If you are a designer, you can't just color the words "speed" and "art" in your web page and expect people not to laugh at your virtual address" http://www.speedofart.com/. Orange or no orange, your web page is speedo fart dot com.
I think that people are making way too big a deal about astronauts getting drunk before their flights. A drunk driver on the freeway might kill me or someone I love. A drunk astronaut in outer space is unlikely to do me any harm.
Don't you hate it when all of a sudden your neck itches, and you find an ant crawling on you? How in the hell did he get that far?
I hate all spiders. Even the harmless ones. Even the ones that eat ants who want to crawl up and onto my neck.
Mean nicknames I've given people, that stuck: Jimmy Superior, The Clown, Cabbage Patch Face, The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Girl, and Johnny Peopleseed.
Long Beach is an underrated Los Angeles area airport. So is Ontario.
I've never been to Seattle, but my best friend from college lives there; so does my closest friend from my law school years; so does the legal associate who announced his plan to move to Seattle two days before I was going to fire him. I might go to Seattle twice in the next three months. I plan to visit two of the three guys while I'm there.
I think Kevin Garnett is going to be a Celtic. I still hate Danny Ainge and Kevin McHale. As a Laker fan, I'm already looking forward to the trade rumors and free agent possibilities of bringing Kevin Durant to L.A. I know he's locked up for many years, but it's only a matter of time before Durant gets tired of living in a city where hundreds of Microsoft nerds make more money than he does.
I think that's why athletes make commercials. Those paltry salaries aren't never enough if some of the guys you beat up in kindergarten are making more than you.
Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's all-time home run record against the Dodgers. I'm sure Barry Bonds would love to break Aaron's record against the Dodgers, but since this week's series is in L.A., maybe he won't love it. If I was a Dodger pitcher, I'd challenge him with fastballs until he struck out or hit his 755th and 756th home runs, if only to deny him the joy of having more than 20 fans celebrate with him.
We had a party about that big for family this weekend to celebrate my daughter's birthday. It ended being mostly just godparents and grandparents. The aunts and uncles who weren't godparents couldn't make it. Actually, not even all the grandparents made it. One went shopping for clothes instead. They must have been really important clothes. When he told us he wasn't coming, he told us to explain his absence by telling the birthday girl that "her grandpa is an asshole." I think he was joking, but honestly, sometimes I can't tell. I, of course, didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her anything, and I don't even think she noticed he was missing. If she doesn't notice, I guess I won't let it bother me.
The day before, we had a pool party to celebrate my daughter's friend's birthday. It was a shared celebration, honoring one of her friends, as well as one of the girls we don't much like, as they share a birthday. I ended up stuck spending about two hours socializing with the mother of the one we dislike. All she did was complain about everyone in her life, from her father to other parents, to the cheerleaders at the girls' school, to even her birthday girl, who she belittled as being "even shorter than the Asian kids," which she thought to be "totally pathetic." When I sarcastically observed that "that wasn't racist at all," she responded by reminding me that she said "Asian" rather than "Oriental." No wonder her kid is a pain in the butt. I had fine time pointing out that the world's tallest man and the NBA's tallest player are both Chinese, and she dropped her comments about tiny little Asian kids. After a while, I found myself feeling bad for me, because of how unpleasant it was to be around her, but later, it occurred to me that it must be much more unpleasant to actually be her, and I didn't feel so bad.
I used to have 20/15 vision, and I went to church a lot. Now, I have something like 20/40 vision and I don't go as often. Coincidence? Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. Maybe I'm intuitively trying to be a better person by going less often.
So, if a double negative means a positive, surely a double positive can make a negative, right? Sometimes. Yeah, right.
Comments