling us that the Red Sox won on the 18th anniversary of Buckner's error. Buckner's error was made in a game than began on October 25, 1986. It came in the 10th inning, which was probably after midnight, so October 26 is the day. But the game scheduled to start that evening was rained out, so game seven was played on October 27. Thus, the Sox actually won on the 18th anniversary of losing game seven of the '86 Series.

To paranoid Red Sox fans who remember every painful detail from the past, that 3-0 lead smelled a lot like game seven of the 1986 World Series.

86 is the magic number here. 1986 - the last time the Red Sox played for the championship. 86 - the number of years since their last title.

Favorite headlines so far:
1. Cursed to First
2. Ghostbusters
3. Red Sox are High on Lowe
4. And I'm sure Boston Glee Party will be making its return.

Frankly, I was expecting better. Like, maybe, Sox for You, St. Louis.

Though they dropped three straight games to the Yankees along the way, basically, the Sox swept every team they met in the playoffs. Add that to the long line of impressive accomplishments by this team.

The Red Sox never trailed in the series. The Cardinals might not have been the best team in baseball after all. You'd at least think that the best team in baseball could squeeze a brief one-run lead out of 36 innings of play.

How bad was the St. Louis pitching? The Red Sox only swung and missed 17 pitches in all four games!

Hindsight says that firing Grady Little was the best coaching move since USC fired Paul Hackett.

The the first time ever, the road to a World Series championship went through Anaheim.

For the fourth straight year, it went through New York.

How funny is it that the Yankees will be the visiting team when Boston raises its World Series Champion flags next April?

Somebody get Jimmy Fallon off the field.

That Nike commercial with the time lapse video of Red Sox fans aging 86 years is awesome.

On a night that featured a lunar eclipse, it made sense that Héctor Luna's team would take the loss. Luna, by the way, was hitless in one at-bat.

Is anyone else still waiting to make sure that the league doens't declare St. Louis the winner by forfeit for Boston using an ineligible player or something?

Did anyone else think Keith Foulke was going to drop the ball as he ran toward first base?

Foulke didn't choke. Calvin Schiraldi and Bob Stanley would have choked.

Only one of the Red Sox -- Mark Bellhorn -- is a native of Boston. He was hitless tonight, but walked three times.

Did Derek Lowe win the last game of every series? That's worth telling the grandkids about in 40 years.

Many people know the date that the Bambino was traded to New York. Few remember that the day Boston won its last World Series was September 11.

I feel really, really bad for anyone from Boston who died this morning.

I feel almost as bad for people who had tickets to games six and seven. The people with tickets to game five are probably happy to have a refund coming.

I'll bet St. Louis would have lost game five, too.

I still think those people who had faith in the Sox after game three of the ALCS are morons. But who am I to judge? I've bought Lotto tickets before, and those are barely more likely, statistically, to win.

Plus, they were right.

What are Boston fans going to do now? The Red Sox are no longer special. They're just like any other team.

My final bit of advice for celebrating Boston fans:

Drink beer, but ditch the beer goggles. Wear real goggles.
Watch out for those non-lethal police projectiles.
And we'll see you again in 2090.

Rant Against (Democrat) Bullshit No. 3

This is a snippet from Senator Kerry's new advertisement:

"In Iraq, George Bush has overextended our troops and now failed to secure 380 tons of deadly explosives. The kind used for attacks in Iraq, and for terrorist bombings. His Iraq misjudgments put our soldiers at risk, and make our country less secure."

Yesterday, on Kerry's website, he pointed out that "terrorists could use this material to kill our troops and our people, blow up airplanes and level buildings."

How is this all bullshit? Let me count the ways.

First, the use of the word now is outrageous. Granted, this is the man who wants to follow in the footsteps of the president who argues over the meaning of "is", but still, saying "now" is outrageous. American troops arrived at Al-Qaqaa early in 2003, and weapons inspectors thoroughly checked the area, and found that the 380 tons of explosives -- which Saddam admitted to possessing earlier -- were already gone. That isn't now. That’s way back when.

Second, what's with the sudden admission (or is it merely a flip-flop) that these explosives from Iraq are the kind "used for ... terrorist bombings"? The terrorists aren't in Iraq, said Kerry. Iraq is the wrong place, wrong war, wrong time. Or was that bullshit, too. Make up your mind, Senator, did Iraq harbor weapons of terror, or didn't it?

Third, and most importantly: if this is true, what should President Bush have done differently? The clear and obvious implication of this criticism is that Bush waited too long before invading Iraq. He should have moved weeks, and maybe months, sooner. Forget large coalitions. Forget giving peace a chance. We needed to move in before the massive bomb stash could be moved. And clearly, we didn't move fast enough. And clearly, the bomb stash was moved.

Which leads us to another ominous implication. As David Gulliver noted, this breaking story proves that Iraq was capable of moving and hiding voluminous and dangerous weapons well enough that they remain concealed today. Kerry says there were no WMDs in Iraq. How do we know? All we really know is that we've never found them. Does that prove that they did not exist? Certainly not. If it did, then the 380 tons of explosives did not exist either.

The problem is, we know that the 380 tons did exist. And they were moved. And we still haven't found them. So there is no logical reason to assume that the 380 tons were not moved to the same safe place that the WMDs were sent. Syria, perhaps, or Jordan.

Democrats demand to know: where are all the WMDs? Well, it is quite possible that we cannot know the answer to that without invading Syria and Jordan. Is anyone suggesting that we do that? Can I see a show of hands?

President Bush is flawed, and there are plenty of reasons to criticize his administration. Stick to those. There is no reason to lie, exaggerate and imply a pile of bullshit. So just stop, already.

Milli Vanilli Wannabilly

I finally saw it. I never watch Saturday Night Live anymore. Like body noises and chainmailed lists of funny stuff to do in elevators, it just doesn't seem very funny to me these days. But, oh, I wish I had seen Ashlee Simpson's meltdown on live TV Saturday.

For those of you who don't know, Ashlee Simpson is the less pretty, less talented younger sister of Jessica Simpson. She isn't exactly ugly, like, say Paris Hilton. But she's second best. She has a hit song called Pieces of Me. It's tolerable. Radio Disney plays the hell out of it, and my daughters seem to have it playing a lot. It's almost as good as Hilary Duff's stuff.

As anyone who has ever been forced to sit through the Lizzie McGuire Movie knows, some pop singers do not really sing very well. They either have to lip synch all the time (like Milli Vanilli) or sometimes (like Britney Spears and Madonna), or they have background vocals to boost their weak-ass voices (like Paula Abdul) so that their pretty faces can sell more records. Let's face it, Britney Spears will always outsell someone like Bjork, who can sing like a siren but has a face that makes you want to call the paramedics.

Ashlee was doing well in that world until Saturday, when she did Saturday Night Live. Apparently, at Simpson's school, they didn't teach the kids what "live" meant. So she went forth and faked it. After a rousing fake of Pieces of Me, Simpson came out to perform her second song. Apparently, she has more than one song.

During her second number, while her microphone was down near her naughty parts, the music started playing and a recording of Simpson singing Pieces of Me could be heard. The band started playing something different, then the vocals stopped, and Simpson started doing a pathetic little jig, twice, before slinking off the stage about a half minute into the performance. At the end of the show, she ripped on her band. "I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song."

The next day, she had about six different explanations (i.e., the band started playing the wrong song, the drummer hit the wrong button, etc.), the best of which came from her dad, who said that she was using a backup vocal track for the first time ever, because of acid reflux disease. Then, in almost the same breath, he said "Just like any artist in America, she has a backing track that she pushes so you don't have to hear her croak through a song on national television," Joe Simpson.

So do they all have acid reflux?

Now, at least, we will all find out whether that Lizzie McGuire Movie plot was plausible. No, I don't mean the part where American nobody girl Lizzie goes on a school field trip to Italy and meets a famous European pop superstar and ends up singing with him at the MTV European Music Awards. We all know that was completely realistic. I mean that part where a pop star gets busted doing a lip sync and drops from the public eye in an instant.

I can hope.

And maybe next time someone asks me if I want to supersize that order, I'll look up and meet Ashlee Simpson.

Of Missing Mice and Friends Thoughts

I have way more stuff than I think I have.

My garage is like Six Flags for mice. It's supposed to hold three cars, but it couldn't even hold a motorcycle. So today, I worked on the garage. I figure I must have moved about 2 tons, in 20 pound increments. Tonight, I'm wheezing a bit from the dust (at least, I hope it's just dust, and not, say hanta virus) and I'm feeling pain in muscles I haven't heard from since I was in college, but the mice have been unhappily displaced and my dog is guarding all their old homey places.

My dog is a character. I sent her into the garage to catch mice, and she went at it like a fiend until I went inside. Then, minutes later, I pop my head in the garage and she's just kicking back. So she immediately jumps up and starts sniffing around, as if she's been looking for mice non-stop since I closed the door. Some dogs can crap on your carpet and then look as innocent as a newborn baby just a second later, but not my dog. My dog looks as guilty as Satan every moment of every day. She's fooling nobody.

If it's true that the bank owns my house, it would be nice for the bank to clean my garage every so often. It's in their best interest. It keeps the mice from chewing on the load-bearing walls, so, in a way, it would be a preservation of their security interest.

I saw a bunch of stuff that I hadn't looked at since we moved into this house five years ago, and it has me feeling oddly sentimental. I've had so many friends come and go over the years that I sometimes have to sweep up mouse shit and slide around boxes and photo albums to remember them.

Friendship is a peculiar thing. You never know where it will pop up, or how long it will last. I said goodbye to a good friend three weeks ago tonight.

This particular friendship began the same day my wife and I became parents. My wife had a semi-private post-delivery room. Semi-private, of course, means "not quite private."

Last time I got a semi-private room, I was hooked up to about a dozen heart monitoring wires while some wheezing octogenarian spat God-only-knows-what contagions into the room.

My wife was much more fortunate. Her semi-private room, back in 1994, housed a stranger who would eventually become our second child's godmother. Our baby was born about half a day after hers, and this turned out to be a great common bond for friendship.

She and her husband are great people. We've enjoyed knowing them for more than a decade, which makes them about the oldest friends we have as a couple.

But now they are moving to New Mexico, which, for all intents and purposes, might as well be Argentina. I've been to New Mexico exactly zero times in my life, and now, if I want to see these friends again, we'll have to make a special trip to New Mexico to do it. We'll intend to do it at least ten times for every time we actually do.

I have friends who moved to Seattle over ten years ago, and I still haven't seen them since they came to Orange County to visit about eight years ago. I think about them at least every week, but every weekend seems to be a bad weekend to visit. At least our unlimited domestic long distance cell phone plan will keep us in touch for a while.

Now that you can switch cell phone providers and keep your number, they should start working on making email addresses as portable.

What makes a friend truly great?

This used to be my definition: if you got arrested in New Mexico, and you called your friend for bail money, would he book the next flight to Albuquerque? Would you do the same for him? If you answered yes twice, you have a true friend. I have two of those. Now that I have a buddy who would only have to drive about 40 miles to Albuquerque, it might be three with an asterisk.

If you soften the criteria and substitute a drive to Long Beach for the flight to New Mexico, I might have two or three more.

Luckily, none of my friends ever moved to Toledo. I never have figured out where Toledo is located, and probably never will. All I know is that it's far; and they have a minor league baseball team that, sadly, is called the Mud Hens; and they have a college with a pretty weak football team that is unbeaten in an even weaker conference.

It's that time of year. I can barely speak or type a sentence without at least a passing reference to college football.

USC Game Report: Washington

USC beat Washington 38-0 today at the Coliseum, winning their 19th straight home game and 16th straight overall. USC now leads the series with Washington 45-26-4. The win will keep USC ranked number one in all three major polls. Washington's loss assures them of their first losing season in 28 years (the third longest stretch among Div. I-A teams). This morning, the oddsmakers had USC listed as a 35 point favorite. The Huskies really are in shambles right now, and it was unsurprising that the number one team in the country would beat them this badly.

Today wasn't just good for Trojan fans. It was a Perfect Day. Among USC faithful, the phrase "Perfect Day" has a defined meaning. It means that our three favorite teams all won. Today, those teams were USC, Arizona State (UCLA's opponent) and Boston College (Notre Dame's opponent). It was the first time this season that UCLA and Notre Dame had both lost on a day when USC played. The Trojans made the most of their chance.

I was at the Coliseum to see it in person. I had to buy from a scalper again, but tickets were not hard to find. In fact, quite a few people were giving their tickets away. The Huskies just aren't the draw they used to be. I could have had a nosebleed seat for free, but instead, I paid $40 for a ticket at the 38 yard line. However, I only stayed in my seat for the first half. I spent the second half sitting with the crazies near the field in the corner seats lining the tunnel.

Aside from some offensive struggles in the first half, the game couldn't have gone much better for the Trojans. Washington never moved the ball all day. They ran for 50 yards. They passed for 62 yards, completing just 7 of 28 passes. It looked like they literally had no plan on offense. Their quarterback just bounced around looking for receivers and then either threw a bad pass or scrambled. They had just 6 first downs all day.

After a slow start, USC brought it all together on offense. The Trojans finally covered the spread with their last touchdown. They also had a touchdown called back by a really bad call in the first half when a Washington fumble (returned for a score) was ruled an incomplete pass. They had 13 different receivers catch the ball. Their fourth string tailback, Desmond Reed, scored on a 28-yard touchdown run. (The picture posted above is LenDale White's second touchdown.) But most importantly, the Trojans gave up a donut on defense.

The shutout was the first since November 1981 for Washington. In fact, Washington's streak of 271 games without being shut out was the longest such streak in Division I-A. It's gone (Michigan is now best with 256). It almost makes up for the 31-0 shutout the Huskies pitched against USC in 1990 and the 27-0 shutout they pitched in 1997, both of which ended years-long scoring streaks for USC.

Yes, real college football fans hold grudges and remember shit like that. Washington fans might remember, for example, that the last shutout was at the Coliseum, albeit at the hands of UCLA, not USC.

I met Reggie Bush's dad and a bunch of his relatives. They told me Reggie wouldn't try to turn pro next year like Mike Williams did, but they made no promises about a senior year. I had a very brief chat with Shaun Cody after the game, as he signed an autograph for a creepy-looking baseball card dealer type guy. It went something like this: "Nice game, Shaun." "Thanks." I took some pretty cool pictures, both during and after the game. This is the first time USC has opened the season with 7 straight wins since 1988, which was my first year as a USC student.

It was another great day around the country, but my picks did not do well.

USC covered. (1-0)
Kansas would have beat the spread, but Oklahoma scored a chickenshit TD from its starting quarterback to its leading receiver with 35 seconds to play and a 24 point lead at home. USC would have taken a knee, as it did inside the 10 yard line with time running out against Colorado State and Stanford. (1-1)
Kentucky was a field goal shy of beating the spread against Auburn. (1-2)
NC State did not beat the spread. Miami looked good again. (1-3)
Florida State did not cover. They belong beneath Wisconsin in the polls. (1-4)
Wisconsin won by 12. That's a push.
California covered. They belong ahead of Florida State. (1-5)
Texas covered by four TDs. (2-5)
Utah covered that huge 24 point spread and then some. (3-5)
Georgia did not cover, winning by 6 on an 8 point spread. (3-6)
Tennessee did not cover. (3-7)
Michigan won outright in a slight upset. (4-7).
Virginia fell 4 short of covering the 25 point spread. (4-8)
Texas A&M won, but did not cover, as I had called. (5-8).
Troy beat the spread, and damn near beat LSU straight up. LSU is no longer elite and will not be in a BCS bowl, so this is the only time the Tigers will face a team called the Trojans this year. (6-8).
Fresno State did not beat the spread. (6-9)
Florida not only did not cover, it lost to Mississippi State. MSU was 1-5, ranked dead last in the nation in offense, and it lost to Maine. Ron Zook is toast. He should put his house on the market and start working on his coordinator resume. (6-10)
Arizona State did not cover, but it beat the Bruins. Thank you. (6-11).
Oklahoma State won outright. (7-11)
Notre Dame neither covered nor won. Sweet. (7-12).
Iowa won outright (6-4) in the ugliest football game I ever saw on TV. Iowa had just three first downs in the second half, but Penn State was worse. Half of Penn State's 4 points came on an intentional safety, and Penn State missed two easy field goals and had five turnovers -- several deep inside Iowa territory. (8-12)

So, if I'd been in Vegas, I'd have lost money on the Top 25. However, I usually just bet my favorite picks. As I noted yesterday, those picks were favorites USC, Arizona State and Texas, plus dogs Iowa and Oklahoma State. Both dogs won outright and two of the three favorites covered. I'd have gone 4-1 in Vegas and I'd have made money.

This is fun. I love college football.

Football Bets 10-23-04

With the Red Sox busy trying to end their curse, it is fair and just that the football matchups are less exciting than last week. Unlike last week, we are not guaranteed that one of the remaining unbeaten teams will fall. USC, Oklahoma and Auburn all look safe at home. Utah looks safe at UNLV. Miami is visiting a decent conference foe, and Wisconsin and Boise State face decent challenges at home. The Saturday games involving ranked teams, and my picks against the spread, are:

Washington at 1 USC (-34.5) - A huge margin, but I'm picking USC and rooting for a shutout.
Kansas at 2 Oklahoma (-27.5) - That's enough points for me to take Kansas.
Kentucky at 3 Auburn (-30) - I'll take Kentucky and the points, but just barely.
4 Miami (FL) at NC State (+7.5) - NC State. Maybe straight up.
5 Florida St at Wake Forest (+13.5) - Unless Rix starts, I'm giving the points and taking FSU.
Northwestern at 6 Wisconsin (-12) - Wisconsin minus 12 looks like a good bet.
7 California at Arizona (+22) - At home, the Wildcats are tough. Ask Wisconsin. I'll take the points.
8 Texas at Texas Tech (+1.5) - I hope I'm wrong, but I'll take the Horns, less the point.
9 Utah at UNLV (+24) - This isn't Utah's week to lose. Give the points.
10 Georgia at Arkansas (+8) - Take Georgia, give the points.
Alabama at 11 Tennessee (-7) - Tennessee, less the points.
13 Michigan at 12 Purdue (-4) - This is the best game of the week. I'll take Michigan +4.
14 Virginia at Duke (+25) - Duke sucks. Give the points.
Colorado at 17 Texas A&M (-19.5) - I don't think A&M will lose, or cover. Colorado +19.5.
Troy at 18 LSU (-23.5) - I think Troy will cover.
Fresno St at 19 Boise St (-9.5) - This is the toughest game for an unbeaten. I'll take FSU and the points.
20 Florida at Mississippi St (+24.5) - MSU is really bad. I'd give the points and take the Gators.
UCLA at 21 Arizona State (-8) - UCLA sucks. ASU is mad. They will cover.
22 Oklahoma St at Missouri (-3.5) - The Cowboys +3.5? Sounds too good to be true. I'll take it.
BC at 24 Notre Dame (-7) - I hope I'm wrong (so does Utah), but I think the Irish cover.
25 Iowa at Penn St (-2.5) - I must have read this wrong. Penn State can't be favored. I'd take Iowa and give the points.

My five favorite picks are USC, Arizona State, Iowa, Oklahoma State and Texas.

I'll be at the Coliseum. Watch for me on TV. I'll be the dude wearing the red shirt.

Rednecks

If I was Jeff Foxworthy, my first joke on Halloween would be this:

If you think pumpkin is something you do in the privacy of your own bedroom, you might be a redneck.

If you are from Kentucky or Tennessee, that shed ain't funny, I know.

Five Things I Would Like To See With My First Time Machine

1. The Kennedy Assassination (3 times, from 3 different viewpoints)
2. Jesus's tomb, all night Saturday, and all morning Sunday.
3. The sacking of Rome.
4. Moses's last argument with Pharoah.
5. Any random dinosaur feast attended by a T. Rex.

Four Gone Conclusion

Wow! The Sox did it. What an amazing display. I didn't think it could happen. I still don't believe it did happen. I only wish it could have happened last year instead of this year. I wish it was the Angels coming back to gut-punch the Yankees like this. Leading in the ninth, one inning away from a sweep and they lose the series. Ha! Owned! Who's whose daddy?

As a Laker fan, I feel their pain. As a Dodgers and Angels fan, I savor their pain. Screw the Yankees. These are the same arseholes who wanted the league to award them a forfeit when their opponent was a little late to the stadium due to a category three hurricane! The team with the highest payroll -- by far -- in baseball. A team that goes over the all-star roster (of position players, at least) and says "Got it. Need it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Need it. Will sign it next year."

Having blown a 3-0 series lead, and roughly $190 million in payroll, it's hard to imagine anyone in the world being more depressed than George Steinbrenner. Awww. But I have a second candidate for the "most depressed bastard on the planet" title: Nomar Garciaparra. From frying pan into fire, curse to worse curse, Nomar, tonight, is a Cub, watching the Red Sox move another step closer to ending one of baseball's two great sorrows. Oh, the irony!

I hate David Ortiz, but I have to respect this guy. What a postseason he's having. And Johnny Damon? That chick is seriously ugly, but she sure can hit the ball, no?

And while Boston fans should enjoy this win -- and clearly, they will -- it isn't quite enough to end the Curse of the Bambino. They still have to win four more games. And until they do, the Curse of the Angels lives on, too. If it holds true, the NL will win the World Series this year in seven games. Then there is the SI cover jinx. There's no way SI is going to resist putting Boston on the next cover. That cover appearance will all but assure a National League victory.

So which NL team will it be? While the ALCS was the story of which team was going to be the ultimate choker, the NLCS is nothing but great baseball. And how sweet it is that both pennants are going to be decided in seven games?

I'm not sure who to pull for tomorrow in St. Louis. On one hand, the Cardinals are, in my opinion, the finest team in baseball. On the other hand, Houston is the hottest team, and it has never won a World Series. Ever. Not since 1918. Never. How do you root against that?

Well, for one thing, as a Dodger fan and an Angel fan, I like the idea of my teams having only lost to the eventual pennant winners. On yet another hand, Roger Clemens v. Boston is a great subplot. So is Texas v. Massachusetts. (May the winner take the White House, too.) So is 86 years v. never.

I guess I just won't care. I'll just watch it and enjoy it.

Win Wins

Baseball:

I was wrong, but it couldn't be any sweeter. The Sox were not swept. They will play a 7th game. This probably sets up the Sox for perhaps the most gut-wrenching loss ever, but if they win, it will still be sweet, because that will mean that the Yankees have choked worse than any team that has ever choked. Since I hate both the 2004 Red Sox and any year's Yankees, I'm going to be thrilled no matter who loses.

If you have $10 to spare, line up now to get your picture taken with that deformed midget that the Red Sox are using as a good luck charm, because if New York wins tomorrow, that little dude is going to disappear into obscurity forever.

Remember this post if the Yankees win tomorrow. The first three teams to beat the Angels in the postseason lost their next series with heartbreaking losses in game seven. Each time, that next series was the World Series, but this time, because there are now two rounds to win the pennant, maybe the Angels curse can strike before the World Series.

Maybe we'll know tomorrow.

Football:

It will be longer than that before we know whether the BCS got it right by picking Miami as the second ranked team in the initial rankings. Everyone in the midwest is livid over this controversial ranking, but they're wrong. The ranking is dead on.

Disregard for a moment the sweet irony of Oklahoma (which had no business in the Sugar Bowl last season) being the team that got screwed, and look only at the facts:

USC is 6-0, with wins over Virginia Tech, Stanford, California and Arizona State. Between those four opponents, there are three ranked teams, and there are only two losses combined among them, excluding the losses they suffered at the hands of USC.

Compare Miami, which is 5-0, and includes two wins over ranked opponents (Florida State and Louisville) who are unbeaten against everyone else.

Contrast Oklahoma, which is 6-0, but which only beat one ranked team (Texas). Wins over Bowling Green, Texas Tech and Oregon are not as impressive, and the wins over Houston (winless against all but Army), and Kansas State (2-4, including a loss to Kansas) are downright worthless.

On the other hand, if the Sooners win out, with victories against Nebraska and at Texas A&M and Oklahoma State, plus the Big 12 North championship game, they might deserve to finish in the top two; but not if Miami continues to roll, with wins at Virginia and NC State, plus a home win over Virginia Tech. And don't forget Auburn, which probably won't go unbeaten, but would deserve a shot at the title if it wins out with games against Florida, Alabama and the SEC East champion.

I seriously doubt it will happen, but wouldn't it be sweet if all four of those teams remained unbeaten?

It won't happen.

My best guess right now? Miami will be tripped up at NC State or Virginia; Oklahoma will fall to Oklahoma State and/or Texas A&M; Auburn will lose to Florida and either Tennessee or Georgia in the SEC title game; and Wisconsin will win out and play in the Orange Bowl against USC. Rose Bowl officials, furious that the Orange Bowl has stolen another classic Rose Bowl matchup, will want to pit California against the winner of this weekend's Michigan-Purdue game, but will be unable to do so because Boise State or (more likely) Utah will qualify for an automatic at-large BCS bid.

Hockey:

...

My Top 10 Favorite TV Shows

1. The Soprano's
2. That 70's Show
3. Joan of Arcadia
4. Scrubs
5. Survivor: Vanuatu
6. World Poker Tour
7. Smallville
8. The Daily Show
9. Grounded for Life
10. Will & Grace

If forced to go to eleven, I could not. In fact, I'm pretty burnt out on Will & Grace and Grounded for Life.

I want to see Lost, but I've already got two programs going on Wednesdays. I might start watching Joey once Survivor ends, maybe sooner, since Vanuatu is the least interesting Survivor ever. I sometimes watch one of the CSI shows, but I don't really follow them much. I'm more likely to watch whatever the History Channel, Discovery, Travel or even the Weather Channel is showing.

My New Blog

I've started a new site called Three Bits o Trivia. I used to love reading Trivia, by L.M. Boyd. Now that Boyd is retired, I'm going to find the trivia myself. Three pieces a day. Let me know if you like it. It's only getting about four hits a day, two of which are usually me.

Meanwhile, lex icon has crossed over another level of readership. It's now consistently getting over 200 hits a day. I still don't get very many comments, though, and I suspect that more than half of the readers are people doing google searches for something other than lex icon.

For example, I'm the fourteenth listing if you google: usc football monkey monkey monkey.

I'm not sure why someone would google usc football monkey monkey monkey, but someone did, and he or she read my site for at least a moment.

The demi-blog on the left has a link to a video of the Jon Stewart appearance on Crossfire. Suddenly, I'm number 12 on the Yahoo search engine for people seeking "stewart crossfire video." When that link rolls out of my demi-blog (which is actually just a little typelist), a bunch of disappointed people are going to show up as hits on my statistics page, even though they have no interest in me or what I have to say.

I'm still near the top of the search engines if you look for ephebophilia. I doubt that people doing a web search for ephebophilia want to read my bits of sarcasm, but here they come.

Someone asked me how I picked the name lex icon. It's a megalomaniacal way of paying homage to my inflated and false sense of self-importance. According to the dictionary, lex, icon, and lexicon have the following meanings:

lex:
1. (Latin) law.

icon:
1. an image, representation, or symbol.
2. a representation of a deity or sacred personage which is itself regarded as sacred.
3. a person or thing that is the object of reverence or high esteem.

lexicon:
1. an inclusive listing such as a dictionary or inventory
2. the set of terms or word meanings used in a particular group or profession; vocabulary.
3. in linguistics, the entire set of morphemes of any given language.

Draw your own conclusions.

Unconscious Mutterings (89)

I'll try this Free Association thing from Lunanina once.

She said...and I thought...

1. Dimension:: Fifth
2. Roger:: Wilco
3. CSI:: Miami
4. Passenger:: Plane
5. Thankful:: Gracious
6. Has-been:: Rodman
7. Bambino:: Curse
8. Wrinkles:: Creams
9. Cable TV:: TiVo
10. Voicemail:: Password

Duffless Dancing Football Thoughts

The family is under the weather a bit, and we had a busy weekend of football, birthday parties and grand openings, so I have been temporarily spared from seeing the new Hilary Duff movie, "Raise Your Voice." The previews boast that this is Duff's best acting performance yet. You have no idea how very ready I am to believe that, but it's not enough praise for me to assume that the movie still won't make me want to regurgitate my popcorn and Diet Coke.

If you do a Google search for "Hilary Duff" film and vomit, you'll find over 6,000 hits, including this review that likens the movie to "Coyote Ugly," "Fame," and vomit mixed in a blender.

My father-in-law is about to turn 60. There was a party for him last night at a BYOB dance club (the kind where everyone knows how to dance for real) where I was way out of my element. I do not express myself with the dance. At one point, they had something called a "gang dance." I ain't havin' no part of anything called a gang dance.

Some old lady came up to me as I was typing this on my Palm Pilot and asked why I wasn't dancing. "You should be dancing, not playing on your computer," she said. I was writing, not playing on my computer, but I answered in spite of my annoyance at the suggestion. "I don't dance." She seemed ready to argue over the point. "Why not?" she asked. "Well, because I don't like dancing," I replied. The club had an $8 cover charge, so I'm sure she found that illogical. "Well, what are you doing here, then," she asked, apparently certain that there was no good answer to her question. "I am just here to sing Happy Birthday to John," I told her. "Oh."

As out of my element as I was, I still enjoyed myself, because I was still buzzing over USC's big win over Arizona State. The victory was the 15th straight for the Trojans and their 18th in a row at the Coliseum. In its last 27 games, USC has won 26 times. It hasn't been this good since I attended USC. Actually, it hasn't been this good since before then.

When I attended USC, Rodney Peete was the quarterback. We expected to go to the Rose Bowl. We expected to compete for the national championship. We expected one of our players to be invited to the Heisman presentation each year. But we didn't expect to win back-to-back titles. It could happen this year.

Just three years ago, I counted the games until USC would be "bowl eligible." For whatever it's worth, USC became bowl eligible yesterday.

In the last week, Arizona State hosted a presidential debate and had one of its professors honored with a Nobel Prize in Economics. This week, Arizona State is USC's bitch. Aren't college athletics great?

Pity UCLA. This week, they had to travel to Cal, where the Bears, still steaming over their loss to USC, vented some frustration on the Bruins. Next week, guess where UCLA goes? That's right. Arizona State, where the Sun Devils will still be burning from yesterday's can of whoop-ass.

The new coaches' poll is out, and Wisconsin has finally cracked the top ten. It well should, since it is one of just five unbeaten BCS teams.

Of the two non-BCS teams still unbeaten, I think Utah is the least likely to lose. Utah plays only Mountain West teams from here on out, and of them, only Wyoming has a winning record. But they do play at Wyoming, where Ole Miss lost earlier this year. Boise State still has to go to Fresno (the Bulldogs are 3-0 against BCS teams and 0-2 against the Mountain West) and Louisiana Tech.

After slowly bleeding first-place votes for weeks, USC is back to 50 of 61 top votes, up from 45 last week. The five new votes all came at Oklahoma's expense. These voters flip-flop like John Kerry, who, incidentally, slipped 8 points behind President Bush in the latest polls. That's even worse than Purdue's latest slip.

Like the presidential election, the football voters really don't know who is best. Looking back at the preseason poll, LSU (3), Ohio State (9), Iowa (12), Kansas State (13) and Clemson (16) were highly regarded. Auburn (18) was ranked below all of them. Now, Auburn is unbeaten and ranked 4th. LSU and Iowa have lost twice, tOSU has lost 3 straight, and K. State and Clemson are both 2-4.

Meanwhile, Texas A&M, Virginia Tech and Notre Dame have all joined the Top 25 for the first time this season. I hope Notre Dame keeps winning, because a win over Notre Dame is much sweeter if they are ranked.

Da Sox Again

As much as I hate the Yankees, I loved the beating they dealt Boston last night. The Yankees scored 19 runs! Heck, there were 11 NFL teams that didn't score that many points last week. When a team is hanging 19 runs on the Red Sox, I can't help but wish that baseball games ran 12 innings or longer, just so I could enjoy the spectacle that much longer. And did you see how long it took to put the 22nd hit on the scoreboard? I think they had to run out to OfficeMax to buy an extra 2 to put on the board.

The best performance Boston had in this series was the rainout. The Sox should forfeit game four to save themselves the humiliation. No big league baseball team has ever overcome a 3-0 deficit in a seven game series. There have been 25 previous attempts. Only 5 of those even made it to a fifth game. Boston is little, if any, better than those 20 teams that were swept.

My office landlord is a huge Red Sox fan. He was even featured in the local OC paper last week in an article about displaced Boston fans in the OC. But, as I told him last week, "Remember 86." This will be Boston's 86th season without a title. And it will be just like 1986, when the Red Sox used a dramatic home run to get past the Anaheim Angels in the first round of the playoffs, then went on to get their hearts broken against a team from New York.

The road to the World Championship is never paved with wins over the Angels. Witnesseth:

1979: Baltimore beats the Angels in the ALCS, but loses to Pittsburgh in game seven of the World Series.
1982: Milwaukee beats the Angels in the ALCS; but loses to St. Louis in game seven of the World Series.
1986: Boston beats the Angels in the ALCS; but loses to New York in game seven of the World Series.
2002: No one beats the Angels, saying, "Screw it. We don't want to lose game seven of the World Series."
2004: Boston beats the Angels in the ALDS; but gets ass handed to them by Yankees in games 1, 2, 3 of ALCS.

By the way, I have a special message for the Boston fan on TV with the "Believe!" sign:
You're an idiot. But not as big an idiot as this Red Sox fan.

I have another special message to the Boston fans who brought their kids to the game and stayed until 12:30 a.m. with Da Sox down 19-8:
Face it. You are bad parents. You should protect your children from such negativity and get them to bed earlier. It's one thing to stick around for the longest nine-inning game in postseason history if your team is about to win a pennant or a World Series. It's quite a different matter to force them to endure an early morning can of whoop-ass. I'm reporting you all to child protective services.

Boston sucks.

USC Game Report: Arizona State

My brother and I went to the USC game today. Because we didn't leave the OC until 11:15 a.m., we were afraid we'd miss kickoff; but we had time to spare. We got to Exposition Park at noon, found a $40 parking lot with open spots, parked, and started searching for scalpers. We weren't sure what to expect, since the game was a sellout -- just the second time ever that USC had sold out the Coliseum in back-to-back games.

The first scalper ripped us off by taking our money and giving us tickets that were not in the section and row he claimed. In my approximately 100 previous transactions with scalpers, I had only been ripped off once before (with counterfeit tickets!), so this was an unpleasant surprise. We grabbed the guy and called some cops over. The scalper was surprised to learn that on-site scalping, even at face value, is a jailable offense. With the assistance of the LAPD, we got our money back without having to breach the peace, and minutes later, we found another scalper with goal line seats for $30 each.

Inside, I had some trouble with my beverage order. I got a beer and a Diet Coke. "Diet?" the lady asked. "Diet." She got my beer and hot dog and then paused again. "Did you say diet?" she repeated. "Diet." Then she grabbed the cup and confirmed a third time: "Diet, right?" "Yeah, still diet." Then the bitch proceeded to pour me a regular Coke, which I didn't notice until I got to my seat.

None of this really bothered me, because I got to see the Trojans lay a serious beating on the 15th ranked Sun Devils.

The weather was overcast most of the game, but it became quite warm during part of the third quarter when the Sun came out for a few minutes. There was no rain, however, until several hours after the game.

Aside from the outstanding game, which featured, among other things, 4 Matt Leinart TD passes, another Leinart TD run, and a TD pass from Reggie Bush to Dwayne Jarrett, the day was memorable for several other reasons.

USC's 50,000,000th fan came through the turnstiles today. Sadly (because prizes were apparently involved), it wasn't me.

Pat Tillman's family was presented with an honorary inaugural Lott Trophy, which will be a new national award presented to the defensive impact player of the year.

At halftime, after the USC Spirit of Troy Marching Band performed with about 20 high school marching bands, USC's surviving 1939 players were given championship rings, in light of USC's recent decision to count the '39 team as one of its champions. Since the average ring recipient is already about 85 years old, I figure those dogs might start popping up on eBay and at estate sales within a few months.

USC's decision to recognize the '39 team as co-champions, with Texas A&M and Cornell University, is based upon the final ranking of one of the most respected of college football's early ranking systems: the Dickinson Poll, created by University of Illinois economics professor Frank Dickinson. It ranked teams from 1926 to 1940. Dickinson ranked the 8-0-2 Trojans number one, following USC's 14-0 win in the 1940 Rose Bowl over previously unscored-upon Tennessee. Aggie fans need not feel threatened. Their unbeaten and untied 1939 team keeps the AP title and six of the other nine polls' titles that year.

Interesting stat of the day: going into today, Arizona State was 1-0 all-time against top ranked teams, having beaten Nebraska 19-0 in 1996.

All that talk of unbeaten Navy ending its 40 game skid against Notre Dame was baseless. Notre Dame whipped 'em. Thus, in spite of USC's big win and UCLA's big loss to Cal, it was not a "perfect day." A "perfect day" is one in which my three favorite teams -- USC, the team playing UCLA and the team playing Notre Dame -- each win their games. There have only been 35 perfect days, and I'm hoping for one or two this year.

Purdue, Virginia, Oklahoma State, Arizona State and Southern Mississippi all lost today, leaving just seven ranked teams unbeaten. I think we are ready for our first BCS ranking. It's due out Monday.

Football Bets 10-16-04

What a great schedule of football this week. Already, we have one game of unbeaten teams under our belt. Several more will follow, including a three games between unbeaten teams among the AP's top 15. Among the ranked 25 teams, only LSU has a bye.

Once again, I won't be in Vegas this weekend. I'll be at the Coliseum. But if I can find a bookie, here's how I'm going to pick 'em, as against the spread, at least.

Arizona State at USC (1) -10 (USC)
Oklahoma (2) at Kansas State +20 (Oklahoma)
Louisville (18) at Miami (3) (Miami won 41-38, but Louisville beat the spread, as I picked.)
Arkansas at Auburn (4) -13 (Auburn)
Wisconsin (10) at Purdue (5) -7.5 (Wisconsin)
Virginia (6) at Florida State (7) -3 (Virginia)
UCLA at California (8) -14.5 (Cal)
Missouri at Texas (9) -13.5 (Texas)
UNC at Utah (11) -20 (UNC)
Vanderbilt at Georgia (12) -22.5 (Georgia)
Tennessee (13) at Mississippi +9.5 (Tennessee)
Michigan (14) at Illinois +19 (Illinois)
Texas A&M (23) at Oklahoma State (16) -9.5 (A&M)
West Virginia (17) at Connecticut (WV won, 31-19. I was too late to call this one.)
Minnesota (19) at Michigan State +7 (Minnesota)
Boise State (21) at Tulsa +21 (Boise)
Middle Tennessee State at Florida (22) -28.5 (Florida)
Southern Miss (24) at Alabama -7.5 (So. Miss)
Ohio State (25) at Iowa -2.5 (Ohio State)

It's a tough week to call.

Ten Things I've Eaten

I saw this interesting website about strange foods from around the world. It made me feel very plain. I am not a vegan. I have eaten lots and lots of animals. But nothing really, really weird.

I've eaten dozens of different beasts with gills -- everything from orange roughy, cod, snapper, mackerel, yellowtail, swordfish, yellowfin, dolphin, mako shark, halibut, salmon, trout, catfish, bass, squid, octopus, clam, mussel, conch, urchin, lobster, shrimp, crab. That's....that's about it.

The list of land species is not very long: cow, pig, chicken, turkey, lamb, goose, duck, plus the following ten interesting and unusual meals:

1. Sea Turtle;
2. Alligator;
3. Ostrich;
4. Rhea;
5. Snails;
6. Emu;
7. Buffalo;
8. Deer;
9. Goat; and
10. Some disgusting crap that looked like the eels that crawled into people's ears in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

I've never eaten rattlesnake, bear, tiger, elephant, squirrel, antelope, kangaroo, camel or rabbit, but I would. I've never eaten horse, dog, cat, mule, mouse or possum, and I never will unless I am starving in the middle of nuclear winter.

Recent News Photographs

Here are some of my favorite photos on line. The links aren't meant to last. If you come here in December and find a dead link, don't waste your time telling me about it.

World Team Tennis Smash Hits came to my hometown of Irvine this week, giving an impressionable young ball boy the chance to stare at Anna Kournikova's assets.

I still keep seeing this sad looking little girl whose Republican parents made her hair into a big W.

I feel bad for her, but not as bad as I feel for this little child whose body mass looks to be about that of some of the rats my dog catches.

Check out these ugly ass monkey babies. Or apes babies. Whatever.

These monkeys might get killed because their zookeepers want more snow-resistant monkeys for their display.

This duck looks pretty in the shimmering golden sunlight.

Which famous acid addict do you think owns this dog?

And if you can't get out enough to feel the sun on your face and the grass beneath your feet, you can always just wear shoes made of grass.

Baby lions are really enjoying the new game they've been taught. It's simply called "Roy."

A frightened Iraqi soldier turns into an apparent woman in front of a bunch of police dogs. (What out! Those dogs'll eat your penis).

They should have turned him into a woman like this. Bring me eight large lagers and a smile, and there's a big tip in it for you. Maybe more.

But it won't be this big, tall, stinky flower.

This is a great picture of Hurricane Ivan. I don't remember which one this was.

This is a nice shot of Mt. St. Helens.

Check out the marks we've made on Mars.

This sculpture kinda freaks me out.

Finally, this picture was great, but without the caption, it is nothing. The caption reads: Virginia's Marquis Weeks finishes off his 100-yard kickoff return for the touchdown. "That was just instinct. Kind of like running from the cops."

Four Sports Thoughts

When healthy, I can count out loud past 100 on a single exhaled breath. On Monday, I could only count to 44. Tonight, I was back up to 82. Man, with the right meds, in heavy dosage, you can beat back the flu in three days. I'm ready for some hockey. Hockey season starts today, according to my calendar.

My calendar errs. There is no hockey this year. Okay, I’m ready for some football.

Can you believe that there was college football that mattered on TV tonight? It's too late for me to post Top 25 picks for the week. I'll just take a crack at the Saturday games. I'm not sure what do to with Louisville-Miami anyway. I'm taking the Cardinals and the points, but I suspect it was the heart, not the head, that made that call.

Football announcers Ron Franklin and Keith Jackson sure do sound a lot alike, don't they?

Some long streaks came to an end last Saturday. For one thing, it was the first time since 1980 that any team held Texas scoreless. Their consecutive scoring streak was at 281 games, the longest in the NCAA since BYU's 361 game streak ended against Utah last year. The longest current streak belongs to Washington, which has scored in 270 straight games. Washington is at USC in less than two weeks. I can't wait.

The longest losing streak -- 19 -- did belong to Army, but Army won on Saturday. That dropped the loser's title to Louisiana Monroe and East Carolina, who both had 9 game streaks working. A few hours later, Louisiana Monroe and East Carolina had won, too. Now, the loser's crown belongs to Central Florida, which now also has a 9 game streak and suffers the indignity of being the only Division I team without a win this season.

The Lakers started their preseason with a loss to Seattle. Kobe scored a bundle. This could indicate a trend that will end with the Lakers out of the playoffs, and Kobe winning a scoring title. That would suck. I'll just keep reminding myself that the real season hasn't started yet.

Baseball season is over for me now, yet I follow.

Though my teams exited the playoffs quickly, I still see their seasons as successes that they can build upon. The Angels made the playoffs for the second time in three years. That's not a dynasty, but it's a good trend. The owner is willing to spend to get talent, and the farm teams have some talent on hold, too. Dallas McPherson may leave the team able to improve its lineup even if Troy Glaus leaves as a free agent. And the price of beer went down, too.

The Angels' swift fizzle changed my life. I'm not going to do season seats next year. I ate a lot of seats this season. Every time I blew $15 by skipping a game, I consoled myself with the thought that I would get guaranteed playoff tickets. Well, the tickets came. The first game was Tuesday at 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, while I was at the Fourth District Court of Appeal. The second game was at 7:00 p.m., while I was zipping down the grapevine on my way north to Los Banos, Hollister and ultimately, Monterey. My next tickets were for game five. But there was no game five. And there will be no ALCS. And there will be no World Series. My playoff tickets were worthless to me.

Next year, I will pick and choose the games I really want to see and just buy them on eBay.

The punking of San Francisco was pretty cool, but it would have meant nothing if the Dodgers had been swept out of the playoffs yet again. Well, it turned out to be just one, but the Dodgers finally won a postseason game for the first time since before my children were born. I hadn't enjoyed watching the Dodgers so much since I was a first year law student cutting class to run alongside the Dodger parade with a sign that said "We Kicked Their A's!"

Classy, huh?

This year’s Dodgers were classy in defeat, however. After game four of the division series, with the Cardinals on the field celebrating, the Dodgers jogged back onto the field to shake hands for what may have been the first time in baseball history. I suspect Gagne -- the hockey player who happens to also throw BBs for up to one inning -- started the idea. Hockey teams do it after every playoff series. It is very classy.

I like class. It's my new thing.

The Dodgers then congratulated their fans, clapping at them, waving to them, and sending wristbands, batting gloves, caps and goggles into the stands. "We just lost to the best team in baseball," Gagne said, shaking his head. "And now they're going to win the World Series."

I think he’s right. I hope he's right.

Because it mustn't be the Yankees. The only thing worse than the Yankees winning it all would be the Red Sox winning it all. I do not want the Red Sox to win it. I like the curse. I embrace 1918. I pity Bill Buckner, but Dave Henderson can kiss my ass. David Ortiz can, too. As much as I hate the Yankees, I am chanting Whooo's Your Daaaadddy? along with the New York crowd in my television set. Good grief, has any player in the history of heckling ever delivered a better taunt to the other team's fans?

Red Sox fans, know this: the road to baseball nirvana does not pass through Anaheim. You beat the Angels, you will suffer in future rounds.

You've had a slight taste of it this week when your daddy toyed with you, then let you come close to winning, only to slap you down on your last wobbly swing of the bat. You've had it shoved down your groin in the past.

The only thing uncertain about your failure this year is how painful it will be.

Don't get your hopes up.

Ten More Things to Learn OnLine (1)

It's been a busy day. It was my first day back at the office since Wednesday. It was my Dad's birthday. I had a depo and I'm just a week away from my next trial. I was too busy to learn anything new today.

If you don't learn something new every day, it's like you die a little. I don't want that. So I went out and learned ten things on line.

1. Everyone knows that USC has been to the Rose Bowl many times. But few people know that Tulane and Navy have been there, too. And Pac-10 doormat Arizona never has. For a complete list, check this link out.

2. Scientists trying to determine the origin of man sometimes turn to the study of human head lice for answers. Not definitive answers, but answers nonetheless.

3. The Gators are the best team to play for if you want to be a great wide receiver. Tennessee and USC are not bad, either.

4. Energy is like the "money" of nature; it comes in two different currencies, and with an enormous exchange rate - the square of the speed of light. But wait, there's more.

5. If you are that one guy from gym class who needs to shave his butt, but you don't know how, you just scored the jackpot of butt-shaving information.

6. The F Word is not necessarily bad to say at work. Unless your idea of the F Word is "freakin", because you are a good Christian and you think God is fooled by your little play on words. In that case, your F word will thoroughly annoy everyone around you.

7. There are two popular alternatives to avoiding spyware. Both are discussed here.

8. There is yet another contraceptive choice for women who want a one-percent chance to be shocked and devastated to learn that they are pregnant.

9. Some people love their rats so much, that when the doctor says so, they will perform an enema on said rat to ease its discomfort. Oh, and their buddy will take pictures.

10. If you worry about what to expect in a bioterrorist strike with, says, ricin, the California Department of Health Services has a page to educate you. Now, isn't your mind more at ease?

I know mine is. But that's mostly just the wine and the flu medicine kicking in.

Daytime Television as a Stimulant Thoughts

My head is still too messed up to work right, so I stayed home from work today. It's a bit of good fortune, if you can call it that, to be sick on Columbus Day, because the courts are closed on Columbus Day. The last time I stayed home from work sick, I was so heavily medicated that I have no recollection of those two days. So I forgot how bad daytime television can be. This time, I am coherent. I get it.

The good thing about bad TV is that you end up turning it off, and then you can think about other things, like sports, and politics, and religion and all that good stuff that you can blog about, but can't discuss in polite social conversation.

The news today depressed me. Ken Caminiti died today at 41. Christopher Reeve died today at 52. Each died of a heart attack. Both deaths were simultaneously shocking and expected. Both were too young to die of natural causes. But Caminiti had taken steroids and used cocaine, and Reeve had a slew of health problems arising from his spinal cord injury. Supposedly, these things come in threes, like plane crashes. If that's true, Robert Downey, Jr. should head straight to the hospital, just in case.

I recently watched the Basketball Diaries on cable. It was not at all what I expected. I feel violated. I hate movies that have that Less Than Zero effect.

Plenty of songs and poems refer to having broken wings and learning to fly again. Very few refer to having broken legs and learning to walk again. Yet, the latter would seem more relevant, don't you think?

All across the country, Kerry and Bush yard signs are being stolen or defaced. And police are busy investigating the crimes. Is there anything less important?

What exactly is the point of putting up a Bush sign or a Kerry sign in one's yard? Does anyone ever vote for president based upon what signs are in the neighborhood? Ever? I mean, I can understand signs for mayors and city council and school board spots. Name recognition can matter there. But I can imagine someone (not me, albeit) casting a vote for city council based upon who has the most signs all over town. But for president?

In my community, a sign on the lawn means just one thing: You don't want to talk to the owners of this house, because they will want to talk politics.

Say, here's something that didn't happen very often when women and gays were excluded from the military: two active-duty members of the 232nd Medical Battalion (a man and woman) stationed at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio have been charged public lewdness after some tourists at the Alamo saw them having sex in a public viewing area. Co-ed fighting troops. What could possibly go wrong?

In a completely unrelated thought, it occurs to me that if I was reincarnated as a vegetable, I would not want to be a carrot. Some people do terrible things to carrots.

Congratulations to Don Nunn, who will turn 12,000 days old tomorrow.

Most Democrats tend to think that thinking people vote Democrat. If so, you'd think that they were smart enough to write their own letters to the editor. Party leaders aren't counting on it. So they have set up a website where you can just plug in your zip code and they will write a letter to the editor for you.

Miracles aren't what they used to be. After Mass yesterday at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church in East Boston, the church's statue of the Virgin Mary, which stood in front of the altar, tipped over suddenly and fell to the floor after Mass. Parishioners, noting that this was the final Mass ever at the church, which is being sold off to pay child molestation liability expenses, see the incident as a sign from God.

Sorry, folks. Don't flatter yourselves. If God was paying attention to the Boston Diocese, the miracle would have been a series of lightning strikes upon numerous priests and bishops.

My cough medicine has this warning label: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." A major brand of children's cough medicine has the same warning. I'll pass it on to my six-year-old.

We'll both avoid driving today.

Rant Against (Democrat) Bullshit No. 2

I was reading this weekend about one of Senator Kerry's strangest campaign promises. Kerry says that, as President, he would add 40,000 active-duty troops. Now, the cynic in me starts by wondering why he would do such a thing, since he doesn't seem to want us to actually use troops for what troops are meant to do. If he wants to call troops home, why would he need an extra 40,000 of them? A return trip to Somalia? I hope not.

But more importantly, the Senator's comment betrays either that he has no respect for the intelligence of the American people, or he has no working understanding of the United States government. Or both.

Let me explain. The President has no right to authorize permanent changes to the size and structure of the armed forces. The separation of powers of the American government bestows that right exclusively upon the Congress. Congress, as anyone who has taken a basic course in civics knows, is made up of two components: the House of Representatives and the Senate. A permanent increase in troop numbers must begin as a bill in one of those assemblies. The President cannot do a thing, other than (1) ask a member of Congress to initiate such a bill; (2) sign the bill, once it is passed by both houses; or (3) veto the bill.

So, if Senator Kerry thinks that increasing the number of troops by 40,000 is such a great idea, why would he wait until he is President -- and powerless to make it happen -- to call for such a plan? If it is the right thing to do, what he should do is introduce a bill immediately, in his capacity as a member of the Senate, to increase the number of active troops.

Of course, he's too busy talking to actually do anything. In fact, he's been too busy the last few years to cast a vote in even half of the Senate's business, missing about three out of every five votes -- in some instances, even where he would have cast the deciding vote!

I'm quite sure that Kerry will not keep this promise if he is elected. I hope the same is true of most of his campaign promises.

In Sickness and in Health Thoughts

I'm paying the price for a nice weekend in Monterey. My wife and I got to sneak off a few times to enjoy our anniversary weekend, but it came at a price. In my case, the price is a normal body temperature, a clear nose and lungs, and cool throat and a pain-free brain. I haven't been hit with the flu in a long time, but the roof of my mouth started tingling on Saturday night and now I feel like I want to just cut my head off and replace it with a healthier model. For the next day or two, the wife is going to have to put up with the "in sickness" part of the bargain. I hope she never has to put up with any worse.

You know, sickness comes in many forms. There are some forms of sickness I would not expect any wife to tolerate. For example, Cole Ford, from what I can tell, must be quite sick. Perhaps you've heard this joke:

Q. What do Siegfried Fischbacher and Montecore the tiger have in common?
A. They both know what a mouthful of Roy tastes like.

Now, generally, people who hear this joke have one of three reactions. Either: (1) they think it is funny; (2) they think it's so offensive that it isn't funny; or (3) they don't get it.

Cole Ford has caused me to ponder a fourth reaction: it reminds them that Siegfried and Roy are going to hell, and we, the normal people of the world, must send them there as soon as possible. Or, at least, send them out of the country.

There is a felony warrant out for Ford -- the former USC and Oakland Raider placekicker -- because his van was used in a drive-by shooting at the compound owned by illusionists Siegfried & Roy. No one was hurt in the September 21 shooting, but shotgun pellets shattered windows and left a hole in a wall. A witness told police the gunman shouted that the entertainers should get out of the country. Later, police said they attack was not bias-related. I have trouble believing that.

Once a well-paid NFL athlete, Ford is now a day laborer who moves from motel to motel. He doesn't want me on his jury. I always start with the assumption that the motel dweller did it. For now, though, Ford is a fugitive from the law, considered armed and dangerous. For the first time since the OJ trial, I feel the urge to suppress my normal cry of "Fight On!"

It doesn't matter, I can barely talk with this throat anyway.

[THIS NEXT PART OF THE POST HAS BEEN REDACTED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT FAMILY OF THE OFFENDER:

Another sick guy: "J." Until last week, J was on top of the world. At 32, he was a senior associate with a large prestigious law firm, and a sought-after speaker and representative on issues involving equity incentive plans, executive employment agreements and the tax, accounting and securities law issues surrounding such things. It sounds boring, but it pays well, because it is hard to learn, harder to master, and dreadfully dull to focus upon.

J is off his perch, however. He has been accused of paying $140 to $200 to have sex repeatedly with a 16-year-old girl. He got busted when he tried to add her 17-year-old friend to do a threesome. The 17-year-old declined, but let a police detective assume her identity. The detective played along with some IMs, and, after some penile picture swapping, a meeting was arranged. The rest is history. As is J's career. After his little adventure, J is persona non grata at the firm, and unless he is acquitted, he'll lose his law license.

J, by the way, is a graduate of Boalt Hall, the UC Berkeley law school. His arrest takes a bit of steam out of the running joke among Berkeley grads about the declining value of a Stanford law degree. That joke was pretty funny in light of the arrest of Cristina Schultz aka "Brazil", who was paying off her Stanford loans by doing some high priced call girl work. Allegedly.

If J had invested a bit more and hit Schultz instead, he probably could have kept his career. But, for some reason, some people just have to go after the kids, even if it means risking everything they have.

END OF REDACTED PORTION.]

In Tacoma, a jury has convicted Orting Municipal Court Judge Jeffrey Day of first-degree child molestation for fondling an 11-year-old boy who was a former client. That is wrong on so many levels I don't know where to begin to comment. I'll just say this: he'll soon know what it feels like to be the 11-year-old boy.

Hopefully, Judge Ronald Kline will be joining him as a long term inmate, now that the Ninth Circuit has reinstated charges against him stemming from the discovery of massive quantities of child porn on his computers. Though I have had literally hundreds of cases in Orange County Superior Court, I never had a case in front of Kline. Lucky me.

There are some pretty sick people out there. Luckily, I've only crossed paths with the ones who had the flu.

Rant Against (Democrat) Bullshit No. 1

Scare tactics often work in politics, but usually not against incumbents. That fact is not preventing the Democrats from trying two absurd and completely bullshit scare tactics as they become more desperate in their effort to unseat George Bush.

Bullshit Lie No. 1: If George Bush is reelected, thirty states are going to make abortion illegal within the year. False. Roe v. Wade isn't going anywhere. Although replacing one of the two very liberal judges with more conservative judges might erode certain "rights", such as the right to deliver a baby until its head is outside the mother's body, then stab it in the brain and pull out the rest of its lifeless, but previously viable, body, no majority vote of the Supreme Court is going to mess with the underlying right of privacy that lets a woman exercise exclusive control over the fate of her unborn baby throughout most of her pregnancy.

Bullshit Lie No. 2: If George Bush is reelected, he is going to carry out his currently secret plan to reinstate the draft. False. Rock the Vote is completely full of crap -- the reinstatement of the draft is not going to be decided by this election. There are almost no politicians in America who would dare support a revival of the draft. Bush would not. Kerry would not. But the one member of Congress who does want the draft back -- representative Charles Rangel of New York -- is a Democrat.

Seriously, if Bush was going to end abortion rights and replace them with the right to be drafted and sent to war to die, what makes people think that a second-term Bush administration would be able to do what a first-term Bush administration was unable or unwilling to do?

Football Results 10-9-04

What a football game at the Coliseum! I wanted to be there, but my bar convention in Monterey forced me to watch the game at a sports bar that was infested with Cal fans. They were quite confident going into that last set of downs, with Cal getting that late first-and-goal, trailing by just six points. Aaron Rodgers was 29 for 31 passing. A sack and three incomplete passes later, Rodgers walked off the field having beaten only the 7.5 point spread.

I can imagine all the USC wager-holders in Vegas cursing as the Trojans took a couple of knees with 1:21 to play, rather than making a play into field goal range for a spread-beating kick.

Somewhat like last season, it came down to kicking. Cal's kicker, Tom Schneider, missed a 36-yard field goal wide attempt with 6:53 left that would have pulled Cal within three. Had he made it (I was screaming "Slice it! Slice it!"), Cal could have kicked on fourth-and-goal from the 14, and taken its chances in overtime. Instead, they had to aim for the end zone, and they didn't get there. Nobody gets there. USC has not allowed a fourth quarter touchdown this season.

Cal fans, knowing USC is not going to lose two Pac-10 games, will probably now root for USC to win out and go to the Orange Bowl.

My picks did poorly this week. Against the spread, I was 5-8. In my five favorite games, I went 2-3.

I like my LSU and Tennessee picks. Traditionally, in college football, you do well picking teams that suffered gut-wrenching or embarrassing defeats the previous week. That made LSU and Tennessee look quite attractive. The team coming off the big win is much less dangerous. That meant Georgia was not so strong a pick. Next week, pity UCLA (visiting Cal) and Vanderbilt (hosting Georgia).

I don't feel particularly foolish about missing the NC State or Maryland upsets. I was surprised that Texas didn't come closer than 12-0. I was not shocked that Cal came close to beating USC. I will be shocked if Arizona State does as well next week in the Coliseum.

Florida State is overrated. So was Texas. So was Georgia. And tOSU.

Oklahoma and Auburn might not be.

Can someone explain how Notre Dame beat Michigan and Washington but not Purdue or BYU?

Well, part of the explanation is that Washington is horrible. But at least it's no longer winless. Before beating powerhouse San Jose State, Washington was off to an 0-4 start. That last happened in 1969. Count on the Huskies enjoying their first losing season since 1976.

For the first time since December 1967, no team from the Big 12 North is ranked in the AP top 25. Not Nebraska, not Colorado, not Kansas State.

Last year, Nebraska fans and administrators felt that a 9-3 season and a trip to the Alamo Bowl under Frank Solich was a disaster worth firing the coach over, and not letting him coach the bowl game. This year, they must be plotting Bill Callahan's death. Having already lost a home game to Southern Miss, the Cornhuskers just got handed their worst can of whoop-ass ever, a 70-10 drubbing by Texas Tech. Count on the Huskers winning no more than three of their remaining games. If they lose to Baylor, even Penn State will be laughing at them.

But the coolest score of the day: Army finally won a game! Way to go, Black Knights.

Da Sox

Red Sox fans who are busy celebrating that exciting extra inning win over Anaheim in the first round of the playoffs should instead be focusing on an eerie sense of deja vu. A series winning home run against an Angels reliever by a batter named David? Does that remind anyone of 1986? I can already hear Vin Scully making the call. Enjoy the moment, then get ready for another bitter disappointment, Red Sox fan.

Road Trip

I have a convention this week, which takes me to Monterey so I can continue with my ongoing legal education. So far, I've learned the following:

1. Tailgating a big rig is about the dumbest thing you can do in a small car with a soft hood.

2. The average consumer of gasoline is stupid. At one stop, there were two gas stations. One offered unleaded gas, 87 octane, for $2.37 per gallon. The other one, right across the street, was pricing the same fuel for $2.60 per gallon. Both had roughly the same number of customers. Both were nationally known chains. Unless the $2.60 a gallon price included a woman who would love you long time, there was no reason in the world to spend the extra four bucks to fill up. Yet, half of the motorists paid the extra money.

3. My kids want to know the name for those little red lights at the top of radio towers, and all I know to call them is "the little red light."

4. A trip to Monterey is a great anniversary present, but less so if you disappear for six hours a day to go to a convention.

5. There are remarkably few attorneys who see the irony in leaving a mandatory legal ethics class early.

If I learn anything else, I'll pass it on.

Football Bets 10-9-04

This week, there are 13 games involving the Top 25, six of which match ranked teams. I won't make it to Vegas this week, either, but here's how I'd pick 'em.

Clemson at Virginia (9) [-14] Take Virginia, give the points
Minnesota (13) at Michigan (14) [-6.5] Take Minnesota and the points
Texas (5) at Oklahoma (2) [-7] Take Texas and the points
Oklahoma State (21) at Colorado [+7] Take OSU, give the points
Tennessee (17) at Georgia (3) [-10.5] Take Tennessee and the points
California (7) at Southern California (1) [-7.5] Take USC, give the points
Georgia Tech at Maryland (23) [-11.5] Take Maryland, give the points
Wisconsin (16) at Ohio State (15) [-5.5] Take tOSU, give the points
Louisiana Tech at Auburn (6) [-24.5] Take Tech and the points
Purdue (10) at Penn State [+8.5] Take Purdue, give the points
North Carolina State (25) at North Carolina [+11] Take NCState, give the points
Florida State (8) at Syracuse [+19] Take FSU, give the points
Louisiana State (24) at Florida (12) [-2.5] Take LSU and the points

My five favorite picks: Ohio State, Purdue, Oklahoma State, Virginia, Southern Cal.

Of the dogs I picked, I actually like LSU, Minnesota and Texas straight up.
Penn State is already stuck chasing moral victories.
I think Georgia Tech and Clemson are pathetic.
I think Texas and USC will be motivated by memories of 2003.
I think Tennessee will make a stronger showing after last week's embarrassment.
The same goes for LSU.

High School Football

High school football rankings are so random and uninformed. How else do you explain the 25th ranked team in the country dropping out of the poll after losing 50-7 to an unranked team?

And how is Long Beach Poly still ranked 16th after losing 41-14? Granted, it lost to the #3 team, but 41-14? There aren't 24 other teams that could put up a better fight against Mission Viejo? Two weeks ago, Poly beat St. Paul by just a touchdown. St. Paul is a pretty good team, but they aren't among the ten best in California. In fact, CaliforniaPreps rates them 43rd in Southern California. And a touchdown better than St. Paul rates you 16th in the country?

And people think the NCAA polls are bad...

A Common Rose

Having a common name is sometimes a pain in the ass.

For example, whenever I fly, I have to check in early and skip all the self-serve kiosks and head straight for the long line. I'm not getting on the plane until someone checks my birth date to make sure that I am not my namesake who is on the Do-Not-Fly list. I hate it.

Sometimes, having a common name is startling.

Last week, I took the train to San Diego for court. I sat down across the aisle from another attorney, also going to court in San Diego. He talked on his cell phone, quite loudly. During one of his calls, he struck voicemail. He loudly left his name and cell phone number on the machine. The name he left was mine. For a brief moment, I feared that he was going to lean over toward me with a hypodermic needle and assume my identity. Luckily, it was just that his name was the same as my name. I always wondered who that guy was. I sometimes get his phone calls. Now I know.

Sometimes, having a common name is amusing.

When I was in college, I once signed up for a class on the first day of school. The procedure for "add-ons" was to come up to the professor at the end of the class and, if there were empty seats, he or she signed your add card and you got the class. So after a World Political Systems course ended its first day, I walked up to the teacher to get my card signed. There was only one other student looking to add the course. He gave her his name. My name. As he turned to leave, I suggested that he stick around a second. I then told the professor my name. "Oh my!" she said. "I guess we'll have to go to middle initials." Okay, we said, and in perfect unison, we both said "J." We ended up having to put our full legal names on every paper that year.

If I go "ego surfing" on Google, I get 36,000 hits, very few of which are me. People with my name include a best selling author, a famous music critic, a famous soccer player, and a CEO of a fairly well-known company. Among the not-so-famous, just in California, are several lawyers, and about a million realtors, cops, professors and ordinary working Joes.

If any of my old girlfriends ever try to look me up without knowing where to look in the first place, they are going to have to talk, on average, to about 1,000 guys that sound like me, but aren't me, before they find me.

Not that I expect any of my old girlfriends to come looking for me....

Kerry Shades

Here is a great photograph of a John Kerry supporter wearing the standard sunglasses of a John Kerry supporter.

Maybe if I start wearing blinders, I'll start liking Kerry more.

Kerryball

Here is a great photograph of John Kerry demonstrating his own unorthodox way of catching a football.

Kerry, of course, has a long history of mangling simple tosses of the football.

Example No. 1
Example No. 2
Example No. 3

Alien Scanner

This picture below shows a price tag scanner used at Epcot. But the more I look at it, the more I see the mounted head of an alien with some sort of lifeline plugged into the back of its skull.

On the other hand, maybe I should stop eating those mushrooms that grow naturally in the hills behind my house.

A Great Baseball Weekend

SoCal punked NoCal in Major League Baseball yesterday.

In Oakland, the Angels scored three times in the eighth inning to beat Oakland 5-4, clinching the American League West Division. Less than a half hour later, the Dodgers joined them from the National League West. And for the first time in the 44 years that the Dodgers and Angels have shared the LA-OC metro area, both teams will be headed into the postseason in the same year.

The Dodgers, amazingly, won in an even more dramatic fashion. The Giants were up three-nil with one out in the bottom of the ninth, when the Dodgers rallied to score the most runs a team can score in that situation. After tying the game at 3-3, the Dodgers scored 4 more on a walk-off grand slam by Steve Finley to win 7-3.

Less than a week ago, when the Dodgers scored five times in the ninth to beat Colorado 5-4, Dodgers manager Jim Tracy said "It's the most unbelievable comeback I've ever been a part of in the close to 30 years that I've been in the game." If he had said, "But I expect an even more amazing comeback later this week," he'd have been right, but they would have sent the white coats out to get him. Because this was just not possible.

But for now, an LA-Anaheim World Series is a possibility. How sweet it is!

A Great Football Weekend

Well, I didn't make it to Vegas. My daughters were walking in the Tustin Tiller Days parade, and we stayed for the carnival afterwards. Also, my little one's godmother is moving to New Mexico and is having a going away party, so I'm stuck in the OC for the weekend. I still followed my football picks, though. So, how did I do?

Utah: picked winner, beat spread
Oklahoma: picked winner, beat spread
Florida St: picked winner, beat spread
West Virginia: picked winner, lost the spread
Florida: picked winner, beat spread
Oklahoma St: picked winner, lost the spread
Wisconsin: picked winner, beat spread
California: picked loser, lost the spread
Purdue: picked loser, lost the spread (cool!)
Michigan: picked winner, beat spread
Louisville: picked winner, lost the spread
Miami: picked winner, beat spread
Georgia/LSU: picked winner, beat spread
Fresno St: picked loser, lost the spread
Texas: picked winner, lost the spread
Boise St: picked winner, lost the spread
Minnesota: picked winner, beat spread
Arizona St: picked loser, lost the spread
Auburn/Tennessee: picked winner, beat spread
Ohio St: picked loser, beat the spread

In 20 games, I correctly called 15 winners (not that amazing), and beat the spread 11 times. Had I gone to Vegas, I'd have won $231, after wagering $220, for a net of $11. If I had bet $22 a game (to win $20) on my five favorite game, which I often do, my winnings would have jumped from $11 to $16. Pretty good, though not good enough to host my own cable TV show.

It was an interesting day.

The Frauds of the Day:

Although I think Oregon State had already accomplished it, Georgia exposed LSU as a fraud. Auburn did the same to Tennessee, a 24 point loser at home.

Still Not Frauds:

Kyle Orton made a strong play for the Heisman, which is often won by players who make a strong showing against Notre Dame. (See e.g., Carson Palmer, 2002)

Cal flexed its muscles against poor Oregon State, a 1-4 team that has lost to four ranked teams. That makes the USC-Cal matchup next week look really interesting.

There Was Plenty o Futility:

Army had a 17 point lead on TCU before collapsing to its 19th straight loss. Kansas lost to Nebraska for the 36th straight time in that series. Nebraska fans can't be too excited, though, after winning by just 8 points at home. Still, it was betting than losing at home to Southern Miss.

Rice scored 63 points on San Jose State and still lost, 70-63. The teams broke all sorts of offensive records in this one.

And What Makes College Football Great (Unless USC Loses) Is The Upset:

In what some people thought was the upset of the day, Virginia Tech knocked off West Virginia, which had a decent shot at an unbeaten season and a trip to the Orange Bowl. USC's 24-13 win over Va. Tech is looking a bit better this week.

In what I thought was the biggest upset of the day, Louisiana Tech knocked off Fresno State, ruining the upcoming Boise State matchup, but offering this tantalizing headline to sports editors: Bulldogs Defeat Bulldogs in Stunning Upset. For the next few hours, Fresno State will be ranked 17th in the country, but they are in a four-way tie for last place in the WAC.

In what turned out to be the biggest upset of the day, Northwestern beat Ohio State in overtime. In one of the worst examples of announcer's jinx, Mike Nugent missed a 40-yard field-goal attempt in overtime right after the announcers had spent a few minutes debating whether Nugent, being a kicker, had a chance to win the Heisman. By the way, I picked Northwestern plus the points in that one. I should have bet the car on it.

Barbershop Talk

When I was a kid, my dad used to take me down to the barbershop for haircuts. It was great, because it was a place where men talked about stuff men talk about. Since I was so little, the talk of women was usually subdued in my presence, so I grew accustomed to hearing about sports while getting my hair cut. Now, I usually get my hair cut at one of those chains. It's usually a woman. It's never a straight man. Sports talk is nowhere to be heard. But if I had gone to the old barbershop this morning, this is what I would have been talking about:

My favorite moment from the lousy lawyer movie "My Cousin Vinnie" was when Vinnie talked about the conduct of the two youths, and his heavy accent left the judge asking "What is a Ute?" I used to wonder, too. But now I know that a Ute is a pretty decent football player.

There may be places where they love their high school football more, but there is nowhere in the country where they play better football than California. Concorde De la Salle dominated high school football for 10 years. Before that, schools like Loyola, St. Paul, Banning, Edison, Los Alamitos, Long Beach Poly and Mater Dei all had teams that were among the best in the country.

This week, Mission Viejo, ranked #3 in the country, played Long Beach Poly, #5 in the nation. Mission Viejo stomped 'em. By the way, can you guess where the Diablos' quarterback is going to college?

He might never have Dwayne Jarrett as a target, though.

Some other records are more revered by fans, but few major sporting records have lasted as long as George Sisler's single season record of 257 hits. Ichiro broke it last night with two ground ball singles, then extended with another ground ball single.

The Angels brought their A game to Oakland. The A's brought their D game. It was such a pounding that the Angels let Andres Galarraga bat, and Oakland was so weak, that they let him hit his 399th career home run. I'm rooting for another blowout so the Big Cat can hit number 400 without having to drag his fossilized bones out for another season.

The Giants, like the A's, need to sweep the rest of the weekend or they are done.

Right after the Dodgers-Giants game last night, Fox aired a program about Kirk Gibson's home run in the 1988 World Series. I remember that like it was yesterday. It was my favorite sports day ever. The day began at the Coliseum, where I watched my unbeaten Trojans defeat the unbeaten Washington Huskies 28-27 with a failed 2-point conversion at the end of the game, and the day ended at Dodger Stadium, where, for $40 (paid to a scalper during the second inning) my brother and I watched from the cheap seats the most dramatic moment in major league sports history. It was perfect. The underdog against the heavy favorite. The MVP against the Cy Young runner-up and the best reliever in baseball. It was the bottom of the ninth, two outs, full count, down by a run with a runner in scoring position. Gibson was badly injured, so you had the added Willis Reed type drama. And it was a walk-off home run. Damn, that was sweet. We cheered for a solid half hour. Everyone was jumping around and screaming, and hugging and high-fiving everybody. Some nutty dude in a caveman costume was running across the top of the stadium cursing at the people in the parking lot and on the road out of the stadium (totally unnecessary, as I am sure they were cursing themselves) and beautiful girls were kissing strangers, including me. I've watched some great stuff since then, both on TV and in person, but nothing has quite matched the Gibson home run.

Football Bets

There are plenty of Top 25 teams playing this week. USC is idle. So I'm going to have to find something to root for. I've underlined the teams I think will win. But the real fun is guessing who will beat the spread. Here's where I'm putting my $11 per game, if I make it to Vegas:

Friday:

(14) Utah at New Mexico (+10) [Take Utah, give the points]

Saturday:

Texas Tech at (2) Oklahoma (-26.5) [Take Tech plus the points]

North Carolina at (9) Florida St. (-28.5) [Take UNC plus the points]

(6) West Virginia at Virginia Tech (-3) [Take WV and the points]

Arkansas at (16) Florida (-7.5) [Take Florida, give the points]

Iowa St. at (25) Oklahoma St. (-17) [Take Iowa St and the points]

Illinois at (20) Wisconsin (-14.5) [Take Wisconsin, give the points]

(10) California at Oregon St. (+7) [Take OSU and the points]

(15) Purdue at Notre Dame (+2.5) [Take ND and the points]

(19) Michigan at Indiana (+18.5) [Take Michigan, give the points]

East Carolina at (22) Louisville (-29.5) [Take East Carolina, with the points]

(4) Miami (FL) at Georgia Tech (+14) [Take Miami, give the points]

(13) LSU at (3) Georgia (-3) [Take Georgia, give the points] ** hope I'm wrong

(17) Fresno St. at Louisiana Tech (+13.5) [Take FSU, give the points]

Baylor at (5) Texas (-38) [Take Texas, give the points]

South. Methodist at (23) Boise St. (-37.5) [Take Boise, give the points]

Penn St. at (18) Minnesota (-14) [Take Penn State, with the points]

(21) Arizona St. at Oregon (-3) [Take Oregon, give the points]

(8) Auburn at (10) Tennessee (-2) [Take Auburn plus the points]

(7) Ohio St. at Northwestern (+11.5) [Take Northwestern and the points]

My five favorite picks are Auburn +2, Texas -38, Georgia -3, Oregon State +7, and Florida -7.5

Let's see how I do.

The Weather Forecast Has Eased a Bit

The weather forecast in Vero Beach is pretty normal now:

Partly cloudy with a slight chance of showers and thunderstorms, mainly this evening. Low 74F. Winds E at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 30%.

Last week, with Hurricane Jeanne rolling in, this sterile, clinical forecast sent a tingle down my spine, even though I was home safe in California:

Tonight: Very windy with rain, heavy at times. Low around 75F. Winds SSE at 80 to 100 mph. Rainfall may reach one inch. Wind gusts could reach 125 mph.

Tomorrow: Frequent rain showers will be accompanied by heavy downpours and strong gusty winds at times. High near 85F. SSW winds at 70 to 90 mph, diminishing to 50 to 70 mph. Rainfall over two inches. Winds could occasionally gust over 100 mph.

Tomorrow night: Rain and wind early...then remaining cloudy with showers late. Low 77F. Winds SSW at 25 to 35 mph. Chance of rain 80%. Rainfall possibly over one inch. Rainfall totals approaching 10 inches locally.

They pretty much got it right, too.