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Five events I would go back in time to see

Since I like a good train wreck as much as the next guy, here are five more things I would like to go back in time to see:

1. Jimmy Hoffa's abduction
2. The attack on Pearl Harbor
3. The signing of the Declaration of lndependence.
4. The siege of the Alamo
5. The last four hours of the Titanic

I'd want a good hiding spot from which to watch #4. For that matter, probably #1, too.

The 10 People At The Club

I hadn't been clubbing in a long time, but I got a chance to go to the Crazy Whores Crazy Horse recently. It was fun, in that there was a lot of good music, including a live band that did really good covers of a shockingly broad range of hit music, and there was drinking. Oh yes, there was drinking.

The one thing that struck me the most, however, was that with all the hundreds of people in the house, it really boiled down to about ten people who we kept seeing over and over and over again. In no particular order, they were:

The sad old dude dancing by himself.

The unsexy people who love dirty dancing.

The dude who keeps grabbing his own crotch.

The drunk dude with the Jim Rome goatee who can barely walk.

The black dude who's looking to make inverse oreos with two girls.

The chicks wearing their underwears on the outside.

The slutty pseudolesbians.

The chick who is way too fat for that outfit.

The chick who is way too skinny for those boobs.

The chick who would look like Mandy Moore if Mandy Moore ate 6 McDonald's supersize meals a day for two months.

Aside from those ten people over and over again, there were only about 20 of the rest of us.

Ten Things I Don't Want For Father's Day

I'm sure very few of you are wondering what to get me for Father's Day. But if you are one of the few, start by not getting me any of this crap.

1. A research paper on the lack of relationship between vehicle damage and occupant injury. Like I've said before, I'm not that kind of lawyer.
2. The bi-bottle. The name sounds unfatherlike.
3. Knives taken from would-be terrorists.
4. Sac-Free underwear. Where I come from, the balls go inside the shorts.
5. A Viagra money pot. For that matter, anything Viagra related.
6. The mold stain on some dude's bathroom wall, even if it looks like Jesus.
7. Pretty much anything with a fish on it.
8. Any sort of castrating tool. If we have more kids, we have more kids.
9. Pistons tickets.
10. And finally, anything UCLA, except maybe this.

Last Minute Gifts For Mom

If you still didn't get your mom anything good, you might want to try some of these gift ideas, but remember, last minute gifts aren't always the best:

1. If mom likes to cook, the apron of flesh might be a winner.

2. A nice new bird doll might be appreciated.

3. Only the richest children can afford the runaway bride on a piece of toast.

4. One John Paul II trading card just sold for $8,000. This limited edition 20-card set can be had for $11.95. And if she heard the first story, mom might think you spent $160,000 on the set.

5. If mom's mailbox has been used for mailbox baseball recently, a skunk-oil mailbox might be of some use to her.

6. If mom needs a new purse, and her cat is already dead, this could be nice.

7. If mom has been complaining about those new red light cameras on her way to work, this might be just the ticket.

8. If mom thinks her house sucks, you can buy her this pneumatic elevator and it really will!

9. Mom can record almost anything and plug it into this motion detector. My mom would have liked to stick this outside the bathroom with a little "Did you remember to put the seat down?" recording.

10. And finally, if your mom has been investigated by child protective services too many times, she might really appreciate a FOYODFF sticker.

If you're already set for Mother's Day, it's never to soon to start thinking about Father's Day. For example, I don't know what in the world these things are, but I know that I want one. Hint, hint....

Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If The Supermarket Sold Sex

Friend poses the question: "what would it be like if you could buy whatever you wanted at the supermarket, like sex?"

10. Some men would never want to buy groceries again. After all, they can get it for free whenever they want it.
9. Product packaging: less really would equal more.
8. There would be millions of internet grocers all of a sudden.
7. Nobody would give real information on their application for a Value Club card.
6. Stores that closed at 10:00 p.m. would go broke.
5. More men would clip coupons.
4. No one would want his picture in the newspaper receiving a prize for being the millionth shopper.
3. Not everyone would want a supermarket in their neighborhood.
2. It would be embarrassing to have your neighbors see you standing in the express lane.
1. Squeezing the melons before purchase would be more vigorously policed.

Ten More Things To Do Before I Die

1. Explore a deep dark cave
2. Pick a bucket of cherries
3. See a tornado or waterspout, preferably from a distance
4. Go whale watching
5. See a total eclipse of the sun
6. Apprehend a suspect
7. Jump off a pier, preferably not to avoid a waterspout
8. Watch the ball fall on New Year's Eve in NYC
9. Drink in a real Irish pub in Ireland
10. Watch a football game in every Pac-10 stadium

Number of Times, 0 to 5

0: The number of times I've been to jail as an inmate.
1: The number of times I've been detained and handcuffed.
2: The number of college degrees I hold.
3: The number of different ways I've been able to sneak into Disneyland at no cost, and without permission.
4: The number of Rose Bowls I have attended.
5: The number of days I spent in kindergarten.

Ten More Things You Can Learn Online (5)

Since I'm not longer in school, the only way to learn new things on a regular basis is the Discovery Channel, the History Channel, the Travel Channel, and the Internet. Here are ten things I learned from the Internet recently.

1. Start with this article, which details some of the most enduring PC myths and sets them straight. For example, you should run your laptop battery down to zero as often as possible, so that the recharge will be as thorough as possible, right? Mmmmaybe not.

2. Hacking a password is made easier when the mark selects a frequently used password. Check yours against this list. If you see your password, change it.

3. But you probably do not need to hack anyone's password to steal wifi from unshielded sources in and around your town.

4. Megan's Law databases are increasingly available online. California has excellent online access.

5. The lawsuit crisis is pure myth. Lawsuits are less common than ever in our lifetimes, and most of them are brought by businesses, not individuals.

6. There is an art, and, almost, a science, to choosing a proper first name for your baby. Before you just blurt out something like "LaJennica" you might want to read up a bit.

7. That junky old cell phone that you threw in a drawer last year is worth money to some people.

8. Read some suggestions about how you, having been thoroughly annoyed by a telemarketer, might return the favor.

9. Free process information online from the Process Library.

10. I hope that, like the art of mastering sine and cosine, this lesson never finds any practical use in your future, but here goes: how to maximize your chance of surviving a freefall without a parachute.

The good news is that you will never be tested on any of the above subjects, unless you are ever thrown out of a helicopter or airplane with nothing on your back, in which case your situation could be considered a test of your recollection of that last lesson.

Five Things I'm Glad I Learned By Watching The Mistakes of Others

1. That little dude who isn't afraid of you has a weapon.

2. Those little plastic lane separators that look like you can destroy with your fancy new car will actually slap your hood with about ten dents a second if you run them over doing 70 mph.

3. If you call a judge "dude," you will not win your motion, no matter how sincere your apology.

4. When the guy riding shotgun is blowing chunks out his window, roll up that back window as fast as you can.

5. That hooker in the Tijuana bar who shoved her hands down everyone's pants was just looking for money.

10 Reasons Why 1984 Ruled

As 2004 draws to a close, I look back and think it was a very good year. But it was not as good as my favorite year ever -- 1984. Here are ten reasons why I loved 1984:

1.  Movies: "The Terminator" and Splash launched the two best acting careers of the next two decades: Arnold and Tom Hanks.

2.  Nudies: For the first time ever, you could buy naked pictures of Miss America at any liquor store.

3.  Computers: I got to try out the Macintosh computer, after watching the best Super Bowl ad ever. It ruled my world until Microsoft finally starting coming around with Windows.

4.  The Los Angeles Olympics: Russia stayed home and left all the gold medals to us and Mary Lou Retton.

5.  The birth of alternative music: the Cure, the Smiths, Depeche Mode, New Order, REM, Frankie, the Bronski Beat, Thompson Twins and others dominated the college radio format and KROQ. I went to my first KROQ concerts that summer.

6.  Politics: Ronald Reagan ruled the free world.

7.  Basketball: The renewal of the Lakers-Celtics rivalry and the best ever NBA draft brought the NBA back from the Sonics-Bullets doldrums. Hakeem Olajuwon, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, John Stockton and Sam Perkins entered the league in the same season. Am I forgetting anyone great?

8.  College football: USC won the Pac-10 and went on to beat Ohio State in the Rose Bowl; Doug Flutie threw the Hail Mary pass that beat Miami. And we saw it all on that new fangled cable channel, ESPN.

9.  Network TV: NBC Thursday night TV featured Cosby, Family Ties, Cheers and Hill Street Blues. SNL still had Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Martin Short, Jim Belushi and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.

10. MTV: We wanted our MTV and got it: everything from Thriller, Billie Jean (pre-child molesting days), Legs, Jump, Madonna, U2 and Duran Duran, that blind sculptor girl in Hello, and Wham UK were chick magnets who were still believed to be straight.

Ten More Christmas Gifts You Probably Hadn't Even Considered

You still haven't finished shopping yet? I'm running out of ideas, but you might want to try one of these.

21.  The family jewels.

22.  A T-shirt for that flaming heterosexual in the family.

23.  Masculine girl dolls in comfortable shoes.

24.  I'm not sure any of these men are for sale, per se, but they're available.

25.  A cell phone jammer.

26.  If the dairy semen from a few days ago didn't hit the spot, try some pork juice.

27.  Don't buy this pelvic exam trainer for your lonely boy unless he's in med school.

28.  Skunk shot is a great gift for that dog-hater in the neighborhood.

29.  Flash cards that are more expressive than the finger.

30.  If you are out of time to shop, just wrap some trash and tell them you bought it here.

More Christmas Gifts You Probably Hadn't Even Considered

Here are ten more gift ideas that probably won't help.

11.  If she can't find Mr. Wonderful, you can at least score her a Mr. Wonderful doll.

12.  An exploding chocolate bomb.

13.  The candy G-string, is, arguably, the bomb.

14.  A personalized pub sign.

15.  I didn't know who he was with, but he got me this cool horse's head pillow.

16.  The best dairy semen is found only under the best Christmas trees.

17.  If you don't care enough to splurge on brand new condoms, try some gently used ones.

18.  The H2 golf cart.

19.  The Dubya Christmas ornament. Red states only, please.

20.  For the reader on your list, a strategy guide for Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Christmas Gifts You Probably Hadn't Even Considered

If you are running out of gift ideas, these probably won't help, but maybe you are buying for somebody strange. Would you consider:

1.  A brand new home. Made of cardboard.

2.  I don't know what a cunt-up is, but you can get it at Target.

3.  The shirt as dark as your soul.

4.  Flatulence control for your dog.

5.  Chuck little kitties with the Cat-a-Pult.

6.  Apparel with a "CBS Lies" theme.

7.  Suicide bomber Barbie.

8.  Veggie Tales nativity scene.

9.  How did I ever live without a talking hot dog condiment holder?

10.  For the reader on your list, "The Virgin Bride Said Wow."

Ten More Things You Can Learn Online (4)

1. You can probably guess correctly in one or two tries, but this page will teach you what a death mask is.

2. Do you lay awake at night worrying about what would happen to your beach house if an asteroid struck the water? Stop worrying, you'll be dead long before then. On the other hand, woe to you if a volcanic shelf falls into the sea from the Canary Islands. Are you familiar with the term "mega-tsunami?"

3. You've heard it. You've detected it. You've felt it. But do you really understand flatulence?

4. Are you flabby? Would you like to get into shape to run a 5K? Here's the plan.

5. Who's in charge?

6. Where does the fear of Friday the 13th come from?

7. Before you take up sword-swallowing as a hobby or profession, you'll need to familiarize yourself with this stuff.

8. The beer belly is a myth. Drinkers tend to be thinner than non-drinkers.

9. A list and description of common errors in modern English usage can be found here. My pet peeve is the use of "supposably."

10. The next time someone complains about violence in modern fiction, remind them of the myriad atrocities and evil depicted in Bible stories. Just because it's in the story doesn't mean that the reader would conclude that it would be good to do it.

Ten More Things You Can Learn Online (3)

1. Your snobby friend says it has that certain je ne sais quoi. You want to know what the hell je ne sais quoi is. Here you go.

2. Want to see some really nice diamonds?

3. Is your blog getting a lot of hits? Perhaps you could whore it out for some ad revenue.

4. You've heard people complain about hammer toes, and you think "what is a hammer toe?" Think no more. Just read.

5. Accuweather has a graph of all of the lightning strikes in the U.S. for the previous hour. So when your house gets hit, you can find it on the map.

6. Have you ever wondered what is on those magnetic stripes in your wallet?

7. Did you ever suffer a theft of something great? It might show up on eBay.

8. This article would have earned an A on this final exam essay: Many people believe that the end of time will happen during their lives. Discuss.

9. Do you have a bunch of Taco Bell hot sauce laying around the car or in the kitchen drawers? Do you have a bunch of dirty pennies in a jar? Kill two birds with one stone.

10. I make no warranties, representations or assurances, but check this out. What if it works?

Now That The Campaigning Is Over

Here are ten phrases that I really need a break from:

10. Flip-flop.
9. The internets.
8. I voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it.
7. Americans are faced with a choice.
6. Wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.
5. Roll back the tax cuts.
4. The problem is with the trial lawyers and their frivolous lawsuits.
3. I have a better plan.
2. This is the most important election of our lifetime.
1. Kiss my Michael Moore.

If pressed, I could probably come up with about 40 more.

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Addendum:

Post-election phrase that I'm already sick of: "A nation divided."

Ten More Things You Can Learn Online (2)

1. Which states are red and which ones are blue today?

2. Tips for guys who want to date models. 21 in all.

3. Kerry flip-flops. You knew that. But so does George.

4. How long can the male gender expect to survive? If you answered 11 million years, you're optimistic.

5. Scientists explain why they think they've found Noah's old neighborhood.

6. Did you know that Lynne Cheney wrote some girlie homo-erotic novelas in the 1980s?

7. If you follow Darwinism, you may puzzle over the heredity of gayness. Puzzle no more.

8. Pet Tarantulas may be cool, but don't mess with a Brown Recluse Spider.

9. Urban Dictionary: the place to go to learn what "fo shizzle ma nizzle" means.

10. If you follow Darwinism, you may understand why revenge seems to be instinctive. Here's the science behind it.

Five Things I Would Like To See With My First Time Machine

1. The Kennedy Assassination (3 times, from 3 different viewpoints)
2. Jesus's tomb, all night Saturday, and all morning Sunday.
3. The sacking of Rome.
4. Moses's last argument with Pharoah.
5. Any random dinosaur feast attended by a T. Rex.

Ten Things I've Eaten

I saw this interesting website about strange foods from around the world. It made me feel very plain. I am not a vegan. I have eaten lots and lots of animals. But nothing really, really weird.

I've eaten dozens of different beasts with gills -- everything from orange roughy, cod, snapper, mackerel, yellowtail, swordfish, yellowfin, dolphin, mako shark, halibut, salmon, trout, catfish, bass, squid, octopus, clam, mussel, conch, urchin, lobster, shrimp, crab. That's....that's about it.

The list of land species is not very long: cow, pig, chicken, turkey, lamb, goose, duck, plus the following ten interesting and unusual meals:

1. Sea Turtle;
2. Alligator;
3. Ostrich;
4. Rhea;
5. Snails;
6. Emu;
7. Buffalo;
8. Deer;
9. Goat; and
10. Some disgusting crap that looked like the eels that crawled into people's ears in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

I've never eaten rattlesnake, bear, tiger, elephant, squirrel, antelope, kangaroo, camel or rabbit, but I would. I've never eaten horse, dog, cat, mule, mouse or possum, and I never will unless I am starving in the middle of nuclear winter.

Ten More Things to Learn OnLine (1)

It's been a busy day. It was my first day back at the office since Wednesday. It was my Dad's birthday. I had a depo and I'm just a week away from my next trial. I was too busy to learn anything new today.

If you don't learn something new every day, it's like you die a little. I don't want that. So I went out and learned ten things on line.

1. Everyone knows that USC has been to the Rose Bowl many times. But few people know that Tulane and Navy have been there, too. And Pac-10 doormat Arizona never has. For a complete list, check this link out.

2. Scientists trying to determine the origin of man sometimes turn to the study of human head lice for answers. Not definitive answers, but answers nonetheless.

3. The Gators are the best team to play for if you want to be a great wide receiver. Tennessee and USC are not bad, either.

4. Energy is like the "money" of nature; it comes in two different currencies, and with an enormous exchange rate - the square of the speed of light. But wait, there's more.

5. If you are that one guy from gym class who needs to shave his butt, but you don't know how, you just scored the jackpot of butt-shaving information.

6. The F Word is not necessarily bad to say at work. Unless your idea of the F Word is "freakin", because you are a good Christian and you think God is fooled by your little play on words. In that case, your F word will thoroughly annoy everyone around you.

7. There are two popular alternatives to avoiding spyware. Both are discussed here.

8. There is yet another contraceptive choice for women who want a one-percent chance to be shocked and devastated to learn that they are pregnant.

9. Some people love their rats so much, that when the doctor says so, they will perform an enema on said rat to ease its discomfort. Oh, and their buddy will take pictures.

10. If you worry about what to expect in a bioterrorist strike with, says, ricin, the California Department of Health Services has a page to educate you. Now, isn't your mind more at ease?

I know mine is. But that's mostly just the wine and the flu medicine kicking in.

Ten Things I Learned On The Internet

1. Someday Cumbre Vieja volcano is going to erupt. When it does, it is going to drop a chunk of land into the ocean that is going to send a 300 foot wall of water onto the Eastern seaboard. Slip that in just below Nuclear Winter and Giant Asteroid Strikes the Earth, on your list of doomsday events to fear in the middle of the night.

2. Sometime in the next 600,000 years, Yellowstone is going to erupt in the most violent volcanic explosion ever known to man. Theoretically, it could happen within a few weeks, but some experts opine that it won't happen until 100,000 to 600,000 years from now. For now, you can safely enjoy the geysers after finding out how they work.

3. From Mike Garrett, to OJ Simpson, to Ricky Bell, to Anthony Davis, to Charles White, to Marcus Allen to Reggie Bush, USC has the richest tradition in college football if you are a fan of the running back.

4. Al Qaeda is hoping to screw up the November elections.

5. Some people have faces that betray their lies. Other liars get away with stuff.

6. Skydiving, rockclimbing, gangbanging and pissing off OJ Simpson get all the attention. But some of the most dangerous things we face include unsanitary desks, hot dishwasher interiors with broken glass, holy water parasites and hard, heavy top-shelf decorations are much more likely to kill you.

7. Even with a low-carb diet lime slice, Corona Light is the worst beer known to man.

8. Getting rich is not just a matter of luck. There are methods to becoming rich.

9. We are only three weeks away from the big 6.4 Southern California quake. If the prediction turns out to be a dud (and it was made by a UCLA man, so take it with a grain of salt), here's a new potential method for spotting the next great temblor.

10. At least 278 people don't know how to spell correlating. That is fewer, though, than the number of people who use "supposably" as a word.

Five More Interesting Things

1. A survey of 100 inmates, whose crimes ranged from murder to drug possession, asked what they thought was the biggest deterrent to prevent a house from being burglarized. Their answers were listed here: I've been robbed.

2. Some people fall from the roof of a one-story house and die. Other people fall from thousands of feet up, without parachutes (or, at least, without parachutes that work) and live to tell about it. An interesting treatise on non-lethal freefalls can be found here.

3. Being fairly narcissistic, I am often surprised to find out that other people dug stuff even before I starting to dig it. Take, for example, beer. Apparently, it goes way back, to a time long before I started drinking the stuff. To learn all about the history of beer, check out the Beer Institute.

4. When I've enjoyed a few beers, I sometimes like to throw boomerangs around. If I don't have my boomerangs with me, and need to make a new one, I can just click my mouse over here and start from scratch.

5. Are you a superstitious person? Did you ever wonder whether you are observing the correct superstitions? I did. But not any more.

They don't teach this stuff in school. But they should.

Five Things I Know Now That I Didn't Know Then.

1. Phenylethylamine is a chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. It increases your pulse rate and your energy level, and gives you a pleasant, dreamy feeling. So far, tobacco companies have been unable to synthesize it and stick it into cigarettes. But not for lack of trying.

2. California's grizzlies died off before my grandparents were born. The last wild grizzly bear in California was killed in 95 years ago. Surprisingly, it was not in a national park or a remote forest. It was in Trabuco Canyon, just a few miles from my urban home.

3. Jim Morrison's grave is inscribed with the words "kata ton aaimona eaytoy", which, I am told, means "burn your own demon." That's not what I would have expected to find on Morrison's grave.

4. Parts per million of alcohol can be important to track: the average person vomits at around 1.2, loses consciousness at 3.0, and stops breathing at about 4.0.

5. Genius Sir Isaac Newton once stared at the Sun for "as long as he could bear" (whatever that means) just to see what effect it would have on his eyes. After a few days in a dark room, he was okay. I would call him a dumbass, but if I did, I fear my high school physics teacher would emerge from her grave and smack me in the ear with a ruler.

Ten Things I Don't Miss From My Childhood

In no particular order:

1. The baseball cards and stuff that came with that gum that was coated with white powder.

2. Roller skates that you had to strap onto regular shoes.

3. Aftermarket automobile air conditioning units.

4. Cigarette smoke in every building on the planet.

5. Metal lunchboxes with the thermos that stunk of sour milk by mid-October.

6. A black and white TV in the living room, with rabbit ears.

7. The Cold War and corresponding nuclear attack drills.

8. Odd and even days for buying gasoline.

9. Pull tab aluminum cans. Metal cuts are way worse than paper cuts.

10. Corduroy jackets.

Five Fans In Attendance Who Annoyed Me

At the Lakers-Pistons game, I detested these fans, listed in no particular order:

1. The Reluctant Attention Whore: If you go to the game with face paint and a crazy hat, and they put your face up on the big screen, don't duck and hide as if you weren't looking for attention.

2. The Unwanted Attention Whore: If you are sitting near someone interesting, and they are put on the screen, don't jump up and wave at the camera. We weren't looking at you.

3. The Jersey Grabber: If you are on the screen, don't grab your jersey and pull it up to your chin. We can see it just fine the normal way.

4. The Aging Whore: If you are old enough to remember Kennedy being shot -- either of them -- you should not wear a leather miniskirt to the game.

5. The Non-Student of the Game: To the dude with the Bob McAdoo Pistons jersey: McAdoo hated his two seasons in Detroit. In 1980-81, he played in only six games for the Pistons before they waived him. Both of his championships rings say "Lakers" on them.

Honorable Mention: The clowns in my section who yell "Can you dig it?" when Shaq shoots a free throw. He misses it every time they do that.

Fans I liked:

1. Michael Clark Duncan.
2. Dick Van Dyke, singing the National Anthem.
3. Magic, Kareem and Worthy.
4. The rapper in the turquoise three piece suit (was that William Drayton?)
5. Some dude I saw in a commercial one time.

In Detroit, 67% of local fans think the Pistons are going to win this series.

Blogging has hit the NBA Finals. The NBA has an official blog of the Finals. And the Pistons have their own blog. If the Lakers have one, I haven't found it. Maybe I should volunteer.

I loved this quote from Pat Riley: "I have Lakers blood flowing through my veins. I owe my basketball life to them. When I retire, I am going to move back to Los Angeles and pay $85,000 to get courtside seats to watch them play. I will always root for the Lakers." I miss that guy.

I loved this one, from Chuck Daly, almost as much: "This guy [Shaquille O’Neal] is very amusing to me. People keep giving the MVP during the season to these other people. But then when we get to the Finals, people are all scared to death of him. They put three guys on him. He is going to be a deciding factor."

The "Kiss Me" feature on the big screen was boring last night. So was the "Ask Jeeves" feature. You know what I want them to ask Jeeves? Why does the Pistons logo have a horse on it?

A Bad Weekend

Reasons Why This Weekend Sucked (in chronological order):

1. Ronald Reagan died. (This, in and of itself, was enough to sadden the whole weekend, and then some.)

2. Smarty Jones lost to Birdstone.

3. The rat got away. (If you've seen or read it, you know what I mean.)

4. The Lakers were owned by the Pistons.

5. The cable went out with nine minutes left in the Sopranos Season Finale. I'll have to wait until tomorrow night to see the closing minutes.

Five Untrustworthy Types

Five kinds of people I do not ever trust:

1. Disgraced Nigerian Politicians.

2. Claims Adjusters.

3. Chiropractors.

4. Lap Dancers.

5. Scientologists.

Five Recent Discoveries

Five recent discoveries I made without even trying:

1. If you overcook your chicken wings and stick them in the refrigerator for two days, they will take on the appearance of 2,000-year-old mummified flesh.

2. They will taste pretty bad, too.

3. Those back bumper object sensors are less precise than the salesman makes them sound. Luckily, you can confirm this during a thorough test drive.

4. If you respond to any emails from shady Nigerian businessmen, even if only to tell them to piss off, you will get a lot more emails from shady Nigerian businessmen.

5. The later into the evening it gets, the more that goldfish in a bowl looks, out of the corner of your eye, like a mouse running across the fireplace mantel.