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What the Hell, Take the Credit

After poor ratings and a complaint letter from a lawyers group, NBC has canceled Bad Judge. Put another way, because of poor ratings, and entirely coincidental to a lawyers group hating the show, NBC has canceled Bad Judge.

In related news, after extremely low ratings, plus harsh criticism by me, Fox canceled its reality show Utopia.

The Best of David Letterman's Crazy Guests

If you missed Joaquin Phoenix's appearance on Letterman Wednesday, you missed out. I'm sure he was putting us on, but it was awesome nonetheless:

Here's a clip of the appearance Dave was referencing when he apologized to Farrah Fawcett:

Here is the infamous Crispin Glover appearance, which is one of the strangest things ever on live TV:

Here is the infamous Madonna appearance, where she got all.

The Drew Barrymore Happy Birthday flash:

One of my favorites was the Borat appearance:

What a Loser

It only took me about 45 minutes to get through the two-hour final of the Biggest Loser. The one player I liked won it, so I liked the episode. What I liked best about the episode, however, was the beginning.
They let viewers decide which of two players would compete in the three-person final, and the two from whom we chose were a married couple: Heba and Ed.

Heba was, in my opinion, quite unlikable. In the closing minutes of the penultimate episode, she and Ed went into a room to plead their case for why America should vote them into the final. Heba droned on about how she deserved it, and "pick me" yada, yada, yada. Ed went in and said how Heba deserved it and please, America, pick Heba.

America said "Thanks for the advice, Ed, but we no like your wife. See you in the finals." Fully 84% voted for Ed. We don't like it when people tell us how to vote.

Ginger or Mary Jane?

Heh. For a 69-year-old, however, Dawn Wells looks pretty good. Mebbe da reefer keeps you young, eh?

RIP Boyd Coddington

Boyd Coddington's funeral is this morning at Our Lady of Guadalupe, in La Habra. I used to go to Mass there a lot when I was younger, but since moving south 14 years ago, I only get there every once in a while. The last time I went there was for my cousin Bob's funeral in April 2005.

The Never-Aired Gilligan Pilot

I'll be on a boat tonight. To get myself in the mood, I watched this earlier. It's the original pilot episode of Gilligan's Island. Had they gone with the original concept, there would be no Ginger v. Mary Ann argument. It would be Ginger and Bunny. Anyhow, enjoy.

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The Return of Rosie?

To borrow a line from Happy Gilmore, "the price is wrong, bitch."

It Wasn't My Cable

Did anyone else jump up at the end of the Soprano's in a panic, thinking that the dog had just stepped on the remote or something? Read an article with spoilers here, if you wish.

Save the Black Donnellys

NBC may have cancelled it, but you can still watch the Black Donnellys on the Internet. Tonight's episode was another great one, leading up to the season finale (and probably the series finale) that will be available next Monday at the Black Donnellys website. It's a shame that this show won't be around, because I'm enjoying it even more than the Sopranos.

There are a bunch of petitions online seeking to save the show, including this, this and this. Quite a few fans have created a blog devoted to saving the show. One devoted fan at the thefirecrackerlounge.com suggests that every Monday, fans call these numbers and leave a message:

   1. Lesley Cerwin Director of NBC Entertainment (818) 840-3980
   2. Morgan Steffano (Leslie Cerwin’s Coordinator) (818) 840-4276.
   3. Victoria Brody/ press manager (212) 664-5276
   4. NBC Comment line (212) 664-4444

I'm not that devoted. But it is a really good drama, well worth keeping, even if it needs time to build momentum. The rumor spreading at some sites is that NBC is waiting to see how it's other new shows do before deciding whether to roundfile the Black Donnellys. Unfortunately for me, when the Neilson ratings people came to my neighborhood, they were looking to recruit a family without kids. Not being able to meet their particular demographic needs at that time, I missed out on the chance to disregard every other NBC program in the hopes that the Donnellys might get back on the air. With the Sopranos leaving HBO in another four or five episodes, maybe Showtime or HBO can pick up the show, loosen up the language and images and really let the story go.

Irish Mob TV

I have a new favorite TV show: The Black Donnellys.

Idol Wraps Up a Great Season

American Idol wrapped up another great season last night by naming the 12 male finalists and 12 female finalists for this year's contest. Technically, there are still plenty of episodes left, but for those audience members who, like me, only watch to see the train wrecks, there's pretty much nothing left to see.

The funny part is that I know the parts I watch are bullshit. It's a show. Reality? It's a staged reality. I really enjoyed this article by an AP writer (one in a real band, no less) who auditioned and showed how it really goes for the 11,980 out of 12,000 auditioners who show up in each venue and never made it to our television sets. I saw another article, but lost the link, talking about how the folks who make it onto the actual show get wardrobes, setup lines and other helpful or harmful input to make their appearances more interesting.

Death by Camera has done a MySpace trace on the best and the worst of the first episodes. Here's the link to folks from episode 1, episode 2, episode 3. He either lost interest at that point, or starting posting this crap where I can't see it. TV Squad had a good summary of the freaks and geeks from the Los Angeles auditions. BuddyTV had a nice summaries of episode 1, episode 2, episode 3,  episode 4,  episode 5, episode 6 and  episode 7, the last city tryout show. The summary of episode 8 -- more of the best and worst auditions -- was pretty good too, somewhat less so with episode 9, from Hollywood, where the field got cut to 40.

Their summary of last night's episode 10 was as dull as the show itself, though, which is why I'm done with season six. Wake me up for the next round of train wrecks.

Ryan Seacrest, I Apologize For Thinking You Suck

After two nights and four hours of watching Ryan Seacrest hosting American Idol, I have changed my view of him one hundred percent. Dude is the freaking master of keeping a straight face and letting clowns make fools of themselves. I could never in a million years develop the talent of taking seriously a contestant like Kenneth Briggs.

Simon was almost right when he said to Briggs: "You look like the creatures that live in the jungle with those massive eyes." He then got it wrong by guessing that they are "bush babies." Wrongo, Simon. You're thinking of these guys: the Quiznos Spongemonkeys.

Kenneth wasn't the biggest freak at singing, but he was the oddest looking contestant ever, and it was embarrassing to watch him take himself seriously. The odd looking female (the thin-faced fat-bodied chick, with red leg stockings and arm stockings, who was missing her front middle tooth) had a much better attitude, and when she failed to nail the audition, it was clear that she knew she'd missed it.

Seacrest, however, treated them all with respect, and acted as if he was as surprised and disappointed as each pathetic singer, from "the Hotness" to the lisping red "karoky" singing lumberjack, to the fat kid, to the nerd with each of his eyes pointing in a different direction, to the Taylor Hicks wannabe, to the braless half-dweeb/half-Courtney Love with the boobs flopping around the bottom of her blouse, Seacrest handled them brilliantly. Seacrest, you rock.

More Geico

I found it the first Geico caveman commercial. Check it out. Doesn't the caveman on the right look just like Val Kilmer at the very end. I'm convinced it's him. As far as I know, it's not on his IMDB list of credits, though.

I've read somewhere that the Geico cavemen are played by a guy named Ben Weber and a guy named Jeffrey Daniel Phillips. I think Phillips is the Val Kilmer looking dude, and Weber is the guy in the airport ad, but I'm not sure. Of course, there was also be a third caveman (John Lehr?). Remember this one?

And this one:

The latest one, by the way, not so funny, in my opinion:

And the one I haven't seen on TV yet is funny, but I don't like the caveman as much:

Eureka!

Do you have a favorite commercial? I do. Hands down. It is this one for Geico. For some reason, it just cracks me up, and it does not get old. Every time I saw it, I wondered what what song was playing, and whose song it was. Well, I found it. Here is the commercial:

Here are the lyrics to the complete song:

It's only been a week
the rush of being home and rapid fading
Failing to recall
when I was missing all that time in England

Has sent me aimlessly
on foot or by the help of transportation
to knock on windows where
a friend no longer live, I had forgotten

and everywhere I go
there's always something to remind me
of another place and time
of a love that travelled far and found me

We stayed outside till two
waiting for the light to come back
we didn't talk I knew
until you asked what I was thinking
until you asked what I was thinking

brave men tell the truth
the wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles
a woman holds her tongue
knowing silence will speak for her

and everywhere I go
there's always something to remind me
of another place and time
of a love that travelled far and found me

And here is the music video for the actual song: Royksöpp, performing "Remind Me"

That song is great. It makes the commercial much better. For some reason, the version of the GEICO ad that has no music is just not as amusing.

YouTube rocks! This, by the way, is the crappiest commercial on TV. Even if they had put Yoko One and Ashlee Simpson in it, it couldn't be worse.

Top Ten TV Tidbits

I just got a peek at the TiVo list of top ten recorded TV moments of 2006. I watched exactly one of the ten. I'm gettin' old, Wilbur....

Lex TV 95

Here are a dozen more video clips:

Bill MacDonald: "44 was a ripe old age for a crocodile hunter."

An armed robbery at Disneyland, caught on tape.

Borat speaks out in DC.

The history of the middle east in 90 seconds.

Disneyland's new version of the Pirates of the Caribbean.

[Commercial break No. 1] Sneak preview of Disney's next ride movie: Teacups!

Take off your tinfoil hat for a moment and watch this show about the Skull & Bones Society.

When you ask your wingman WWJD and he says "I Don't Know." Show him this clip.

Girl rides bike down hill toward a bunch of poles. What could go wrong?

The Muppets perform "F*ck the Police" (ads not safe for work!)

From the Daily Show: Islam v. Christianity.

[Commercial break no. 2] Levitra works for men with ED. Just ask Osama bin Laden.

Helter Skelter on a Tropical Island

Anyone who has read this virtual fishwrap for more than a year knows that I hate most reality TV, but that I love, love, love Survivor. Even the couple of crappy ones. I'd love to go on the show, but I never will, even if they would pick me. I simply can't imagine spending that long away from my family. Two days is the most I've ever managed. Still, I love to live vicariously through these people, and especially the lawyers. There are no words to describe how geeked I am to watch this new one.

Anyhow, words cannot describe how amused I am over the controversy surrounding Survivor 13 - Cook Islands. Nothing gets people more worked up over than race. Survivor divides teams into young and old -- nobody cares. They divide into male and female -- nobody cares. Players try to rally groups around gender ("come on, let's make it the 3 women against the 2 men, and we're golden to the final tribal council!"), nobody cares. Divide 20 people into four groups of different ethnicities (they aren't even different "races," since Asians and Latinos are actually caucasian) and people go bat shit crazy. The New York City Council even decides that they should take time off from their daily worries about high crime, heavy traffic, high taxes, terrorist threats and other pressing business, and start lobbying CBS to roundfile the whole season and start over.

I think it is great. If it turns into Crash on an island, even better. I'm just hoping that every action on the show is either a blatant example of stereotyping or the complete opposite. For example, I'd love to have the first immunity challenge be an engineering problem, and have the Asians finish last and have to vote someone off. If they win, however, it would be just as good for conversation. Then, in the next challenge, a running race, let the Blacks come in dead last. But if the Blacks smoke everybody, that's awesome, too. The only thing better than having the Blacks lose a swimming competition would be to have them win it with their strong swimming skills. That would be good TV.

My hope is this: if you make a friendly wager with a friend on the outcome of a particular challenge, based upon a racial stereotype, you either win, or lose poignantly. Any group coming in second or third in a competition involving any sterotypical strength or weakness will cause me to throw the remote at my TV screen.

In most previous shows, I've ended up rooting for a white guy, but only because I tend to like the physically strong players, who are usually (Terry, Aras, Tom, Rupert, Sarge, Lex, Colby) guys, and usually 80% of the players are white, so the numbers just tend to have me rooting for a white guy. Those same numbers, of course, also have a white guy as my least favorite player, and my three least favorite Survivor winners (Chris, Brian, Richard) were also white guys. This show only has 2 or 3 "white" guys (I honestly would peg some of the other guys as "white" if I saw them on the street), but I like one of them already. JP is a Cal. State guy. Go Cal. State! This one should be interesting.

Shout Out To Aras

I was rooting for Terry on Survivor on Sunday, but once Danielle hosed him, I rooted for Aras. I might have been rooting for Aras all along if I had recognized him as the former UC Irvine point guard. Good going Aras, you are now the most successful athlete in the history of Anteater athletics, surpassing the late Kevin Magee, Jerry Green, Wayne Englestad and some swimmers and sailors.

Whatever Happened To Jimmy?

Remember Jack Wild, the kid who played Jimmy on "H.R. Pufnstuf," that crazy kid's show about magic flutes, talking trees and witchiepoo? Whatever happened to him? This just in: He's dead. And good grief, at just 53, he looked like a frumpy 65-year-old woman. This story makes me feel very sad, because when he was young and looked like this, people used to say that I looked just like him.

Lex TV 44

Depeche Mode is in town, so I won't be watching the tele tonight. If you aren't watching the tele because you are parked in front of the Internets, check out these stops, with video:

Wussyman gets his car towed.

The many faces one face of Paris Hilton.

Who wants to be a milonairre milliunair millionnnaire? Never mind, not this guy.

Matt Leinart talks about coming back for another year of college football.

What is your kid learning from television?

Now, even straight guys can eat hot dogs without feeling funny.

A lion hunt that almost went horribly wrong.

The family history of Jack Schitt.

You sunnamah bitch.

The music video for Without Me, Mesopotamia style.

So this dude is evading the cops on his motorcycle and a bus gets in the way.

I didn't see it coming. The world's most annoying job.

Lex TV 43

NFL football looks good tonight for a change. But some of the stuff on the Internets this week was interesting. Check it out.

Triumph the Comic Insult Dog hits Quebec.

Previews for the Exorcism of Emily Rose. Watch it alone, late at night. It's better that way.

Volcano's pyroclastic flow vs. Japanese village. Who you got?

Crazy woman, 48, will sell you her house if you will marry her.

Trashlee Simpson at McDonald's (without you having to watch the whole TV show)

[Commercial break] Suppose a lady's umbrella cover blew away. Could your condom serve as a replacement?

Ali G becomes a cop.

On Chinese People. (Slightly NSFW banner ads.)

Amateur reality TV: Scare Me.

When you are too old to collect candy on Halloween, make a doll kid.

CNNN exposes the ignorance of the man on the street. Do you support the ape suing to have humans declared to be products of apes.

[Parting commercial] If you can't swing a golf club, you can use this swingless golf club to play!

Lex TV 42

MNF is actually pretty good, even though New England isn't what they were last year. This year's best team against last year's best team is pretty compelling. Still, some of the stuff on the Internets this week was interesting, too. Check it out.

From SNL: Jeffries.

Odd Todd tries to break into Hollywood.

Supposedly, these were random consonants and vowels for these priests to use on this gameshow. Bullshit.

When we played the game, it was rock, scissors, paper. These guys kick each other in the nuts.

So you find out your daughter is posting suggestive photos of herself on the internets....

[Commercial break] Investors, remember, you really need a good partner.

Cool foosball trick.

I would rather let the dad just shoot me. Reasonable minds may differ.

This dude drinks milk and shoots it out his nose eyes.

When you race motorcycles, you really should wait until the finish line before you pop a wheelie.

Which Backstreet Boy is gay? I vote for, like, all of them.

[Parting commercial] This commercial for a pub is targeted at guys who need to drown their sorrows. (Very NSFW banner ads. Very.)

[Update: I replaced two already dead links]

Lex TV 41

MNF will suck. Some of the stuff on the Internets was a lot more interesting. I pulled these links from just two of my favorite sources:

Here we are, reporting from a canoe in a flooded street. Sort of.

Ali G interviews a feminist.

The OCD mailman works on one of the three boxes on his route.

I used to fear this when snow-skiing.

Would you buy this man some penis and cracker jacks?

Fred and Barney smoke down a couple.

The origins of Napoleon Dynamite.

Gorilla Mask has a great compilation of ownage videos.

What, do you want to live forever?

This crazy ass bitch on Trading Spouses is a soldier of God.

This crazy ass fat woman thinks she is the target of illegal paparazzi. And that all people with video camera have "photographer cards."

Intelligent design v. survival of the fittest to drink. Who you got?

Lex TV 40

MNF was okay, if only because Michael Vick was playing. Still, some of the stuff on the Internets was a lot more interesting. I pulled these links from just two of my favorite sources:

Oh, my Goad! I wand a Curry and Rice Girl.

Ali G interviews Andy Rooney.

Watch all the 2005 Atlantic tropical storms in a rapid satellite video.

Jingleheimer Joe is a prude, boys and girls.

Chappelle in slow motion.

Got a good poker face?

David Spade picks his favorite Dr. Phil moment.

Ever see a putty-tat with more than one tongue?

Shave and a vein cut, two bits.

The search for America's next hot model.

O'Reilly v. Stewart, who you got (NSFW banner ads)

Sometimes, the secret is knowing when to ask.

Lex TV 39

Pittsburgh at San Diego is a pretty good MNF game. My brother-in-law will be going. I would too, except I have an important girl's birthday to celebrate. If you aren't glued to your TV, watch this stuff instead and be entertained:

Here's the shot of Brad Butler's late chop block of Boston College's Matthias Kiwanuka.

Leno interviews the runaway bride. Swallow your milk before watching.

Do a one-word google search and see the video that comes back.

If you must break planks over each other's heads, don't let the drunkest dude swing the board.

How to masochistically one-up your ex.

Can racism sell toothpaste? Let's find out.

See what an Iraqi sandstorm looks like.

Reno 911 cop to wannabeblack: You ain't black, dog.

Yo, ho, yo, ho, a pirate's life for me.

Here is yet another reason I went into law rather than medicine.

Actual footage of a great white shark munching on a leg sandwich. (NSFW banner ads)

Can your pickup slide through this and emerge without a scratch?

Lex TV 38

Monday night sports sucks again. I'm sure that Green Bay v. Carolina looked good when the schedule was drawn up months ago, but now it's 0-3 Green Bay against a 1-2 Carolina team whose only win is against those pathetic shell of their former selves New England. Watch this stuff instead and be entertained:

Here's the shot of that Jet Blue emergency landing with the landing gear facing the wrong way.

Say, here's a bright idea: let's dress up like a zebra and run past the lions.

Laura Thin Boyle on Conan.

Vote not for Pedro. High school girl runs for student body by exposing her entire student body.

It's hard to pick a single SNL skit as the funniest of all time, but this Eddie Murphy skit was my absolute favorite ever.

And now a word from our potential sponsor: If it's free, it must be great, right?

Oh, please. Please make William Hung stop singing.

The Amazing Racist pumps a little gas.

JHC. Howard Stern filmed a full Monty "small penis contest."

A good argument for the proposed law banning webcams. Let's go to the prom.

Usually, you just see their work. Now watch them do it. The sign f*ckers.

And now this parting message from our potential sponsors: Drink Bacardi Rum and you can be a disgusting insect.

Lex TV 37

Monday night sports was awesome. I saw the Angels nearly wrap up the AL West. I saw LSU join the ranks of the defeated preseason top ten. And I saw the Chiefs suck against the Broncos. So I almost missed these gems:

Stossell brags about how he makes a fortune building shanty houses to be washed away by hurricanes.

Live shopping show calls are prone to the occasional crank callers.

Nekked lady scores a goal in a digitally enhanced soccer match.

Napoleon Dynamite says Yeah, Yeah. I said, nah, nah.

Dog humps dog humping dog.

And now a word from our potential sponsor: So, do you guys have your pet beavers with you?

So this kid eats it, and these other two kids just watch, sans reaction.

Itchy & Scratchy's Tears of a Clone.

Ever see a guy pop a wheelie and then do the splits?

Synchronicity is everywhere, even the surgery unit. (NSFW banner ads)

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs breakdancing? I don't know, but here he is.

PSA: Your newborn can tell you if it's time to lose weight. What does yours tell you?

Lex TV 36

TV lost all credibility last night. The Emmy Awards were handed out, and, from what I've read, these awards are intended to honor actors for their excellence in acting. But that can't possibly be true, because the worst actor in the world older than Keanu Reeves won an award for best supporting actor. I ... don't under....stand. And the outfits I saw, holy frijoles! The worst one is Tess Smith's, shown on the left. I don't know who Tess Smith is, but she must not be able to act, because if she was a good actress, her agent wouldn't make her dress like such a whore

Now, at my house, TV isn't only about the airwaves. We have cable, including the premium channels. So I get to watch quasi-recent films like Napoleon Dynamite. I once read that movies watchers could be divided into two groups: those who hate Napoleon Dynamite, and those who get it. Count me among those who definitely don't get it. I feel like I've been robbed of 90 minutes of my life. And I'm not alone.

Instead of TV, I'm watching the Internet this week. Here's some of what I'm watching:

A Britney Spears medley celebrating her replication.

A show from the 1950s about Billy, whose Dad packs fudge for a living.*** (Or download here)

Taco Man calls out Hilary Clinton her opinions on Grand Theft Auto.

Bugs decide to invade the subway. Reactions vary.

If my kids ever uttered the phrase "Get me my chocolate milk, bitch!" it would be on their tombstone within a week.***

And now a word from our potential sponsor: Would you buy what this man is selling?
(Voters in my state did.)

I don't come close to understanding why the Internets love Gem Sweater chick or her second effort, Beat Dazzler.

The DNA tests are back, and it's not your baby. YES! Now watch me dance, baby!***

Live news shot gets interrupted by a guy running by with his nekked ass in flames.

Once you pee down the slide, you would be wise to avoid it for a few minutes. This dude be not wise.

Here I stand, reporting on the burning of the confiscated cocaine and marijuana. Soon, I shall sound like Ozzy, and will be hungry enough to eat a truckload of nacho cheese Doritos.***

Finally, when watching commercials, avoid a rush to judgment.

*** Watch in private, because of ESPL (evil sex porn links)

Lex TV 35

Tonight, real Monday Night Football is back, so TV isn't a complete waste. But MNF isn't funny. This stuff is:

At last, Salad Fingers 6 has been released.

It's like Supersize Me, but with whiskey instead of McDonald's food.

KITT must be rolling over in his landfill. Why do Europeans dig David Hasselhoff?

George Bush appears on the Christopher Walken show.

Odd Todd celebrates his first year of doing nothing.

And now a word from our potential sponsor: Was Cameron Diaz right? Do your nuts sag? Buy a nut bra.

Those MIT guys are both smart and stupid at the same time.

Swimming in the fountain = a year's ban from the mall.

If you curse this much, you should be behind the camera, not in front of it.

Short animation: "Coffee Break."

This talent would have won the Gong Show for sure.

In the land of nekked people, the streaking clothed man is the crazy one.

Lex TV 34

Tonight, Monday Night Football features Miami @ Florida State. Professional football on a Monday night gets little better, if at all, than that. But if you like your pro football to feature NFLers, maybe you're looking for something else tonight. Try some of these:

The further adventures of the Amazing Racist.

Some clothes just aren't made for mechanical bullriding.

Do you have a pickle? Do you have a pickle?

Foamy the Squirrel offers some poignant hurricane coverage.

A tiny snippet of Katrina footage, just in case you've been on Mars for the past 2 weeks and didn't get the newspaper.

And now a word from our potential sponsor: is it a gift from the gods, or a gift from the dogs?

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Cops loot with the looters.

This nasty looking beast wants to lick your eyeballs. It's for your own good.

Kanye West's tirade.

You call them balls. He calls them brakes.

Without this video, the insurance company might have denied the claim.

And our parting commercial: when your friends don't have your backsides, and start acting like backsides, drink our beer.

Lex TV 33

Monday Night Football has started, but right now, it's crappy preseason Rams at crappy preseason Lions. I'm watching the Internets instead. To keep an eye on New Orleans, you can watch the NOLA Parade Cam, which was still up as of 11:00 p.m. on Sunday, and you can watch live news coverage on WDSU's hurricane center.

Watch a cop try to drive along the train tracks like a stupid teenager.

The Canadamerican drug tunnel.

I don't know what they call this, but it looks really fun.

So you think you want to take your kids on a safari?

Martha Stewart hosts the Cookie Monster.

And now a word from our potential sponsor: The iArm. It's actually a resume, and a damn good one.

Remember when Jim Carey was buffed, beautiful & bitchin'?

Upon further reflection, ma'am, hang on a little longer.

The lust for sweets is the root of all evil.

Music video ain't what it used to be.

The odds of leaving the party with a fag in drag transgendered person is what?!?!

And our parting commercial: Roofinex. This commercial is wrong, wrong, wrong, even though it's just a spoof.

Lex TV 32

Monday Night Football has started, but right now, it's crappy preseason junk. I'm watching the Internets instead.

To begin, Paris Hilton was the runner up in the South Park Whore Off.

Dog v. taser. My money is on the taser.

Burnt Face Man. Not as funny interesting as Salad Fingers.

I wish I was as good at anything as this dude is at playing quarters.

Why would someone want to throw burning liquor down his throat? And why does the dude watching get the worst of it?

And now a word from our potential sponsor: Gentlemen, it's all about the keychain.

Weatherman Mark is a frustrated and very unfunny comedian.

Whatever. Funny in spite of the crappy equipment.

"We've had some sex, er, uh, setbacks."

Dude performs a trick. I'm not impressed. I can do that old trick. And it's a waste of perfectly good beer, too.

You remember the punchline, right? "Sometimes, Señor, the bull wins...."

Not even for some Bud Light? Clop, clop, clop, clop, jump.

Lex TV 31

Monday Night Football has started, but right now, it's crappy preseason junk. Oops, I guess crappy preseason football was last Monday only, or the Monday before that. I can't remember. It was crappy preseason games. I'm still watching the Internets instead. Check this:

If you haven't seen Bob Novak walking out on James Carville, here it is, for the moment, at least.

Cookie monster is an even bigger jerk when you get him away from Sesame Street.

A poor display of ancient weapons.

Dude drives by the bookstore and yells spoilers at the Harry Potter fans.

Morning news isn't for real journalists. It's for these idiots, who plague LA morning viewers like me.

Dude, you're a dad. Watch Spike TV, not your daughter's hot friend.

From the Man Show, the fat kid hawking beer at a beer stand.

Music video humor: even H-I-T-L-E-R is an open topic. (Frankly, it's stupid).

If you are this stupid, I'm glad your pregnancy test came back negative.

They pay Celine Dion HOW MUCH a year for this?

This footage scared the crap out of me 20 years ago.

If you confuse Girlfriend 2.0 with your actual girlfriend, you might be a workoholic. Or a blogoholic.

Lex TV 30

Having just received two USC football DVDs I bought on eBay, I'm watching, like, no TV for the next few days. Plus, I haven't yet cracked my Sopranos DVD from last season. Am I missing anything on TV? I wouldn't exactly say I'll be missing it, Bob.

If you don't miss it either, maybe you'll like watching this crap (some with very NSFW banner ads) instead, along with with a pair of commercial interruptions public service announcements:

Let's start with a little Family Guy puke fest.

And remember, the Numa Numa dance isn't just for the white boys anymore.

NBA action, it's faaaabulous.

When I was a kid, we did this, too, but we lived on a freaking cul-da-sac.

And, dude, you need to figure out the new thing, before they have to wire your jaw shut.

This is an interesting PSA, but the target audience probably watches it and laughs at the bitch getting slapped around.

I hate most country songs, but today's the day....

Lecturing people in the subway is strangely compelling.

Next time, let the gentle kid hold the doves for release.

The answer to the question: "They shoot lawyers, don't they?"

And the extreme sports dude should have frozen some sperm before trying this move.

Which reminds me, check your nuts for lumps, dude.

Lex TV 29

With my 2,500 cable channels, I'm becoming the entertainment equivalent of a thirsty man adrift on the sea: TV, TV everywhere, and not a show to watch.

The Surreal Life 5 episode this week looked so bad, I almost watched it, but I forgot what day, time and channel it was on. Here was the preview:

The cast heads off to a Battered Women's Shelter to build a new backyard. Janice makes it clear that the only heavy lifting Supermodels do is with their lip-gloss applicator. Chaos overcomes the Cast as bossy Foreman Omarosa doesn't seem to have a clue. Then, Jose decides it would be easier to just write a check and hire someone else to complete the project. When Carey offers to take over foreman duties for Omarosa to keep things rolling, Omarosa gets defensive and says he's getting bossy. Carey says he just wants to get the job done. Omarosa finally relents and reluctantly allows Carey to lead. Janice, meanwhile, re-applies her make-up. will they ever finish by 5:00 p.m.?

From the 10 minutes I've given this series, it was clear that watching Omarosa refer to herself in the third person could easily become the best drinking game since "Hi, Bob!" And this battered woman home setup is priceless. It's a shame that Omarosa isn't in the battered woman's shelter as a client. And who decided to put Jose Canseco in a battered woman's shelter? Will he run into any women he has actually beaten? And can Janice Dickinson go an entire episode without reminding us that she is was a supermodel? (Although I must say the reminder is useful, because we'd never have guessed it if she didn't constantly remind the audience.)

Here are some more video links to compete with a boring weak week of television:

Interesting conspiracy theorist video footage of 9-11. Count me as curious, but unconvinced.

The dry ice bomb won't go off at first. It could end badly....

Extreme surfing videos never, ever, get old; neither do surfer fight videos.

Cops bust a guy in a clown suit. Clowns suck.

This video is especially funny to me, because this dude really reminds me of one of my best friends. I can picture him doing this, too.

Brought to you by Toyota: How to win your man's attention - roll his ride off a cliff. (It won't be good attention, but it'll be attention.)

Sean Connery on Jeopardy was some of the best SNL ever. If you have a link for the "FAMOUS TITLES" one, let me know.

For some reason, this footage from Indonesia shocks me more than footage of someone doing a driveby in L.A. and killing three people.

This guy is the Jimi Hendrix of ukuleles.

I enjoy Odd Todd, and strangely envy him on particularly busy days. Here's his "Career Day."

Tired of straight America? Check out Chappelle's Gay America.

Nove okusi. If you don't know what that means, either, then just watch the commercial.

Lex TV 28

Some more video links for a boring Monday of weak television:

Kenny Rogers goes Don Quixote on the cameramen's cameras.

Chris Tucker's arrest video.

Watch some freak get way too excited on the Price is Right.

Twenty minutes of George Carlin comedy.

A very mean-spirited illegal alien hater.

The DVD Extra Edition of Jared's Subway commercials.

A blender plays the Pulp Fiction theme on guitar (banner links NSFW);

The category, Lord Vader, is "phrase."

Frankly, I prefer hockey fights to last longer than this.

DisneySea's (or is it Toyko Disney?) Sinbad's Seven Voyages in two clips: part 1 and part 2.

If you're already sick of summer, here's a taste of winter for ya. Car-powered snow sledding.

Finally, believe it or not, at the end, you'll see that this is an airline commercial.

Lex TV 27

Here are ten more video clips that amused or intrigued me, with a couple of commercial interruptions:

You think the VCR at Best Buy is unloaded, but you think wrong.

This week's video of some dude burning himself on purpose.

Professors Wilson and Vaughn teach a course on picking up girls.

Here's the whole Tom-Cruise-getting-squirted scene.

See Big Shot Bob's greatest trey bombs.

The secret Destroy All Humans Paris Hilton cam.

So this lady is walking by what is a perfectly good brick chimney one minute...

The March of the Penguins. Seriously.

The Emperor Tom Cruise destroys Oprah.

This week's idiot who takes a bike where bikes should not go.

Three previously unpublished videos of 9-11.

Nobody says life is fair. But your cellular phone rates should be.

Lex TV 26

Here are ten more video clips that amused or intrigued me, along with a pair of commercials.

The closest your eyes may ever get to a tornado.

Some dude made his own music video of Working for the Weekend.

This chick gets tased by the Poe Lease (if the link doesn't work, cut and paste this: http://www.ogrish.com/archives/2005/june/ogrish-dot-com-tased_by_cop.wmv) and moans like the grape stomping chick. Later, the cop's superiors explain why it was all good.

More Michael Jackson video, cartoon style.

Wanna see a penile implant getting put in?

See if you can guess what product or service this ad is selling.

Young car thieves worry about whether they're in a bait car. They should.

Some lucky wife has a husband with a sense of humor.

Bungee jumping into the dirt.

Some people can slide, and others just become funny video subjects.

If you ever have the chance to bet on a mouse and spider match, bet on the spider.

Is Tuna of the Dirt chicken or tuna?

Lex TV 25

Here are ten more video clips that amused or intrigued me, along with a pair of commercials.

Wanna see a fat guy play DDR and then fall on his ass?

A pathetic attempt to be the grown-up version of the Star Wars Kid.

This must be the cycling equivalent of spiking the football on the 2 yard line.

The secret Michael Jackson tapes. (audio only)

MIT students jumping out of a fourth story window into a pile of snow. (banners NSFW)

This ad wouldn't work today: Get AYDS, and lose weight.

This made me laugh more than anything I've seen in weeks. Hoowah!!!

Is you can't get this dancing fool to stream, right click and download it.

I love these home videos of Disney rides. Here's the Indiana Jones one.

This guy has the freakiest eyeball control I've ever seen.

This is the only halftime show ever that sucked worse than Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl.

If you can stare Death in the face and laugh, the Lottery must just keep paying you forever.

P.S. Check out some previously posted oldie-but-goodies:

Coinbird

Moonsong

And the moron who got stripped nekked by a bull at a rodeo.

Lex TV 24

Happy Memorial Day. Or is it Labor Day? I can never keep those straight. Anyway, I'm at the beach, but you must be looking at the computer right now, so if you can't get to the beach, but you want to be entertained, you could consider one of these video options:

1. Store clerk embraces the dark side. If this robbery-gone-bad video is real, it's pretty disturbing.
2. This, also, could be fake. But if not, the dude deserved it.
3. This is maybe the gayest way to have fun without touching another dude.
4. These guys think monkey sex on a car is the funniest thing ever.
5. If you were at Disney MDM or Disney California Adventure right now, you could fall down the Tower of Terror.

Beer. It's not for everyone. (Banner ads NSFW)

6. There are times when you should just let your glasses stay unclean.
7. Don't watch this if you are afraid of flying.
8. Every class has one student who is the worst. For example, the gun class this guy attended.
9. Here's a news story about a shocking crash that gave a guy only minor injuries.
10. Finally, and quickly, this is the worst goaltending I've ever seen.

I don't know if this Anheiser-Busch ad is real, but if so, it would piss off Vietnam vets and Muslim teetotallers.

Lex TV 23

So I was watching the credits at the end of Revenge of the Sith, and I saw an actor being credited for portraying Jar Jar Binks. Maybe I blinked and missed it, but I saw no speaking part for that annoying character, and the only reference I saw of him was a computer generated image of him marching along at a funeral procession. Do actors get credit for silent computer generated images? If so, I want that gig.

Anyhow, since you've all abandoned watching TV in favor of watching Star Wars movies, perhaps when you're done, you'll be entertained by some of these clips:

1. What does a serial killer look like in everyday life? Check out the very normal news footage archive of BTK.
2. Don't play this de-stresser with the volume up at work. But talk your hated rival into trying it.
3. How not to look cool taking off on your hog.
4. Proof that the moon landing was faked, allegedly.
5. Unlike Natalie Portman, bottle rocket fights can be hard on the eyes.

I like those Star Wars video game ads. This is my favorite.

6. This is a pretty neat bicycle trick.
7. This is the coolest tennis court in the world, but if the ball goes out of bounds, you need to just let it go.
8. A collection of cool outdoorsy video clips.
9. "Hello? F*ck!" A funny clip for, like, ten seconds. Then it continues for another minute and a half.
10. Disney MGM's Rock 'n' Roller Coaster. The video is pretty good, considering the lighting. I'll bet the video looks even better if you are on meth.

Finally, this is a great yellow pages TV ad, but I'm still using online directories from now on.

Lex TV 22

I didn't do a Monday video links post, because nearly everyone in the world, except me, was watching Everybody Loves Raymond. I've never been able to stomach that show for 30 straight minutes. I'm not sure why, I just didn't like it. I don't like Raymond, I don't like his idiot brother, and I've never liked even a single character played by the bald guy who portrays Raymond's father. I thought I was alone, but Bainbridge is with me on this one (although I'm not sure he hates the bald guy like I do).

Anyhow, so it's Tuesday, and you are all done with Raymond. So here's some funny stuff to keep you laughing until 2009, when the networks plan to roll out their next funny sitcom:

1. First, his 'chute ripped away and disappeared, then it got worse.
2. Peanuts, the way Charles Schulz's evil twin would have done it
3. This banana thing looks like it was dreamt up by a schizophrenic on LSD.
4. Psst. Hey, PETA people, wanna try some of my KFC? It's good.
5. Apparently, Fred Durst's homemade movies all suck. This one shows Fred when he wanted to be Vanilla Ice more than anything in the world.

With Lord of the Rings done, and Star Wars about to be done, what's next? The Chronicles of Narnia, of course.

6. This is the most laughing I've ever seen without there being anything funny.
7. The Daily Show offers Laura Bush's second standup routine.
8. I'm going to use this video to motivate myself to lose weight.
9. Watch this guy break all 10 commandments before breakfast.
10. The Tonight Show pits Morse code against text messaging.

Parting words from our sponsors: This is a Ford commercial, featuring a man who, unlike all other men, does not look over his shoulder while peeing alongside the road.

Not That I Care....

His parents named him Priestley, but don't you think Jason and his new wife look a bit more devilish than priestly?

I know it's superficial, and few things are less worthwhile than commenting on a former cast member of Beverly Hills 90210, but this couple could be cast in a film as Satan and his witchy bride and they would never have to sit in a makeup chair.

My Guilty Pleasure

I love Survivor. Last season was weak and almost unwatchable. This season was a lot of fun to watch. Tom Westman was the best player who ever played the game. And it couldn't have been better than to watch a finale in NYC in which a NYFD man wins the game in a landslide.

I'm not sure what was eating Coby. Ian was the busted obfuscation master. Tom played above board. His rejection of Jenn to her face was as honorable as anything I've seen, and his confrontation of Ian was also as straight up as it gets. If Tom did anything unscrupulous or dishonest, they didn't show it on screen. Coby is an idiot. But it's nice that he has come to grips with his life as a gay man, and that he adopted him cousin's unwanted child and named her after the Vegas stripper showgirl he met during Survivor Palau.

I also thought Ian's final move was pretty slick. I think he believed, probably correctly, that his best result was to come in second, either to Katie or Tom. The money between second and third isn't significant enough to leave the game feeling like an ass, and Ian left the game looking as cool as can be.

I didn't enjoy the post-game show as much, however, primarily because they let that screwball singing wench sing another crappy song. But, I'm looking forward to the next season.

Rob & Amber Get Married, on the other hand, I cannot watch and will not watch. That just goes too far. We like the game, but that doesn't mean we like watching the players in their private lives. I love the NBA, but that doesn't mean I'm going to put off doing something useful just so I can turn on the tellie and gawk at Kobe Bryant's next wedding. I mean, c'mon. What's next?

Please don't say "Rob & Amber's Wedding Night."

Lex TV 21

Monday TV still sucks. I'm just gonna watch this stuff and go to bed:

1. I have no clue what the article says, but the surf footage is awesome.
2. To celebrate Disneyland's 50th birthday, Kelsey Grammer falls off the wagon stage and curses.
3. An 8 Mile style rap off wherein the black dude is owned by the Chinese dude.
4. The late Tommy Seebach was once known as the "King of Danish Pop." This is proof that Danish pop is a pathetic kingdom. Whatever you do, watch long enough to see the bikini natives.
5. There are a slew of PES videos to choose from. I liked the little Dodgers fan one.

And now a word from our sponsor:
Um, stewardess? Please tell me our pilot isn't Jonesing for his Paxil right now.

6. Jimmy Eat World took that awful "Apache" video, cut it up and made it suck less.
7. Men in Coats, the funniest 2 man act since Penn & Teller.
8. If you prefer sporting events where the participants don't kill the spectators, you are looking at the wrong video.
9. Disneyland is still working on some of the 50th anniversary renovations. Check out this video of the Space Mountain roller coaster with the lights on.
10. This is old, but funny. I still use the phrase "All right, Janice," as part of my normal everyday conversations.

Our parting shot would be a great commercial for anyone other than Jeep.

Wheel of Embarrassment

I'm watching Wheel of Fortune, and the first puzzle is

LE_ _ ING  _Y
_ XA _ PL _

And the mother/daughter team on the right buzz in and blurt out "LEARNING BY EXAMPLE", or maybe more accurately, "LERNING BY EXAMPLE." I don't know. It was wrong. But as soon as they utter their answer, they start jumping up and down and squealing like champs. I wonder if they went to college at Nebraska, where the N stands for NOWLEDGE.

A moment later, another team correctly guesses "LEADING BY EXAMPLE" and remains calm until Pat Sajak tells them they're right.

The first idiots go home having solved no puzzles, but they get a $1,000 consolation prize for entertaining us.

[fixed]

Lex TV 20

This is a pretty good collection. Worthy, maybe, of a half hour on a Thursday night.

1. I feel so immature, but I can't help laughing at the tourette's weatherman.
2. Michael Jackson says he never copped a feel.
3. Gary's 15 minutes of fame keep getting longer and longer.
4. Fat kid in the river, getting plunked by paint balls.
5. Smile! You've just been Kicked in the Nuts.®

Mento's -- The Freshmaker.

6. This guy is a great candidate for the newly available job of javelin catcher.
7. You won't see this on the American version of the show.
8. PSA: Kids, don't play with matches and rubbing alcohol while wearing a banana suit.
9. The farting preacher never gets old.
10. Uh oh! You've been Kicked in the Nuts Again!®

I don't care if it's all computer trickery, this makes me want to go out and buy Pepsi.

Lex TV 19

Here are ten more video links that beat what's on TV tonight:

1. JibJab's new video: Matzah.
2. The video of the anglers who caught the mako shark eating the tarpon. (lot's o' F-bombs)
3. Tiger v. Croc. (Put your money on the tiger.)
4. The Legend of Sasquatch Mountain. At least as good as the Krofft Supershow, especially if you watch it drunk.
5. Take a ride on Disney California Adventure's California Screamin'.

The search for life. If it's out there, we'll find it.

6. Camera dude digs it when a car cooler than his blows up.
7. PSA: Don't trust guys who say you can do it twice as fast.
8. Not everything is what it appears, fowcucker.
9. PSA: Speeding kills.
10. Darwinism, almost working.

Oh, yes! The product I've been waiting for.

Lex TV 18

Thursday is actually a pretty good night for TV. So watch this stuff tomorrow or something.

1. Since Disney no longer lets you walk through Sleeping Beauty's Castle, you should do it at home, instead.
2. PSA: When watching a soccer match from the roof, no matter how exciting the play, do not jump up and down.
3. You might think this is a disgusting thing to do, but seriously, if I was up there, I'd shit, too.
4. I'm not much of a dart fan, but this was quite a performance.
5. This is seriously 'mo. UM must be so proud.

Mom, Dad, we're having ... an Audi.

6. PSA: When making a bonfire of bone dry wood, you don't need a tankful of gasoline. (banner ads may be NSFW).
7. A kid and his hooker. Or his mom. Not sure.
8. Napoleon Dynamite's Numa Numa dance.
9. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.
10. If I ever stop breathing, I want someone other than this chick to give me UPS.

And finally, my mom didn't want me watching MTV either, but this is ridiculous.

Lex TV 17

Watch some more Lex TV.

1. How not to rob a store, semester one.
2. The final scene from SE7EN, using stuffed animals.
3. A halfway decent graveyard prank.
4. Mundane Disney footage: walking down Main Street, U.S.A.
5. Is it any wonder that football players die from time to time, when you have them trading hits like this.

And now a word from our sponsor: if you have a horrible genital disease, use a cell phone, or at least turn your answering machine speaker down.

6. This dude needs fewer spotters and more grey matter.
7. Avril Lavigne is a freak, no?
8. Do you like Tarping? I don't know. I've never read his works.
9. I know what you're expecting, but, seriously, you know men can't have babies.
10. No list of internet video links would be complete without some skater or similar idiot getting owned by, for example, launching himself, nuts first, onto a metal bar.

This is false advertising. I once was Mac, but now I'm PC. Maybe I'm just the exception.