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Life Pro Tip: If you have to talk about how something is "going viral", it is not actually going viral.

I've noticed that usually when a post claims that something is going viral, I've never seen it before and never will see it again. Telling people your post is going viral is like giving yourself a nickname. It's not going to work and it just makes people think you're stupid.

Not your post.

 

 

I Love the New Facebook Rainbow Profile Pic App

I changed my profile pick to Mike Huckabee for about two minutes so that I could enjoy seeing a Mike Huckabee rainbow profile pic. Enjoy.

He's Not a Hypocrite, He's Just an Asshole

"The Republican presidential candidate had called Barack Obama the country’s ‘least transparent president’ for refusing to release the same documentation."

Yeah, and IF he wins, you all can call him a hypocrite. Until then, he's still just an in-your-face bunghole.

Sorry if I just made you envision a bunghole in your face.

My Favorite Retraction of All-Time

You know that one friend you have on Facebook who is always posting some outrageous thing that pisses them off? That unbelievable thing that would piss you off, too, except you know that the source for that story - the Onion, the Daily Currant, whatever - is a satire bogus new site?

Don't you kind of think that this one friend is a bit of a moron?

The New York Times is a bit of a moron, too.

After posting a story about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, the Times had to post this retraction

In related news, there's probably a new job opening at the NY Times.

What the Hell, Take the Credit

After poor ratings and a complaint letter from a lawyers group, NBC has canceled Bad Judge. Put another way, because of poor ratings, and entirely coincidental to a lawyers group hating the show, NBC has canceled Bad Judge.

In related news, after extremely low ratings, plus harsh criticism by me, Fox canceled its reality show Utopia.

Hypocrisy is Funny

So this was floating around my Facebook feed today:

And I thought, "I'd bet a large sum of money that this person has publicly commented at least once about a person's appearance." So I went to her Twitter account and did a quick search for the term "Limbaugh". Sure enough, the first hit was a jab at his looks.

Admittedly, Limbaugh is not a handsome man, but if you're going to have standards, one is better than two. Or, as Erin Gloria Ryan should say, you may not agree with a man, but to criticize his appearance - as opposed to his ideas or actions - isn't doing anyone any favors, least of all you....

Soon, The Web Will Be 100% Click Bait

Everything these days is becoming click bait.

"When faced with a blinking red light, you're not going to BELIEVE what one woman did at a busy intersection..."

With photo of anxious female driver, like this:

[clicks]

"She let a pedestrian cross all the way before entering the intersection. 'There were people behind me honking', said Martha Smith, 'but I have just learned in traffic school that they have the right of way until they reach the curb."

[followed by boring traffic safety crap I already knew and would never clicked on had I known the article was going to suck like this]

[smacks self in face *hard* for having clicked a link to such a stupid story]

To Be Fair, Sterling Doesn't Always Offend and Disgust

I told someone today that every time Donald Sterling speaks, I'm offended and disgusted, but I didn't really mean that. What I meant was that sometimes when Donald Sterling speaks, I'm offended, and the other times he speaks, I'm disgusted. Only some of the time...

...am I both offended and disgusted.

Self-Loathing Gun Control Extremists!

You know how so many of the strongest anti-gay Republican politicians end up getting caught sleeping with men? The Democrats have an equivalent, but instead of sleeping with their own gender,

they traffic in illegal guns.

Democrats Responding to Donald Sterling

"Fine him!"

They did.

"Oh. Then make him sell the Clippers."

They are.

"Oh."

"Then let's make him pay more in taxes."

Brilliant. Only the cleverest Democrats know how to turn a racist remark by one rich asshole into a cry for increased taxes.

Today's Racist in Denial

White supremicists put racist messages in Easter eggs and hid them all over a Virginia town for Easter. The idea was the brainchild of White Man March's Kyle Hunt, who had this to say:

"We were not targeting children." Hmm.

Perhaps it's both.

You had one rule, people

Do not talk about it.

You keep talking about it.

Free Chiwaewa!

I love Craigslist's Free section, not only because I sometimes get free shit, but also because I see some of the dumbest stuff there. Usually, I am most amused by the (and I'm paraphrasing here) "Free heavy garbage of now value! Just haul away! Take all or none." ads. But sometimes, it's just the way something is phrased. Or spelled. Like this poor little girl, a mix between a Pug and a Chiwaewa/Chiwawa, who is being dumped by her owner of three years. Chiwawa?

I suppose it won't be as funny is she ends up in the pound, but for now, I laughed.

I Liked This Story Better The First Time, When It Was Called...

Idiocracy.

Now, life imitates art, as an ugly, strange, creepy man becomes one of the most prolific hit-and-run fathers on the planet. "Man who fathered 98 kids offers free sex service" Seriously, the world is being populated by kids made by this man and the women who will sleep with him for his sperm. And then they are being raised by those women and their husbands (or lesbian partners) who are perfectly okay with this creep bumping uglies with their mates. Gross.

Telemarketer Projection

So this telemarketer calls and spouts out a bunch of stuff she thinks she knows about my home security system, and then asks me a question about our security system and asks what we are paying and how we're paying it.

Calmly, without profanity, I tell her "That's actually none of your business. "

She acts shocked, and says "You ... you are just rude!"

Like calling someone you've never met out of the blue and asking them about their finances and home security system is an exercise in politeness? I wouldn't think it is my business to ask questions like this of my friends or neighbors, but because you want to sell me something, you think it's not rude to ask me, even though we've never met? I don't think so.

Doorways to Demonic Possession

I've been through 11 doorways to Satanism, but none have led to demonic possession. I remain unpossessed.

How many doorways have you been through?

Lion Man, the Sequel to Grizzly Man?

I fully expect one day to read about them finding this guy in pieces, throughout the digestive systems of his beloved lions.

Sure, it's a feel good story now, but so was Tim Treadwell's story back when he was appearing on Letterman.

Budgets and Deficits are not the Same Thing

Saw this from a friend who blames Fox News for everyone thinking Obama is a big spender.

I'd venture to say that most of those 54% don't understand the difference between a budget deficit and the national debt, and that most of those, and maybe a lot of the other 46% think that the president, rather than Congress, determine the budget. In fact, unless the same party holds both the House and the Senate, the process goes like this: the president proposes a budget. One or both houses of Congress laugh at him and then fight among themselves to decide what the budget will actually be.

And how about the 27% who had no clue, but at least were honest enough to admit it. Those are probably mostly the "undecided" voters who actually make all of the important electoral decisions that run our country. If I'm right in that bit of speculation, it's kind of frightening, isn't it?

Worst Family Feud answer to ever get on the board?

Name a place men like to go where they have more fun if their wives don't go with them.

Two people said Thailand. I wouldn't leave either one of those sick bastards alone with any of my kids, not even for ten minutes.

Worst Family Feud answer to ever get on the board?

Name a place men like to go where they have more fun if their wives don't go with them.

Two people said Thailand. I wouldn't leave either one of those sick bastards alone with any of my kids, not even for ten minutes.

The Color Run Isn't What You Think It Is

I used to think The Color Run was a really cool event run by cool people. I've since found out it's run by a very sketchy guy who sued a photographer who dared to demand money for the Color Run to use the photographer's photo. They also rely on volunteers who think they are helping a charity, but actually are working for free for a "for profit company". I hope we get a call from one of these volunteers. We'll hit 'em with a class action for wage & hour violations!

For now, I'm going to support the Color Dash instead. They seem to be more open about what they do, what they give and who they are. And they don't sue you for taking pictures at their events.

I Will Not Don't Stop Believing

I'm done believing.

Waiters and waitresses, I'm done believing your stories of ---ists leaving unbelievably nasty messages in lieu of tips. I got stiffed from time to time, you will be too. Suck it up and stop making up bullshit stories about ists who hate you, hoping that your prevarication will go viral. Viral prevarications are bad, especially if you are putting yourself out as a victimized member of a disadvantaged group, because fair or not, you taint the whole group when you get busted.

And media, stop reporting on this stuff. It's not news even if it proves true. It's only news when it becomes a story and it's found to be bullshit. And that's not the story you were looking for, was it?

Journey Was Wrong. Stop Believing. Let Go of That Feeling

Waiters and waitresses, I'm done believing your stories of ----ists leaving unbelievably nasty messages in lieu of tips. I got stiffed from time to time, you will be too. Suck it up and stop making up bullshit stories about ists who hate you, hoping that your prevarication will go viral. Viral prevarications are bad, especially if you are putting yourself out as a victimized member of a disadvantaged group, because fair or not, you taint the whole group when you get busted.

And media, stop reporting on this stuff. It's not news even if it proves true. It's only news when it becomes a story and it's found to be bullshit. And that's not the story you were looking for, was it?

Lesbian waitress Dayna Morales claimed someone stiffed her and wrote "I'm sorry but I cannot tip because I do not agree with your lifestyle and how you live your life." She submitted it to gay advocay forums and became instantly famous.

I because suspicious when I read that the waitress was raking in profits from sympathetic donors and saw her writing embellishments like "It took everything I had to no spit in their food." Yeah, except you bring the food first, THEN they eat it, THEN you give them the bill and THEN, if they stiff you and insult you, you find out about it. No food to spit in.

Sure enough, evidence is in that she made the whole thing up. The family, however, who claim to be pro-gay rights, say they never wrote the hateful message, and they even tipped her 20%, and they have both the bill and the credit card bill to prove it.

Why would she do it? Friends and colleagues say that's just who she is. She tells whoppers to get attention. She sure got a lot of it this time.

The Ten Worst Music Videos I've Ever Seen

10. Tunak Tunak Tun

 

9.  Elektronik, Supersonik

 

8. Anger

 

7. Hooked on a Feeling

 

6. Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

 

5. Apache

 

4.  Love Me Tender

 

3. Losing You

 

2. Friday

 

1.  Thanksgiving.

 

Am I missing any deserving stinkers?

An Irish Ghost Story

John was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
 
Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, he got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Terrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

A few minutes later, John noticed the lights of a pub down the road, so he jumped out of the car and ran to it as fast as he could, never even looking back. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and told everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and sober.

Suddenly, the pub doors opened, and two soaking wet men walked in. They spotted John sobbing at the bar.

"Look, Paddy," one said to the other. It's that feckin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

There is no Money Bags Month

I got this message posted on my Facebook wall this week:

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE This year October has 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays and 5 Wednesdays. This happens once every 823 years. This is called Money Bags. So Share this at your wall and money will arrive within 4 days!

Reality is a bit more boring. Here's reality:

October 2012 is interesting because it has only 4 weekends, but it has 5 Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Amazingly, this happens, on average, only once every seven years. It hasn't happened since 2007. It won't happen again until 2018.

Oh, and it's been 4 days, and the guy who posted it hasn't said anything about winning the lotto or anything, so I think it might not have worked.

You see, since October always has 31 days, and a week always has seven days, October will always have five Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesday every time the month begins on a Monday. This year, October 1st fell on a Monday. This happens, on average, every seven years, not every 823 years. It doesn't happen every seven years evenly, howeve. Because of leap years, the pattern (except over the turn of each century that does not conclude a millenium) is for it to happen after 6, 5, 6 and 11 years. After 2018, it won't happen again until 2029.

You might enjoy the patterns that we saw in 2010 a little more. In 2010, the month begins on Friday, so October will have five Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays instead. Sadly, that pattern is on the 11 years now, so you won't see it again until 2021. Of course, if you like having all day to get ready for trick-or-treating, and you don't want the kids to have to do it on a school night, 2015 will be a great October. That one starts on a Thurday, which means Halloween is on Saturday. Call that month Candy Bags.

Does Anyone Ever Fall For One This Bad?

I got this email from "[email protected]" supposedly:

"Tax notice,

The analysis of the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity has indicated that
you are entitled to receive a tax refund of $117.27

Please submit a request of the tax refund and a processing of the request will take 7-14 days.
A tax refund can be delayed by different reasons.
For instance submission of invalid records or sending after the deadline.

Please find the form of your tax refund attached and fill out it and send a report.

Yours sincerely,
IRS. "

I don't know what was in the attachment. Maybe this was just an attempt to get people to download some infected file. But if anyone reads this and thinks that the IRS is going to send them $117.27, they must be stupid, stupid, stupid.

What a Wang!

Billionaire Wang Gongquan announced on a twitter-like social media platform that he was dumping his wife to run off with his mistress.

Wang Gongquan, Billionaire Investor, Uses Social Media To Announce He's Leaving Wife For Mistress

Money doesn't buy class.

Not Under God, Not Indivisible, Broadcasting Company

NBC opened its U.S. Open broadcast with a montage that included children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, but they edited out the words "under God" and "indivisible". All the social media were immediately abuzz with people pissed off about the editing.

NBC quickly issued an apology. "Regrettably, a portion of the Pledge of Allegiance that was in that feature was edited out. It was not done to upset anyone, and we'd like to apologize to those of you who were offended by it."

Thanks a whole new step, isn't it? Not just the Pledge without "Under God", but also without "Indivisible"? What kind of America-hating moron wants "Indivisible" out of the Pledge? If you don't want us to be indivisible, why even go forward with ANY of the Pledge?

Linda Sanchez: "I live paycheck to paycheck" Waaaaaa!

Asked if she would volunteer to eschew her salary during the potential federal government shutdown, Representative Linda Sanchez, the member of Congress who represents my hometown, and makes $174,500 a year in salary, plus Congress's generous perqs, says:

“I have to tell you that I live paycheck-to-paycheck, like most Americans,” Sánchez said. “I’m still paying off my student loans. I have a 2-year-old son who I have to support, and I have to maintain residences on both coasts. It’s very difficult for me to say, ‘Hey, I can give up my paycheck,’ because the reality is, I have financial obligations that I have to meet on a month-to-month basis that doesn’t make it possible for me.”

This is the same moron who would be quick to make fun of you if you said that making $250,000 doesn't mean you are rich and that you can afford to pay a bunch of extra money in taxes without feeling it. Yeah, $250,000 and paying for your own healthcare, your own retirement, plus self-employment taxes, makes you "rich", but $174,500, plus generous benefits and no self-employment taxes means you are just living paycheck-to-paycheck, like most Americans. That $174K number assumes, of course, that her lobbyist husband, Jim Sullivan, makes nothing.

Now that's rich.

It Takes a Thief to Catch a Thief

And perhaps it takes a coke fiend to prosecute a coke fiend. Las Vegas Deputy D.A. David Schubert, who prosecuted Paris Hilton and Bruno Mars for cocaine possession, was arrested last weekend for cocaine possession.According to the arrest report, Schubert was seen in a neighborhood known as a drug haven, where he picked up a fellow named Raymond Streeter and drove to an apartment complex, where Streeter then (allegedly) bought $40 worth of cocaine for Schubert. Police then pulled over Schubert's BMW and found cocaine in the car.

He's been suspended and will almost certainly be fired. I've known some pretty good attorneys who abused cocaine. Some ended up ruining their careers, and others remained million dollar lawyers. I suspect Schubert will be one of the former.

Another Example of Bruin Brilliance

Meet Alexandra Wallace, a UCLA student and "polite nice American student that her momma raised [her] to be", who is annoyed by Asians who want to call their relatives about "that tsunami thing" and go "ooo, ching chong ling long ting tong, oooooo" while she is studying for finals in the library.

 

Part of me feels sorry for her. She's getting death threats. Hoards of people calling for anything from her suspension to her expulsion to her head on a plate. And apparently, she still has to wear tops that she's had since grade school. But how stupid to you have to be to record this rant and share it online? Pretty stupid. She's bRuined her life, poor thing.

My Thoughts on the Grammy Awards

Well a very very heavay a heavy devit bertation tonight.
We had a very darce darrison, bite.
Let's go ahead terrorist tazin'.
Let's go to the bit.
The have the pet.

 

 

How to Tell If You're Too Into Your Farmville Farm

Meet Alexandra V. Tobias.

 

Tobias is a 22 year old mom from Jacksonville who has a Farmville obsession so intense that she shook her 3-month-old baby to death because he wouldn't stop crying when she was playing the game on Facebook. We hold it to be self-evident that if you kill your baby for interrupting your game of Farmville, you are way to into Farmville.

And if you read this story and wonder how awesome her farm must be if she's more interested in that farm than in keeping her baby breathing, I have a video that might help you with your problem.

 

Foreclosed Family Breaks Into Their Own House

A foreclosed family has taken the law into their own hands and broken into their former home. I thought this story was interesting, and the people in it were ballsy, and I felt a lot of sympathy for the family until I got to this part of the article:

The Earls paid $500,000 for the house in 2001 and then refinanced to pull out cash. They fell behind on their mortgage and at the time of their eviction they owed about $880,000 on a no-interest mortgage.

Wow. So they pulled $380,000 in cash out of their house, plus whatever they had put down to begin with. Then, when they got foreclosed and left, they waited until the new buyers dropped $40,000 on improvements before breaking the locks and seizing possession of the house. That's not ballsy. That's crooked. I understand fighting. I understandappealing. I understandprotesting. I do not understand letting someone else drop forty grand into your old place and then taking it back by force.

Their attorney appears to be somewhat of a loon. Michael T. Pines has led more than one client on such a mission. He recently got arrested for trespassing after telling the Newport Beach police that they were not welcome and his clients' former home that he had helped them break back into:

“I’m trying to teach homeowners what their rights are. In my opinion, they are the legal owners of the property. All of these foreclosures, all of these evictions are grossly unlawful,” he says. “All of the loans that are currently outstanding are grossly unlawful. Homeowners have a right to get their houses back because they were illegally stolen from them. I feel very confident in saying they have the legal right to do it.”

 
Again, wow. I wonder how long before the California State Bar relieves this fellow of his license. Good lawyers do not advise their clients to break the law and cause them to get arrested. If your strategy is to break in and squat, you don't need a lawyer (well, you might eventually need a criminal defense lawyer), you need a gangster.

To All Convicted Sex Offenders Working as Lawyers

if you got convicted of a sex offense or two, which of course, has to be reported to the State Bar, and you didn't bother reporting it to the State Bar, and you are trying to stretch your legal career as far as you can until they notice it, breaking out radio ads to become quasi-famous as a "loan modification attorney" and then pissing people off by preying on them when they are most vulnerable, and leaving large numbers of your clients dissatisfied is not the way to do it. Some of them are going to figure out that you are a sex offender, and some of them are going to report it, and then you are going to be in a world of shit.

Crazy Tax Protestor's Manifesto

The website (embeddedart.com) is down, removed by the webhost T35 Hosting:

"This website has been taken offline due to the sensitive nature of the events that transpired in Texas this morning and in compliance with a request from the FBI."

But before the website was taken down, it looked like this: htm pdf.

It belonged to crazy Joseph Stack, who crashed an airplane into an office building in Austin this morning as a final act of defiance against the IRS, used the website, which used to be a promotional page for an engineering firm, as a forum to publish his anti-IRS manifesto.

Here's the whole rant. The dude was nuts.

If you’re reading this, you’re no doubt asking yourself, “Why did this have to happen?”  The simple truth is that it is complicated and has been coming for a long time.  The writing process, started many months ago, was intended to be therapy in the face of the looming realization that there isn’t enough therapy in the world that can fix what is really broken.  Needless to say, this rant could fill volumes with example after example if I would let it.  I find the process of writing it frustrating, tedious, and probably pointless… especially given my gross inability to gracefully articulate my thoughts in light of the storm raging in my head.  Exactly what is therapeutic about that I’m not sure, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

We are all taught as children that without laws there would be no society, only anarchy.  Sadly, starting at early ages we in this country have been brainwashed to believe that, in return for our dedication and service, our government stands for justice for all.  We are further brainwashed to believe that there is freedom in this place, and that we should be ready to lay our lives down for the noble principals represented by its founding fathers.  Remember? One of these was “no taxation without representation”.  I have spent the total years of my adulthood unlearning that crap from only a few years of my childhood.  These days anyone who really stands up for that principal is promptly labeled a “crackpot”, traitor and worse.

While very few working people would say they haven’t had their fair share of taxes (as can I), in my lifetime I can say with a great degree of certainty that there has never been a politician cast a vote on any matter with the likes of me or my interests in mind.  Nor, for that matter, are they the least bit interested in me or anything I have to say.

Why is it that a handful of thugs and plunderers can commit unthinkable atrocities (and in the case of the GM executives, for scores of years) and when it’s time for their gravy train to crash under the weight of their gluttony and overwhelming stupidity, the force of the full federal government has no difficulty coming to their aid within days if not hours?  Yet at the same time, the joke we call the American medical system, including the drug and insurance companies, are murdering tens of thousands of people a year and stealing from the corpses and victims they cripple, and this country’s leaders don’t see this as important as bailing out a few of their vile, rich cronies.  Yet, the political “representatives” (thieves, liars, and self-serving scumbags is far more accurate) have endless time to sit around for year after year and debate the state of the “terrible health care problem”.  It’s clear they see no crisis as long as the dead people don’t get in the way of their corporate profits rolling in.

And justice? You’ve got to be kidding!

How can any rational individual explain that white elephant conundrum in the middle of our tax system and, indeed, our entire legal system?  Here we have a system that is, by far, too complicated for the brightest of the master scholars to understand.  Yet, it mercilessly “holds accountable” its victims, claiming that they’re responsible for fully complying with laws not even the experts understand.  The law “requires” a signature on the bottom of a tax filing; yet no one can say truthfully that they understand what they are signing; if that’s not “duress” than what is.  If this is not the measure of a totalitarian regime, nothing is.

How did I get here? 

My introduction to the real American nightmare starts back in the early ‘80s.  Unfortunately after more than 16 years of school, somewhere along the line I picked up the absurd, pompous notion that I could read and understand plain English.  Some friends introduced me to a group of people who were having ‘tax code’ readings and discussions.  In particular, zeroed in on a section relating to the wonderful “exemptions” that make institutions like the vulgar, corrupt Catholic Church so incredibly wealthy.  We carefully studied the law (with the help of some of the “best”, high-paid, experienced tax lawyers in the business), and then began to do exactly what the “big boys” were doing (except that we weren’t steeling from our congregation or lying to the government about our massive profits in the name of God).  We took a great deal of care to make it all visible, following all of the rules, exactly the way the law said it was to be done.

The intent of this exercise and our efforts was to bring about a much-needed re-evaluation of the laws that allow the monsters of organized religion to make such a mockery of people who earn an honest living.  However, this is where I learned that there are two “interpretations” for every law; one for the very rich, and one for the rest of us… Oh, and the monsters are the very ones making and enforcing the laws; the inquisition is still alive and well today in this country.

That little lesson in patriotism cost me $40,000+, 10 years of my life, and set my retirement plans back to 0.  It made me realize for the first time that I live in a country with an ideology that is based on a total and complete lie.  It also made me realize, not only how naive I had been, but also the incredible stupidity of the American public; that they buy, hook, line, and sinker, the crap about their “freedom”… and that they continue to do so with eyes closed in the face of overwhelming evidence and all that keeps happening in front of them.

Before even having to make a shaky recovery from the sting of the first lesson on what justice really means in this country (around 1984 after making my way through engineering school and still another five years of “paying my dues”), I felt I finally had to take a chance of launching my dream of becoming an independent engineer.

On the subjects of engineers and dreams of independence, I should digress somewhat to say that I’m sure that I inherited the fascination for creative problem solving from my father.  I realized this at a very young age.

The significance of independence, however, came much later during my early years of college; at the age of 18 or 19 when I was living on my own as student in an apartment in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.  My neighbor was an elderly retired woman (80+ seemed ancient to me at that age) who was the widowed wife of a retired steel worker.  Her husband had worked all his life in the steel mills of central Pennsylvania with promises from big business and the union that, for his 30 years of service, he would have a pension and medical care to look forward to in his retirement.  Instead he was one of the thousands who got nothing because the incompetent mill management and corrupt union (not to mention the government) raided their pension funds and stole their retirement.  All she had was social security to live on.

In retrospect, the situation was laughable because here I was living on peanut butter and bread (or Ritz crackers when I could afford to splurge) for months at a time.  When I got to know this poor figure and heard her story I felt worse for her plight than for my own (I, after all, I thought I had everything to in front of me).  I was genuinely appalled at one point, as we exchanged stories and commiserated with each other over our situations, when she in her grandmotherly fashion tried to convince me that I would be “healthier” eating cat food (like her) rather than trying to get all my substance from peanut butter and bread.  I couldn’t quite go there, but the impression was made.  I decided that I didn’t trust big business to take care of me, and that I would take responsibility for my own future and myself.

Return to the early ‘80s, and here I was off to a terrifying start as a ‘wet-behind-the-ears’ contract software engineer... and two years later, thanks to the fine backroom, midnight effort by the sleazy executives of Arthur Andersen (the very same folks who later brought us Enron and other such calamities) and an equally sleazy New York Senator (Patrick Moynihan), we saw the passage of 1986 tax reform act with its section 1706.

For you who are unfamiliar, here is the core text of the IRS Section 1706, defining the treatment of workers (such as contract engineers) for tax purposes. Visit this link for a conference committee report (http://www.synergistech.com/1706.shtml#ConferenceCommitteeReport) regarding the intended interpretation of Section 1706 and the relevant parts of Section 530, as amended. For information on how these laws affect technical services workers and their clients, read our discussion here (http://www.synergistech.com/ic-taxlaw.shtml).

SEC. 1706. TREATMENT OF CERTAIN TECHNICAL PERSONNEL.

(a) IN GENERAL - Section 530 of the Revenue Act of 1978 is amended by adding at the end thereof the following new subsection:

(d) EXCEPTION. - This section shall not apply in the case of an individual who pursuant to an arrangement between the taxpayer and another person, provides services for such other person as an engineer, designer, drafter, computer programmer, systems analyst, or other similarly skilled worker engaged in a similar line of work.

(b) EFFECTIVE DATE. - The amendment made by this section shall apply to remuneration paid and services rendered after December 31, 1986.

Note:

·      "another person" is the client in the traditional job-shop relationship.

·      "taxpayer" is the recruiter, broker, agency, or job shop.

·      "individual", "employee", or "worker" is you.

 

Admittedly, you need to read the treatment to understand what it is saying but it’s not very complicated.  The bottom line is that they may as well have put my name right in the text of section (d).  Moreover, they could only have been more blunt if they would have came out and directly declared me a criminal and non-citizen slave.  Twenty years later, I still can’t believe my eyes.

During 1987, I spent close to $5000 of my ‘pocket change’, and at least 1000 hours of my time writing, printing, and mailing to any senator, congressman, governor, or slug that might listen; none did, and they universally treated me as if I was wasting their time.  I spent countless hours on the L.A. freeways driving to meetings and any and all of the disorganized professional groups who were attempting to mount a campaign against this atrocity.  This, only to discover that our efforts were being easily derailed by a few moles from the brokers who were just beginning to enjoy the windfall from the new declaration of their “freedom”.  Oh, and don’t forget, for all of the time I was spending on this, I was loosing income that I couldn’t bill clients.

After months of struggling it had clearly gotten to be a futile exercise.  The best we could get for all of our trouble is a pronouncement from an IRS mouthpiece that they weren’t going to enforce that provision (read harass engineers and scientists).  This immediately proved to be a lie, and the mere existence of the regulation began to have its impact on my bottom line; this, of course, was the intended effect.

Again, rewind my retirement plans back to 0 and shift them into idle.  If I had any sense, I clearly should have left abandoned engineering and never looked back.

Instead I got busy working 100-hour workweeks.  Then came the L.A. depression of the early 1990s.  Our leaders decided that they didn’t need the all of those extra Air Force bases they had in Southern California, so they were closed; just like that.  The result was economic devastation in the region that rivaled the widely publicized Texas S&L fiasco.  However, because the government caused it, no one gave a shit about all of the young families who lost their homes or street after street of boarded up houses abandoned to the wealthy loan companies who received government funds to “shore up” their windfall.  Again, I lost my retirement.

Years later, after weathering a divorce and the constant struggle trying to build some momentum with my business, I find myself once again beginning to finally pick up some speed.  Then came the .COM bust and the 911 nightmare.  Our leaders decided that all aircraft were grounded for what seemed like an eternity; and long after that, ‘special’ facilities like San Francisco were on security alert for months.  This made access to my customers prohibitively expensive.  Ironically, after what they had done the Government came to the aid of the airlines with billions of our tax dollars … as usual they left me to rot and die while they bailed out their rich, incompetent cronies WITH MY MONEY!  After these events, there went my business but not quite yet all of my retirement and savings.

By this time, I’m thinking that it might be good for a change.  Bye to California, I’ll try Austin for a while.  So I moved, only to find out that this is a place with a highly inflated sense of self-importance and where damn little real engineering work is done.  I’ve never experienced such a hard time finding work.  The rates are 1/3 of what I was earning before the crash, because pay rates here are fixed by the three or four large companies in the area who are in collusion to drive down prices and wages… and this happens because the justice department is all on the take and doesn’t give a fuck about serving anyone or anything but themselves and their rich buddies.

To survive, I was forced to cannibalize my savings and retirement, the last of which was a small IRA.  This came in a year with mammoth expenses and not a single dollar of income.  I filed no return that year thinking that because I didn’t have any income there was no need.  The sleazy government decided that they disagreed.  But they didn’t notify me in time for me to launch a legal objection so when I attempted to get a protest filed with the court I was told I was no longer entitled to due process because the time to file ran out.  Bend over for another $10,000 helping of justice.

So now we come to the present.  After my experience with the CPA world, following the business crash I swore that I’d never enter another accountant’s office again.  But here I am with a new marriage and a boatload of undocumented income, not to mention an expensive new business asset, a piano, which I had no idea how to handle.  After considerable thought I decided that it would be irresponsible NOT to get professional help; a very big mistake.

When we received the forms back I was very optimistic that they were in order.  I had taken all of the years information to Bill Ross, and he came back with results very similar to what I was expecting.  Except that he had neglected to include the contents of Sheryl’s unreported income; $12,700 worth of it. To make matters worse, Ross knew all along this was missing and I didn’t have a clue until he pointed it out in the middle of the audit.  By that time it had become brutally evident that he was representing himself and not me.

This left me stuck in the middle of this disaster trying to defend transactions that have no relationship to anything tax-related (at least the tax-related transactions were poorly documented).  Things I never knew anything about and things my wife had no clue would ever matter to anyone.  The end result is… well, just look around.

I remember reading about the stock market crash before the “great” depression and how there were wealthy bankers and businessmen jumping out of windows when they realized they screwed up and lost everything.  Isn’t it ironic how far we’ve come in 60 years in this country that they now know how to fix that little economic problem; they just steal from the middle class (who doesn’t have any say in it, elections are a joke) to cover their asses and it’s “business-as-usual”.  Now when the wealthy fuck up, the poor get to die for the mistakes… isn’t that a clever, tidy solution.

As government agencies go, the FAA is often justifiably referred to as a tombstone agency, though they are hardly alone.  The recent presidential puppet GW Bush and his cronies in their eight years certainly reinforced for all of us that this criticism rings equally true for all of the government.  Nothing changes unless there is a body count (unless it is in the interest of the wealthy sows at the government trough).  In a government full of hypocrites from top to bottom, life is as cheap as their lies and their self-serving laws.

I know I’m hardly the first one to decide I have had all I can stand.  It has always been a myth that people have stopped dying for their freedom in this country, and it isn’t limited to the blacks, and poor immigrants.  I know there have been countless before me and there are sure to be as many after.  But I also know that by not adding my body to the count, I insure nothing will change.  I choose to not keep looking over my shoulder at “big brother” while he strips my carcass, I choose not to ignore what is going on all around me, I choose not to pretend that business as usual won’t continue; I have just had enough.

I can only hope that the numbers quickly get too big to be white washed and ignored that the American zombies wake up and revolt; it will take nothing less.  I would only hope that by striking a nerve that stimulates the inevitable double standard, knee-jerk government reaction that results in more stupid draconian restrictions people wake up and begin to see the pompous political thugs and their mindless minions for what they are.  Sadly, though I spent my entire life trying to believe it wasn’t so, but violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer.  The cruel joke is that the really big chunks of shit at the top have known this all along and have been laughing, at and using this awareness against, fools like me all along.

I saw it written once that the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different.  I am finally ready to stop this insanity.  Well, Mr. Big Brother IRS man, let’s try something different; take my pound of flesh and sleep well.

 

The communist creed: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.

The capitalist creed: From each according to his gullibility, to each according to his greed.

 

Joe Stack (1956-2010)

02/18/2010

When I was a construction worker during my college days, I worked with a guy like that. Fortunately, he didn't know how to fly an airplane.

Why Is This Man Laughing?

Because he had just stripped naked and beaten a dog to death with his bare hands, of course (allegedly). Why else? You'd laugh, too, right?

Does the Nobel Committee Think That a Good Speech is Better Than an Accomplishment?

What has Barack Obama done to deserve a Nobel Peace Prize?

• Increase troop levels in Afghanistan?
• Remove peacekeeping forces in Iraq?
• Talk about nuclear disarmament without actually making progress toward it?
• Promise to close a POW camp without actually doing it?
• Apologize for the U.S. being a bad country from 2001 to 2009?
• Wish for better relations between Israel and Palestine?
• Let Iran build The Bomb?
• Let North Korea test long-range missiles without consequence?
• Invite a policeman and the black professor he arrested to the White House for a beer?
• Help South America get an Olympiad?
• Kill (almost) a boatload of pirates?
• Mention Darfur a few times?
• Give good speeches?
• Bomb the moon?

• Not be George W. Bush?

Good grief, he hadn't even been president for two weeks when he got nominated. I know he talks a good talk about world peace, but so do most beauty pageant winners. That's not Nobel Prize caliber achievement. Giving Barack Obama a Nobel Peace Prize at this stage in his presidency is the peace equivalent of giving a scientist a Nobel Prize in Physics for declaring that he is going to invent a teleportation device.

My esteem for the Nobel Peace Prize is gone.

Murder

 

Andrew Thomas Gallo, 22, of Riverside, the driver of the minivan accused of running a red light and causing the deaths of Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart, Courtney Stewart and Henry Pearson, and severely injuring Jon Wilhite, is being held without bail and is scheduled to be arraigned Monday for murder, vehicular manslaughter, felony hit and run, and drunken driving involving fatalities and great bodily injury. Hospital tests indicated that Gallo had a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit of 0.08, and he was driving on a suspended license after a previous drunken-driving conviction.

Keep me off that jury, judge, because I'm thoroughly convinced that this guy should spend the rest of his life in jail.

9/11 Fail

Who would buy a souvenir of the events of 9/11? How about a souvenir of the events of 9/11/2002? Still no takers?

Bonus: their business cards are upside down in the cardholder.

I had the same thing happen to me

The IRS seems to be sending out refunds, and then demanding back taxes in roughly the same amount. This guy got one for five cents and four cents. Mine was for a bit over $200. WTF?

Update on Angels Mother's Day Tote Case

In a case that I've followed for more than two years with some amusement, the California 4th District Court of Appeal has upheld a summary judgment against a disgruntled Angels fan who was pissed off that a Mother's Day promotion only gave free tote bags to adult women.

Michael Cohn appeals from summary judgment granted in favor of Corinthian Colleges, Inc. (Corinthian), and Angels Baseball LP (the Angels). He contends the Angels’ Mother’s Day tote bag giveaway violated the Unruh Civil Rights Act. (Civ. Code, §§ 51, 52; hereafter the Unruh Act.) We disagree and affirm the judgment.

As we will explain, the Unruh Act protects against intentional discrimination that is unreasonable, arbitrary, or invidious. This important piece of legislation provides a safeguard against the many real harms that so often accompany discrimination. For this reason, it is imperative we not denigrate its power and efficacy by applying it to manufactured injuries such as those alleged by the plaintiff in this case.

The only unfortunate thing about the opinion in Cohn v. Corinthian Colleges, Inc. (the sponsor of the giveaway), is that the opinion is unpublished. Maybe I'll file a request for publication.

Oh, and I'm still not that kind of lawyer.

The case has been ordered published. Thank, among others, the folks at Budweiser, who requested that this case be published to establish a precedent that this sort of crap isn't the kind of discrimination the law was intending to prohibit.

Angels Mother's Day Tote Giveaway Declared Lawful - Again

In a case that I've followed for more than two years with some amusement, the California 4th District Court of Appeal has unheld a summary judgment against a disgruntled Angels fan who was pissed off that a Mother's Day promotion only gave free tote bags to adult women.

Michael Cohn appeals from summary judgment granted in favor of Corinthian Colleges, Inc. (Corinthian), and Angels Baseball LP (the Angels). He contends the Angels’ Mother’s Day tote bag giveaway violated the Unruh Civil Rights Act. (Civ. Code, §§ 51, 52; hereafter the Unruh Act.) We disagree and affirm the judgment.

As we will explain, the Unruh Act protects against intentional discrimination that is unreasonable, arbitrary, or invidious. This important piece of legislation provides a safeguard against the many real harms that so often accompany discrimination. For this reason, it is imperative we not denigrate its power and efficacy by applying it to manufactured injuries such as those alleged by the plaintiff in this case.

The only unfortunate thing about the opinion in Cohn v. Corinthian Colleges, Inc. (the sponsor of the giveaway), is that the opinion is unpublished. Maybe I'll file a request for publication.

Oh, and I'm still not that kind of lawyer.

Wow, My $800,000 Package is Waiting for me in Lagos!

Some Nigerian tried this scam to cheat me out of $250. After I sent a couple of confusing emails to him, he finally gave up. Here's the attempt:

 

FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, WEST AFRICA.

 

Mr.James Kelvin

Dispatch Director.
Tel:+ 234-80565-14425

 

Attn: lex icon,  

 

I had a phone conversation with MRS SUSAN JONES and she asked us to contact you with via this email which she gave to us. I have been awaiting for you to contact me for the delivery of your check of $800,000,00. You can as well come down to this branch to pick up your package or even send someone to pick it up on your behalf. More so, the phone number works perfectly and I will advise you cross the number again as it is below this mail.

There is this MRS SUSAN JONES .who came to our company last week to place your check on out going delivery, she already paid for the insurance fee and the delivery charges. But she did not pay for the security keeping fee due to the fact that we did not know when you will be contacting us via mail to inform us that we have your check, so we advised her not to pay for the security keeping fee of the courier company so far but we informed her to contact you on time so you will not have to pay more than $250 USD on demurrage and we do not operate COD on a charge like this.

All you need to do right now to get your check delivered to your door step is to go ahead and pay the security keeping fee of the courier company so far.The fee is $250.00 USD only, you are to come up with this fee as to process the delivery of your package.

 

Payment should be made via western union money transfer only for security purpose, payment details are listed below.

FIRST NAME:  MR. OBAS

LAST NAME:    KELLY

ADDRESS: Lagos, Nigeria
TEXT QUESTION: BEST COLOUR
ANSWER: WHITE

The following details should send after payment to this email address.

Sender's Name:
Sender's Country:
Sender's Address:
MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number):
Text Question:
Text Answer:
Amount Sent: $250 USD

Note that you are also required to send to us your full/correct Residential Address,Country,Names,Phone number,Age,Occupation.Please be warned.You will be needed to sign on the parcel that will be delivered to you  with a legal means of identification.i.e a drivers license or a national identity card.You are to take note to avoid any form of embarrassment from our dispatch officer who will be coming to your country.

 

Get back to me with your payment details, I will have to send Mrs Susan Jones a mail that you have contacted me regarding the check she left for you. Note that your tracking number would be provided to you as soon as the payment has been made and confirmed by us.

 

Have a wonderful time. Please call me anytime you need any assistance.

 

 

Mr. James Kelvin
Dispatch Director.
Tel: +2348056514425

P.S:

Below is the display image of your package on my desk ready for instant dispatchment.

 

====================

The funniest part is that the dude cuts and pastes from a scamalert website. If you check the source data for this post, you'll see all the places the guy cut and pasted from, including

http://www.dailyscamalerts.com/archives/new-scam-found.htm

It's Idiots Like This Who Make Our Laws

A judge threw out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, on the ground that the defendant cannot be served. The plaintiff, State Senator Ernie Chambers, sought a permanent injunction against God for causing "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." He claims the suit was intended to demonstrate that anyone can sued anyone for anything.

In the dismissal order, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk wrote that "Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice." Weird, right? It gets weirder.

Chambers, who graduated from law school but never took the bar exam, believes he found a basis for appeal in that order.

"The court itself acknowledges the existence of God. A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God's omniscience. Since God knows everything, God has notice of this lawsuit."

Sorry, Ernie. Acknowledging the existence of God is not the same as acknowledging that omniscience of God. You can acknowledge the existence of God without believing that God pays attention to the goings on of Earthlings, much less believing that God knows all and sees all. In other words, "God exists, therefore God knows about my lawsuit" is a great big logical failure.

Methinks I know why Chambers never took the bar exam. A man has to know his limits.

O.J. Did It!

Happy 13th anniversary, O.J., of your acquittal for the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. To celebrate, we let the jurors in your current kidnapping and robbery trial deliberate late into the evening. To everyone's joy, they returned a verdict before midnight. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Multiple serious felonies. O.J. Simpson is a convicted felon. He is in custody. Unless his conviction is reversed on appeal, he might live the rest of his life in prison.

Justice delayed is justice denied, but it's better than no justice at all.

More on the Mortgage Mess - With Video

Someone else did a better job of pointing out the root cause of this mortgage mess than I did on Friday.

Memo to Sarah Palin, next time Katie Couric lobs you a softball like asking when, oh when, did John McCain propose more regulation, tell her "How about 'The Housing Enterprise Regulatory Act of 2005' Senate Bill S-190, Katie. That might have even prevented dis whole mess."

Math Ignorance Can Make Us All Rich, Right?

Someone out there started an email that is spreading like wildfire. It begins like this:

I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I ’ m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

D'oh! Nobody told the author of this plan that there would be math expectations among his readers. He made the math simple, but not simple enough for him. You see, $85 billion divided among 200 million people actually works out to $425, not $425,000. That's a pretty big difference, even if you round up. I'm too busy right now to try to figure out where this thing started, but I have a pretty good idea which one of my aunts is busy forwarding that email to everyone she knows.

The email I got that did make some sense to me is this one:

Dear Friend,

Congress is on the brink of making a one-sided deal to give George W. Bush a blank check to bail out his pals - offering nearly (or perhaps more than) a trillion taxpayer dollars to Wall Street to cover its bad debts. That works out to somewhere between $2000 and $5000 from every American family. So what do the taxpayers get in return?

Nothing. No new regulation or oversight to help avoid this kind of crisis in the future. No public interest givebacks to help people whose homes are in the hands of the banks. Perhaps most shockingly of all, the taxpayers get absolutely no share in the profits if and when these finance giants bounce back, even though we are now assuming a great deal of the risk.

This is worse than a bad deal - this isn't a deal at all. This is a blank check to some of the richest companies in the world.

I just signed a petition calling on key members of Congress to impose a few sensible conditions to this bailout in order to protect the American people -- I hope you will too.

Please have a look and take action.

http://act.credoaction.com/campaign/no_blank_check/?r_by=-1076525-vy0QYTx&rc=paste 

Thanks!

I'd almost consider not deleting that one.

No Publicity is bad publicity

Did you see this ad in the L.A. Times? UCLA and its coach, my old USC law school classmate, got a bad case of Trojan envy. Here's what the ad should have said.