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Overused Word of 2009 - Bailout

I never liked the concept, now I hate the word even more. Popularized in the 4th quarter of 2008, the word bailout has now become omnipresent in nearly every political conversation. According to opponents of various pieces of legislation, it would appear that every law that benefits anyone from here on out is a "bailout."

For example, a bill that helps unions by allowing their to organize through signature-gathering campaigns is suddenly a "union bailout." It doesn't include big fat government checks being written to save unions from their own business decisions, and it won't raise your taxes, but somehow, it's a "bailout."

As a further example, the Ledbetter Act, allowing women who are discriminated against to sue under the law that prohibits wage discrimination without having to discover the first act of discrimination within their first 180 days of work, is not a bill to allow the Equal Pay Act to actually compel employers to obey it. No. It's a "bailout for trial lawyers."

If those two cases meet the definition of a "bailout," then get ready for more bailouts. We might see several thousand of them across the country this year.

Quick, someone stop the word bailout. Kill it with fire. Bury it. Forget about it. Please.

Overheard at the Park

Teenager girl #1: When we are old, we'll, like, none of us will be able to write, like, autobiographies and stuff.
Teenager girl #2: Because we live in such a boring place?
Teenager girl #1: Because we don't do anything but get drunk all the time. We won't remember anything to tell our kids.
Teenager girl #2: I don't even want to have kids. I, like, don't want to get all saggy and shit. You know, like, like Cameron Diaz.
Teenager girl #1: She has kids?
Teenager girl #2: I don't know. I don't think so.
Teenager girl #1: Jessica Alba has a kid.
Teenager girl #2: Yeah, I guess.

Overheard in the Parking Lot

Guy #1: "Do you mind driving? My car is filthy."
Guy #2: "How dirty is it?"
Guy #1: "It's disgusting. It looks like a homeless guy's car."
Guy #2: "It's a Lexus."
Guy #1: "But it's a really filthy Lexus."

Overheard in an Elevator

First guy (getting in): Absolutely. I've never been happier.
Second guy: I don't care. I'm not going to try it.
First guy: Aren't you the guy who always says "Don't knock it until you try it"?
Second guy: That's why you never hear me knocking gay guys.
First guy: So why are you knocking this?
Second guy: I'm not. I'm just not going to try it. Same principle, actually.
First guy: Whatever. You're a bitch.

Overheard in a Hallway

Her: I got that book I was telling you about.
Him: You mean that one from the guy who had that memory infomercial?
Her: Yeah, that's the one.
Him: Isn't that guy a felon?
Her: Maybe. Felons sometimes have good information, though.
Him: Like what? What information is only available by paying money to a felon?
Her: It's basic, but it's things no one else talks about.
Him: Such as?
Her: Well, for example, did you know that when you poop, you should lean way forward?
Him: You're joking, right?
Her: No, seriously. More stuff comes out that way.
Him: You paid money to learn that?
Her: Hey, you should try it.
Him: Why?
Her: I've lost a pound and half by doing that.
Him: Have I ever explained to you the difference between causation and correlation?

Overheard Again

Him: It looks kind of cool. They have a little zoo there, with a lion and monkeys and stuff.

Her: Is it a petting zoo?

The other guy: Yeah, but the kids only get to pet the lion once.

Do I Look Dirty?

Hispanic waiter at Denny's: Can I get you something to drink? A beer, soda?
Loud chick with an Aryan tattoo: No, I can't drink. I just got out of the Army, so I can't drink in the States. I can drink in Germany.
Waiter: Oh. Wow. So what would you like?
Loud chick: I can drink in Tijuana, too. But I don't go there. It's filthy. I haven't been there since I was 16. It's scummy.
Waiter: Yeah, it's gross. I haven't been there since I was, like, 4.
Loud chick: Are you from Tijuana?
Waiter: Why? Do I look filthy to you?

The GDP

Trying to make conversation, he asks: "Guess what the gross domestic product of Togo is?"
"I don't know," she replies. "Cow manure?"
"That's not what I meant," he says.
"I think cow manure is pretty gross," she adds.

The Brilliance of Sales Clerks

I'm at a Hallmark, buying a roll of silver wrapping paper, a wedding card, some ribbon and a bow. The clerk rings me up, and as she is slipping the roll of wrapping paper into the bag, she asks "Is this for wrapping a gift?"

My mind starts to race, as I think of all the different things Chandler Bing might say in response to this question.

"No, I'm actually going to stuff it inside the gift."

"No, its going to used as a dessert topping."

"Yes, and I'm the gift, baby."

"Do I get a prize for answering correctly?"

Instead, I cock my head to one side like a dog that has never heard anything so strange, and I raise one eyebrow, and mutter "Um, why?"

Flustered, she wordlessly gives me my change and I walk out the door.

Breaking The Elevator Rules

One of the fundamental rules of elevator etiquette is that you must always pretend you are not listening to the conversations of other riders. However, a corollary rule also says that you shouldn't discuss bowel movements and similar subjects on the elevator.

I'm on an elevator, and a sizable fellow remarks to his buddy: "Yeah, the Atkins thing is really working. I weighed myself this morning and I was down to 265." Then he leans over, and, in a voice that was only slightly hushed, adds "And that was even before I took a shit."

So I let out a barely hushed noise of disapproval, and these jerks turn toward me like I'm the jackass. Hey, guys, you broke etiquette first.