Graduation ceremonies are supposed to be sophisticated, quiet, dignified affairs. Clapping and hooting and hollering and standing can get you arrested and cost your graduate his or her diploma. That's a step up, I guess, from just denying a diploma to the person you clapped for. That apparently became too wide open to abuse as soon as rednecks realized you could screw over some graduate you hated by telling people to clap for them.
According to a survey just published, intelligent people are total ingrates. God blesses them with superior intelligence and they respond by not believing in Him. An interesting article, to say the least; and the best part is that you can discuss the survey results with almost anyone and expect a calm, reasonable, respectful and informative conversation to follow.
The Senate report headline confirms it. Bush lied. People died. The body of the report is not so clear. On Iraq's nuclear weapons program: The president's statements "were generally substantiated by intelligence community estimates." On biological weapons, production capability and mobile laboratories: "substantiated by intelligence information." On chemical weapons: "Substantiated by intelligence information." On weapons of mass destruction in general: "Generally substantiated by intelligence information." On ballistic missiles: "Generally substantiated by available intelligence." On unmanned aerial vehicles that could deliver WMDs: "Generally substantiated by intelligence information." Maybe your bumper sticker should read, "Bush was lied to. People died." It doesn't sound as good, but it's more honest. Honesty is good, yes?
Old and busted: drilling pristine Alaskan nature preserves for oil. New hotness: drilling a soccer mom's SUV for gasoline. Around our neighborhood, they're also stealing catalytic converters for the platinum and rhodium.
Sometimes, there is one piece of evidence that makes or breaks a case. In the case of the acquittal of a man, who may have been a drug dealer, who was charged with murder after shooting one of the cops who raided his house during a "no knock" raid, the evidence supporting the defendant's claim that he feared he and his family were under attack was that he soiled his underwear during the raid. Murderers do not crap themselves.
A rape defendant is trying to introduce a cast of his "extraordinarily large" penis to prove that it was a smaller man who raped the 13-year-old victim. I liked it better when it happened on The Practice, and a juror realized that the scar on the defendant's johnson was from a penile enlargement surgery.
According to at least one British fellow, the best thing about being reunited with your long-lost daughter is that if she grew up to be hot, you can shag her for a couple of years.
Headline: Barack Obama tells black fathers to engage their children. For a brief moment, voters in West Virginia misread the headline and considered actually voting for the guy now.
If you think lawsuits are out of control in the U.S., imagine living in Sweden, where you can't even fire a priest for banging one of the parishioners.
"We have sex, and in the eyes of God we are already married." Not a quote you want to read about a 700 pound man and his lady friend. Especially when the article has pictures.
Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren are the proud parents of a new baby girl they named "Honor." Why do famous parents do that to their kids? Maybe they figure that, with hot parents, they needed to give the kids in school an extra incentive to tease their little snowflake. I can hear it already. "Honor and offer. Honor and offer." I'm sure mine is not an original thought, which makes the name all the more silly.
Katherine Heigl wanting her name withdrawn from Emmy consideration this season is a bit like Nicholas Cage withdrawing his name from Oscar consideration for National Treasure 2, or that really fat chick with the big nose and the disgusting wart putting on weird makeup and dressing in thrift shop clothing and declaring that she's ugly by choice. Or like Lindsay Lohan "choosing" not to be considered for her one scene in Ugly Betty.
Kobe Bryant is getting skewered in the press for calling it like it is. Not for saying that the Lakers choked. For saying that the team needed to drink it off. Hey, whatever works. The O'Brien Trophy has left Staples Center without a new owner, even though the Lakers blew yet another monster lead at home against the hated Celtics.
What is the toughest way to win a major if you are a golf player? I'm not sure what is the toughest, but sitting in the clubhouse hoping that Tiger Woods is going to blow a birdie putt on the 18th is definitely one of the toughest ways. It sure didn't work for Rocco Mediate yesterday. Perhaps he'll try a new strategy today.
In case you've even wondered, the answer to the question "But what if I don't want to have my mugshot taken?" is this.
Finally, if you were totally bummed out as a kid to learn than someone had killed the last unicorn, here's good news. Someone found a real live unicorn for you to kill.
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