Fraudulently blaming stores and restaurants for tearing your suit pants is a poor way to fund your UFO hoaxes, but some people have to learn this lesson the hard way.
This lesson should not have been learned the hard way: When you give a stabby would-be baby thief a slap on the risk, it's just a matter of time before she shows up at a hospital with a baby dangling an umbilical cord, while the real mom lies dead in her apartment with her hands tied together and her belly ripped open. Tecvnically, the police haven't come out and said that the dead woman at the perp's apartment, with her uterus ripped apart, is the real mom, but they've disclosed that the dead woman "may" be a clue as to the mystery baby's identity. Nice police work there, guys.
Do you wish you were a billionaire? Move to Zimbabwe. If someone drops a Lincoln penny on the ground, and you pick it up, you're a billionaire. That's right, the new $100 billion note is worth $1 U.S.
So there's a guy busy setting a Guinness World Record for sitting on his ass in the seats at the Rose Bowl. I didn't know they had records like that. I'm not sure if they have a record for sitting on your ass on the field at the Rose Bowl, but if they do, I'm guessing that the record-holder is Chad Henne.
Year in and year out, USC keeps recruiting like fiends. Already, they have verbal committments from four of the top 20 players from the class of 2009. I wouldn't be surprised to see one or two more, including Manti Te'o, who could be the next player to wear number 55.
Notre Dame hired a lawyer to be their new athletic director. It makes me wonder if I have a shot at Mike Garrett's job someday.
Year in and year out, the Clippers mismanagement dooms them to eternal failure. This year, while most teams other than Memphis are out improving their teams, the Clippers got dumped by Elton Brand and Corey Maggette, signed Baron Davis, Marcus Camby and Kelenna Azubuike, and gave up on Shaun Livingston, Dan Dickau, Boniface Ndong, Smush Parker, and James Singleton. Next year, their starting lineup is going to be something like Chris Kaman, Marcus Camby, Al Thornton, Baron Davis and Eric Gordon, with Tim Thomas and Cutino Mobley coming off the bench. That is a lottery team, not a playoff team.
I heard an interview on KLAC wherein a gambling expert said that in one season, there were 22 games in which NBA officials Tim Donaghy or Scott Foster worked games in which the lines moved more than once and more than three points before the game. Each of the 22 times, the big money side won. In general, whether the favorite wins is a 50/50 proposition. That means that 22 out of 22 times, the big money moving the line won, which is like having a coin come up heads 22 times in a row. The odds of that are about 4.2 million to one. No wonder Congress is thinking about looking into it.
Nancy Pelosi has jumbo coconut balls. You have to have some serious huevos to call a president with a 32% approval rating a "total failure" while you yourself lead a Congress with an approval rating of just 9%. To put that into perspective, King George III enjoyed a 15%-20% approval rating in the U.S. during the Revolutionary War (see Calhoon, "Loyalism and neutrality" in Greene and Pole, A Companion to the American Revolution (2000) p.235).
Holy crap, that "racist" New Yorker cartoon that depicts Barack Obama sure has caused an uproar. It's enough to make you wonder how outraged people would be if someone used racial stereotypes in a cartoon about John McCain. Wonder no more. Rolling Stone ran one last month. Pretty much nobody said a thing about it. Strange, no?
PETA just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Their latest outrage to rage against is a 27 year old story about a tarantula's pincers being removed so that an actress wouldn't feel so anxious about using the spider in a film scene. "We protect spiders from being surgically altered, even if it takes us 27 years." That would be a good slogan. Next month: PETA exposes George Washington for stepping on a roach the day he chopped down the cherry tree.
A warning has gone out letting lobster eaters know that it might be unsafe to eat tomalleys, which are the disgusting green innards of the delicious lobster. Who the hell eats that crap anyway? If it's white and clean, eat it. If it looks like a sac of bile, leave it in the shell. Of course, if you are a good Jew or Christian, you don't eat lobster anyway, because, like gay sex, eating lobster is an abomination unto the Lord. So you eat neither the nasty bile nor the delicious white tail meat. Mmmm. Delicious white tail.
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