I found this gem in the in box four times in the past week. People must assume that because I'm a big college football fan, and maybe also because I'm white, and not particularly politically correct, that I'll think it funny. I don't. It's more racist than clever, and the stereotype of college athetes as fools and criminals who don't belong on campus is old and unfair to thousands of college students who play sports and still make grades:
Well, folks it finally arrived.....the 2005 College Football scouting report for the upcoming NFL draft! The following scouting report is making the rounds of Division I college football coaches:
Wayfron P. Jackson : - 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you know's" and "what I'm sayin's" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins : - 6' 3", 220 lbs.. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, NC Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell : - 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."
Woodrow Lee Washington : - 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because: - "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith : - 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.
Tyrone "Python" Peoples : - 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: - 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Note : - College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.
Most of the college athetes I knew were fairly smart, and they all had a much tougher time making grades than I did, since I didn't have 24-7 athletic obligations on top of my academics. A large number of the better attorneys I meet were athletes in college. They aren't stupid criminals now; and I'm guessing they weren't stupid criminals in college, either. But the people who send these things around wouldn't know. Not one of the people who sent it to me, or whose names I saw on the miles of uncut headers at the top of the thing, went to college.
But on top of that, the premise is faulty. This is a scouting report for the NFL draft, yet the college coaches are supposedly checking it out? And the track coaches? Why would they give a shit about who the NFL is scouting? Whoever wrote this doesn't understand the interplay between NCAA sports and the NFL, and, if I had to guess, I would guess that the author isn't any brighter than Willie "Night Train" Smith" himself.
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